Tuesday, January 31, 2012

severely pretending

bewildered by a strange state of mind
lost int ranslation lost then I find
my thoughts broken into a thousand spaces
and my wants stretched in a million places
simply possibly it cannot be
I will lose out
on the desires of success
and retire in mess

Ya lama hina ya lama hina

what is it exactly that i want to become

do i want to be smartest girl in the world?
do i want to be the sweetest girl in the world?
Do I want to be the most faithful girl in the world?
Do i want to be the most romantic?
Or do i want to be the most desired/
Or do I want all of them?

if I want all of them I must have all of them not pretend!
and right now I am severely pretending
crazily attending to my every loss
come here
and sit down
and do not go anywhere
but your viscious weakness

come here stay down
and never get up to reach out to success
 but i can be successful
I can be beautiful
and clever
and romantic
and determined
and sweet
and unfevered
all at the same time

I can do it all
without severely pretending


Monday, January 30, 2012

I am dreaming of how I would look

I should be in a lecture ...please forgive me God
but instead I
am dreaming of my wedding day
im dreaming of a man who can show me a different exposure to love and life
Im dreaming of a day my day where my dress is pearled with dreams coming alive
Its ivory its gold its beautifully designed its vapoured with satin sandal and musk its divine
dream of his eyes
I draw his outline and I know how I want to feel
....In love.......

Sunday, January 29, 2012

En Route to..... new poetry

i no longer am employed by heartbreak company
I no longer write images of fantasy
i write beauty
I write images of mytrust within myself
I write how a simple piano sog makes me and breaks me
I write how even though my dreams are large I am large enough to fill them
I write how God can turn me or break me but I will only believe that he will turn my future around and save me
I write how sudan is my home and I am its friend therefore it will help me
I am lavish enough
strong enough good enough
to deserve forgiveness
I deserve an image of myself that is happy and sound
passing life freely and with all the things I need and want

Ya Rab here I am today dreaming of aday where normally I am sad and unwisely fearful
sad and think that I am so far away
but today my writing writes
I am close closerthan i think
and iwth everyday that passes I love you more Ya Rab and I wish that you forgive me and help me becomethe woman you created me to become
I wish that you let me deserve that love I am looking for
I dont know what it looks like or feels like
and I open foryour suggestion ya allah
all i know is I am fresh
and new for it
I am unique to it
I will spen my time reserveing love for the man you give me
the one you intend to cross my heart with
and I wll not fail to show you that i am deserving of that match

Ya Rab
I asky ou to help me
direct me and teach and help me spend my days wisely controllably freely
Ya rAb I realise I have yet a lot to learn in loving you and that is true love
I have betrayed you and become unfaithful
trading u with other things
changing you with other images in my mind

and here I am today in total belief that you will take me back and give me your blessing
Ya Rab

Long lost dream 3

no more heartbreak
no more pain
no more destruction
and words in vain
i no longer run but stay here like a queen
i no longer fight except fight for whats right
No more words of sadnessa nd waste of time
no more giving up what is truly mine
no more anger no more despair
just health and healthy repair
no more anguish of good old dreams
just the future of a beautiful day
a new day
a day where i pass
a day where i pass life
and eternity
no more facebook
no more retiring in the worst part of me 
no more of invisibility
i leave you behind the ugly in me
and take a new step on a new train
.......one that i missed... along time ago/......


I realise a pattern
everytime i become strong
something tries to push me down
everytime i become happy
something tries to make me sad
everytime i try and think of myself a success
something alwaystriesto make think of myself as a failure

but not this time/////

Saturday, January 28, 2012

A long lost dream 2

Today I was reminded of an old dream. One that may have  started my writing . The reason I wrote a poem or the reason i felt loving emotions. The reason I am here today writing liket his was all this dream that started a long time ago... I still remember the notebooks , the scenes going on in my mind... the flavour of them. they were beautiful to me... they meant everything to me...and suddenly it started dissappearing I changed
I did not deserve the beautiful dream  anymore
it did not light within me anymore slowly and slowly it removed itself until i no longer ached for it instead new things came to mind and the beauty of my dream died
and today i met a woman who reminded me of the old me the one ive been searching for that part of me that hid after my old dream parted I was reminded why i had that dream i said it i once used to dream ............and I felt lost in space almost taken back to a moment when everything was right simple and elegant again

and it made me think
what really iis my favourite love story?

A long lost dream 1

I have tremendous courage
I have no fear but from God
but this is because im prepared for the expected
and for the unexpected
I feel dangerously reminded
I feel I have done explosively wrong
but God forgives
and not believing that is a sin
I am tired of being explosive
I desire to be .....a long lost dream

I am a beautiful woman
I agree with body and language and
have a confidence that is pure and elegant
sometimes funny and proud
but certainly strong

I am a strong woman

I am a great woman
one who deserves the best

I always ask myself

what is my favourite love story?
The notebook?
Asi and Demir
The sultan and Hoyam?
Ibrahim and Khadija
Tristan & Isolde?
Jalil aldeen and Jodha Akbar?
A sudanese wedding?
Sila & jowdat?
Lesley & Scott?
havana nights?
Brian and Mia
Waleed and Laila
Babi Y Hache
this random italian series
and many many many more

I stop and try and remember all the hours Ive spent watching love
extracting what I want
what i think

now that is love
I want this
I want to feel that

but wait a minute
I dont know how it feels
and wait a minute

I still havent answered the question
what is my favourite love story?



another day comes like today
and im at a big crossroads in my life
I may either pass or fail
but I will not surrender

Friday, January 27, 2012

good things come to good people

Al Sultana Khadija
Is a woman I aspire to be
She is calm sensual good

all talents I do not have
her name is strong
she always means well
never harmed
so cannot beharmed
she is sweet

all things I do not have
she is religious
emotional but truthfully
never a lie
she is a woman who got what she wanted
because she deserved the best
everyone saw her as a woman who deserved the best

Alsultana Khadija
beloved and eternal

I aspire to be

the sultanate of a good heart like hers

Thursday, January 26, 2012

one month

It is one month until my birthday where am I?
and how do I feel ?
old with misery and mistakes
old with battles that I never needed to take
wars that I never needed to gage
tears that never needed to fall
pain that didnt have to be felt
power that could have been kept
shame that could have been spent
love that could have been saved

Nile Lonely

I love this song

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

cancel each other out

Here I am......in a war of time and balance
feeling like all my words have failed me andbetrayed me
fr I am unsheltered and broken

I feel like I have all the reasons of impurity and sadness by my side
suddenly my writing decieves me and weakens me
I feel embarrassed from all ive written

suddnly i think what  is this
what have i done
where have i been gone
why am I like this
soooo impatient

I want to scream
I want to get lost in a paradise far far away
where I dont know about anything and they dont know about me
I want to be in a place where I am sheltered with peace and no worry
just praying to god
just remembering he is the only thing close to me
between these rocks and water
between these sands and distance
I wish I knew a place like that in my mind
where I would find heaven inside
and deep within
and feel free from sin
and extra thoughts
and loose promises
and untied results

I wish I wasbetter
more talanted
more patient

I am unhappy because
I am stretched in a million ways
I want this
but I also want to be that
I want to go right but I want to stay left
I want to live here but I also want to live there
I want to know t his but i want to knwo that
I want to love this but I want to love that
I want to do this but I want to do that
I realise
im living in a world where all I do is want
I just want and want and want and want
I enver get because all my wants cancel each other out

i dont want to cancel my wants no more
there is an important thing i need to do to achieve my monthly discovery
a monthly discovery is important to me
please do not let me fail never mind fail the first one ............

Feeling like a failure

I do not want to remember
I do not want to surrender
 Iwant to pass my life
pass my tests
with great marks
I want to win
 iwant to challenge myself and become the great mysterious the great universal
I want to defend my territories
of ove and courage
for 5 minutes I want to blend a life worth living with the life that Im having
I Want to feel my eyes call me to the right picture
the perfect movie

or the perfect night
cobblestone walkways
and untold fairytales lie
the moon presents with a smile in its eye

for us

I want to not be nervous and engage myself in true honesty
Why have I forgotten who I am waht my faith is/
I feel undeniably old
and big
until I let people laugh at it
I deserve it
and I do not deny it
that I deserve to be laughed at

but I will not surrender

I want to create new things but they must be good they must be good

Monday, January 23, 2012

a new piece of words

There  is a point in existence where I will meet you - you the guy that I insist on having on wanting on desiring you will be totally filled with flaws but i will love you because you make things right with you love is true and love is a fight for winning
There is a day like today when I have hope when I have your eyes to melt into even though I do not see them  i know they are there and this is
heartbreak poetry
for years I am 'experienced' in heartbreak writing
typing adn typing the words heart and broken together
like they were meant for each other
 but not today today there is a chance for me
for you
for you to........
well i leave this space blank for you..............................

and everyday I will open a new place for you
until i have enough hope to regain you
and enough time to explain to you
how much everything was meant to be ...beautiful like real love

untitled clarity

today is a better day...
is a clearer morning and a lighter evening
today I am one step closer to my goals
I am one step further from my mistakes
I am not tired....and I do not want to give up
I am in control of my day 

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Echoes in my mind_ (Please heal me)

I want to find a surreal place and call it home
never have to leave
never have to cry
I want to find a magic song and call it perfect
never get bored from it never recover from its intensity

I want to find my good self and make it shine
always polish it and let it be mine
and mine aone

  I want to find a cool breeze and let it transform me
I want to sit in a hidden forest and feel safe

I want to stare at a beautiful image and know I am the beautiful
 I want to love in a moment in time and know I am the reason for love

I want to be calm
I want to be happy
I want to be the reason for someones call
to change their tracks
and walk this way for ever after....................

I cannot show you ....ever

ths blog is my diary
or is it my tragedy
i never write for others
i purely write for myself
I dont know do I  write to live or do I write to die

I once wrote I hated writing
for writing gave me a freedom I was too afraid of
I could say how I feel and what I feel is dangerous
words encapsulate me like destiny

I never write for others
in fact people wouldnt know what Im saying
I write so fast I make spelling mistakes
like my life mistakes
im thinking ever so fast
but im thinking about all the wrong things

Im afraid of writing
Im afraid of showing my feelings to anyone
even I cannot understand who I am
even I cannot imagine what I am
if i had to write to you
I would say........

Please do not judge by what you do not know

if I had to write to you
I would say
I am the woman you do not know
I am mysterious but all forgotten but all hidden

I have no diary about my life
just my emotions and devotion to the wrong the right
the true and the false
the magic and the tragic
this is a tragic diary
like a bad car accident

or a terrible nightmare
but it holds me like I can never let go
for I write my despair
I write trying to repair broken ideas
I write before I can forget forgotten memories
so they are engraved in this sadness
in this madness
I call
lost under control

I am really a lost woman seemingly under control
I have no control over desire or what I dream about
and so until I find the answer
I will remain to be lost in this valley of words
in these words like swords
they bleed me always to continue..........trying to heal

my ring, my faith

ya allah
ihave lost you
I cannot remember you
my passion for you has withered
my passion for you has dissappeared
ya allah my love for you has been eliminated out of the game

Ya allah I miss you
I want you back
like a beautiful relationship lost
I am the discoverer I have lst it all having an affair with some other desire

Ya allah I realise you are the only one i need
I am so selfish now
I have done so wrong
but I just want you now

Y a allah I am here
see me
I do not deserve to even speak your name
to even be your servant
to even have this diamond of faith I am still wearing

but it is not longer shining
my beautiful ring
it once used to shine my way
and give me direction in the darkest of hours
and now
I look at it and it is lifeless
dull just a block of stone

my ring, my faith , i have it but i cannot see it
i cannot elaborate on it

I am embarrassed ya allah
i am so far away ya allah
i am the one who has just seen the signpost
hell - arrow - this way -
and i havecontinued walking

and now another sign post
hell - arrow - this way - getting closer

I am the woman looking at the signpost in the middle of a dry desert thirsty and chained , bleeding and tired looking at this sign looking at my black ring of dull faith


I cannote count no more
I cannot  ....................

put down the sword 2

The battle is over the war has been done
the challenge of destruction is now gone
She lets the sword fall it makes a cling
her hair moves softly to the lessons of the wind

no noise is heard no breath moves
her eyes watch closely to the methods of truce
turn around and walk away
you are the only life here you cannot stay

she knows feelings have died for her
she knows emotions have cried for her
she knows the nights have fallen for her
she knows the sun has waken for .... her 

and so she glistens to the sharpness of life
no more blood can be shed forever
no more fear can conquer this weather
nobody can make me ..... cry again

Put down the sword 1

it only takes one enzyme to be deficient for your life to be severely disabled.....

frightening words

it only takes one thought to be deficient for your life to be severely disable
one dream to be absent
one fear to be gone for you to be deficient from life

it only takes one morning for you to realise how badly youve done
how long youve been gone

it only takes a nightmare for you to scream
and wake up

it only takes a decision for you to become..... a new dream
it only takes forever until you see the truth
the truth which you already know
it only takes a memory then for you to cry
for you to wish you can die and start all over again

it only takes one vision to be deficent for your conquest to be severely disrupted
for your successes to be severelyi nterrupted
it only takes one hole for your body to sink
it only takes one weakness for your life to think........
oh how strong I was to go to hell
oh how good I was to meet this fire
oh how tired I am from this attire............

of hell inside me
of fire burning raging within me
of drama living my hours
of smoke invading my breath
of burn destroying my youth
of jealousy killing all I choose

to be
oh how I wish for a new day
where Ic an forgive myself
where I do not need to torment myself
and interrogatemyself
oh how I wish for a new day
with love inside me
and joy around me
and hope surrounding me

oh how I wish I was a better woman
a cleaner woman
a wiser stronger vision
for myself
oh how I wish i could forget the sadness
i could forget the excessive humiliation I always feel

oh how i wish I could love myself
for this is the true love I wish
if someone ver read any of whatI write
they might think I have loved and been loved a million times

but the truth is I have never been loved
and I have never loved ....

and the worst part of it all is I have never been able to love myself
i have never been able to take advantage of whoI am today instaed
of dreaming of tomorow

if i forgot today i would have nothing to remember any way
if I died today
there was nothing i lived for anyway
if i cried today
i would probably cry again tomorow

oh how I wish i did it all right
how i Wish i asked forgiveness and received it first from deep inside my heart
second from god
third form the world that I let hit me

oh how I wish i could smile from deep inside me and hate nothing around me
and close my eyes and open them and still find the same thing I want

oh how i wish I dream no more
how I wish I live for myself
for this battle is over this war is done.....................

I cannot sleep tonight

I cant sleep I feel sick with torment about whats right and wrong
about what is beautiful and what is ugly
what is mine and what Is not
what i deserve and what I can have
I cant sleep i feel jealous
selfish unlimited with mistakes
I cannot sleep I want to stretch myself until i become invisible
even the closest to me want to make me invisibel
i do not blame them
for I am only expanding
and my dreams are dying
am in
my body hurts
my mind cannot sleep
and my mistakes are only getting bigger

I cannot sleep I want what I want
and I need what I want to tell me it is willing to give me another chance
here  i am in 2012
and all i have ts the chance to never letgo
the chance to reduce
the chanceto reducethe misery and become another woman
a woman with meaningful eyes
with beautiful hair
and a red dress......
how I wish for a red dress with gold pearls
and green beads with white satin
and a simple night like tonight with complex emotion and beautiful feelings to tame me
for I am the wild horse that cannot stop running and I am tired
and I am going to die if I do not stop and rest
if I do not stop and tihnk
where it is I am going
what direction do I want to run
and do I really have to run

i must drink some water and rest ....I must drink some water and rest..................

The undeniable truth_Green Pearls & Red Satin

I am so ashamed
I cannot breathe
I cannot think
I cannot be
the right thing
and I have lost that forever

i always thought i wanted lust i wanted desire passion yearning lack of control temptation in the surrender of everything else
i would die for this i said
I would go mad for this i said
i would fight for this until the end i said
 Iwould even give up waht I believed for ...for this I said
and I agreed with every thought in my being
and then.....
a story comes along and shows me what I really want
what my heart really is in pain for
what I really want to watch
what I really want to eat
what I really want to feel
what I Really want to do

i dont want a love fit for a king
i dont want treasures or fantasy

I just want to thank god for giving me the right person
tonight god did a good thing for me even though i have continued to do bad for him
he helped even though i dont deserve it
he protected my family even though i undenyably put them in danger
today god helped me
and showed me what it is I really want
what it is i really want...........

I used to mock them
i used to laugh at them
think their letters and napkins were just silly
ha ha ha
! ha.............. ha!!!!
look at real love learn from them I said
kissing and tasting and touching and words soooooo hypnotising thats real love thats true love that s.........

I used to laugh at them and skip their beat
i used to think whatever move on

and now the joke is on me
they won
and I lost
they showed me what they have is whats true and right
and what is true and right always wins
always always wins

He walks into the room after a long long journey
she cant feel her knees as she has walked the same
no wrods are spoken the silence is unbroken
but the language they hear is violent
she can hear him say
Ive been dreaming of this day for so long
he can hear her say
I love you I love you I love you
everything is right everything is perfect
I cannot fault it
my everlasting pain actually ceases for a little while
because for a little while I see what it is I want
right in front of my eyes.....
for a little while I can find it
this is what I want
I could show it to myself
and i can let my soul my bleeding soul understand
what it is im looking for ..............

His greens and her reds merge in the softness of honesty
her eyes blend with her true emotion
his love soars as the nearness of her beauty reveals
her eyes follow him
his breath gets sharper
their love is larger....... than I ever imagined.................

Thursday, January 19, 2012

i cannot control myself

Obsession is a pure desire taking energy from everything you are so youcan remain with its deep and darkest offense to hold you
you do not care about anything else
want anything else
you could forget food and drink and eduction or even family
just to be with  what your eyes have been seduced by

seduction a beautiful word that can be romanticised and beautified but can be accidentally monstrous. unable to have a balance seducive eyes can topple you over the edge , break you, or make you better or stronger, when you are really weaker and shattered. seduction the eye cannot see but feel the soul reaches to sustain the mind can no longer breathe without this ruling desire i have for you

desire the word that steals kings, makes queens, kills unstoppable uncontrollable attention to the great fury of touch and taste - there is no other there is no one that can do this to me but you I desire nothing but to watch you sleep to hear your voice to touch your face to have you under my control

control a word where kept you gain the good side of the world and when lost you lose yourself - control the test of all eternity the test of time challenging your every obsession seduction desire and need icannot control myself and so i have lost myself......................

Black Pearls & Satin 3_ Jealousy Kills

They fight and kill
for love and passion
there is no luck here
just agony and plans
just dancing
 I desire it to be easy
yet stronger than the fight for a king
I desire it to be holy
the passion for god
I desire it to be meaningful
and trustworthy
my ring
and my necklace
and my eyes that mesmerise him
our children
our mornings
our nights
and our lustful love
no corridors in btween
no stairs to climb
no fights to win
I desire him to be mine alone 
and mine alone
I desire him to fight for me
wnat only me
I desire him

and yet 
all I find myself doing is being the loser
crying to win

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Tell me........that I'm right

I wrote this for a guy who does not know I exist..... and even though I know I'm only hurting myself, a part of me just wants to write......... always for him.

  I am lost for words, lost for an image, lost for a way to speak to you,to find you...... oceans, countries, people, everything seperates us.... and while you are far away in your own land you still look at the same stars as me, speak the same language as me, read the same words as me.....but you do not know me.....and I .....close my eyes and imagine life with you... and then something happens to me you are so much closer....I just want to find you, to hear your voice... to see what your eyes might say but I am afraid you would misunderstand me you would minature me..... you might even laugh......  your world grabs my attention like an amazing movie I do not want to stop watching....your words tell me a heartbeat i never want to stop feeling.. your place attracts my every imagination..... I see it like the perfect puzzle but all the pieces are missing...except the piece where i cannot stop thinking about you.    I once wrote I couldnt bare a rejection from a man that I love...there is one thing wrong with that sentence..... i have already bared a rejection from a man that I love.............

piece of advice

IF you are great but you can be greater
Do not hesitate

a sudanese drama......in real life (POW)

I see a dream in a picture I want to recall
the place the memory but I stumble and fall
for I am an intruder into a place I desire
for I can only imagine their love is like fire

I do not know I do not know
but I do see henna flowers bouncing on a new page
I see magnified cells of  dantella waving new margins
I feel a touch beginning a new story
 Isee gardens of romance cornering the dancefloor

he holds her near and she hold him nearer
she stares into his eyes and he stares into hers farther
he brings her close and she brings him closer
she smiles today but he smiles wider

I see a dream in a picture I used to dream
forever and ever I intrude in a foreign trip
and I slip always
by an illusion of destiny

like his beautiful black and her beautiful white
like his zoom into love
and his flash into care
and his clp of eternity
and his change of colour to drive the unknown
into discovery.........


beautiful ozone.....

in a dark place away............

once upon a time in a dark place away
I lost my life I lost my day
as I sat in a train in a seat in a terrible seat
i let it take me away up north to defeat

once upon a time in a dark plcae away
my dreams were cut short
in a life time meant to survive
but they struggled and died

once upon a time in a dark place away
I have a piece of my heart to someone
even though I that piece was meant to stay with me
i forced it to travel in the wrong direction
i gave a part of me to a trains journey
shuttle shuttle in the tracks
that piece of me will never come back

or will it
I want it back
i want it back

but for a moment I was the woman i always fought
for a moment I was the woman who i wanted to kill
i was the eyes I wanted to poke out
I was the smile I wanted to turn down
i was the touch I wanted to burn
i was the evidence i wanted to cheat

....but the truth is always hard to have
i was the truth i never wnated to hear

once upon a time in a dark place away
i never got my sense of hope again..............

Black Pearls & Satin 2

he waits for her
hecant are to do anything else
he can barely control himself thinking about her
staring out of his wide balcony
tellme what to do, tellme what you have done to me
your stare is imprinted in my memory
I cannot breathe now except with you in it
I cannot think now unless you are in my thoughts
I cannot be who I am without you being who I am

he waits for her his heart beating
never in all his kingship did he feel like this
so out of control like this
not in reign like this
someone ruling him
but how in that moment he loved the image
controlled by her

Suddenly he hears the unlocking of the doors
one big breath shallow not intended
turns around
cannot breathe
waiting to see her
her hair, her shimmering eyes
her soft skin
her lack of fear
her mysterious courage

dying to see her.............

to be continued

Black Pearls & Satin 1

I search for a desire untold by histroy
even I cannot tell it as its light burns me
i have not heard, or seen or felt this lust
i have not even yearned for it as its composition can kill me

I dream of love beyond  surfaces and rooms
beyond levels and skies
beyond relationships and families
beyond freedom and war
beyond me
I dream of a love beyond me

warriors could die for this
soldiers could be armed for this
kings could search for this
and I.... I dream of this
grand exposure with a historic futuristic tale
anywhere I want this fairytale

I close my eyes and see black pearls and long sleeves
i get an idea
how i crave for secret ideas
I collect satin 
I collect time 

a love past stories told
this is unlike any story ever told
a love past what the eye can see
and the heart can beat
this is a love for impossible defeat

12- 4.5_ I lack a soul

it escalates
it gets out of contorl
it increases
it rises
it tolls
it magnifies
it blows up
it demands to be seen
it accelerates

it runs
 the number defines exact risk of damage
it damges me

God wants to tach me a lesson
yesterday i could have found out information
now i cannot find out
because i was messing with the world
i was creating my own universe
i was synced out of oplay
i was jealous
and abnormal
and existing prematurely

deep down i am sick
i feel sick
and i do not know how to cancel it
it makes me disrespect myself
lack enjoyment
lack pleasure

gain trips of pian

the equation is so different
doubles tripled quadruples
right now
i lack a soul

Sunday, January 15, 2012

respectable woman not so much

Respectable woman lies and cheats
Respectable woman is just a broken defeat
eyes tender to the touch of remorse
respectable woman is getting worse and worse

Ever so broken I have no words to compare
with good woman of my age that never dare
to dare GOd

Ever so fragile I have no strength
muscles tormented by mind death
soul won by devils plan
I span my life to be ruled by desires
I give my all my control to be ruled by fire

Ever so lost I cannot find my way
too many roads all going the wrong way
Ever so scared I Cannot think straight
letting other people put fear in me and steal my fate

Ever so sad I forgot how to be happy
ever so mad I forgot how to be calm
ever so 'special' I just want to be normal
ever so normal I wish I was special

...to someone


what a terrible number to write
a horrible day to begin
the first day of ice is the first day of darkness in my eyes
I want to die
but I know I will go to hell if I die so soon
i must not let it break me
like a  cold cold recession
I must not let it kill me
like an awful accident
it was an awful accident
but I will recover
and I will not surrender
for I am a good person
 I am a weak good person
I am a kind person
and I deserve to understan d the molecules of my soul
I understand tiny bits and so I make great mistakes
but yesterday i understood a great big chunk of my evil soul
it is an evil soul
a weak soul
a soul to be embrrassed from
it is a woul with no lines of defence and no outlook forhte future
escpecialy the afterlife
I does not love god the way I love god
and it loves the devil the way I hate the devil
it is a soul of no mercy and no hope for it to ever save me
and so I have to start all over again at number 11

Friday, January 13, 2012

Is this all that I have earned 5? Parts of me Fighting

 A part of me does not know why I'm sad
Questionable of the good in my life

A part of me thinks Im beautful
A part of me thinks...I'm not

A part of me knows I'm smart
A part of me sees something else

A part of me knows Im faithful
A part of me feels something else

A part of me is always afraid
A part of me wants to never fear anything but GOd

A Part of me looks at herself in the mirror and knows her reflection
A part of me looks and does not know who is looking back

A part of me wants what I have and to make it work
A part of me wants what I do not have and to bleed to make that work

Khartoum Heartbreak_ tears fall for days lost in time

Today I am sad and frightened
I  have failed terribly not even easily and I have so much work to do
Not in just passing but in dreaming

my dreams have tarnished
my dreams have become finite
I can see their end near

Sometimes I wish I could just leave and turn home
I miss home
I always write about the sounds, the visions , the balconies and the scents
I always remember the history the past
when there was no judgement
just clean verandas and sunset kitchens glistening with sparkle

If I close my eyes I can remember a long time ago
a clean veranda where cotton sheets mesmerised in the working air conditioning and mixture of fresh bakhoor . The flowers painted lightly employed the sunset and flashed their desire to impress. pillows plumped outwards and chairs sat perfectly for dinner. the scents of lux soap devoured the space as white skin was moisturised and long black but hair was swept into a gently ponytail
the middle bed was the first story , light television over a sweet evening tea visitors allowed and sowing talked over perfect hems

IF I close my eyes I can unfold the time back to when wardrobes were filled with treasures. It was a young kids dream, my dream to beg for them to be opened she used to laugh and open them with hands free show me the vast array of collected items I couldnt wait to grow up so they could be mine
fabrics from far and wide sat like decorated armor
I wore this when I and I wore that when and /..... this one is for you when you get married
I chuckled and tried to imagine a still foetus dream
perfumes lounged in discussion as I was allowed to spray 

chanel number 5...... the master of perfume .... no other bottle could compete with her love of number 5 it sat like the captain in the centre of the other scared bottles on the second shelf of the first  wardrobe........ thats anough spraying! dont waste my perfume!
i was gushed out of the room smelling like a bucket of cologne -

If I close my eyes I remember how the plants had to be watered at the right times.... just before Asr - and when the yard was washed. I remember how the yard was washed and she stood at the corner of the veranda door

move that conspicous pot and clean behind it !
 Andthen days when ehr history was taken to london
the london I want to return to not this london when red buses where open at the back and you could make it ot break a leg.....we always made it
 Strawberry cheesecake in woolsworth
clothes shopping in C&M

I sitll remember she loved those shops
I still remember she treated me to the end of a hard day shopping to strawberry cheesecake in woolsworth
but when I close my eyes I cannot remember it all! UUUGGGH
its fuzzy its broken and its lost, like images from an erased tape due to old age
I try and force my eyes shut and repair the image but I do not have all the memory in store no longer

I wish I did I wish i did
have the image of her and I in woolsworths eating strawberry cheesecake in oxford street
what did we talk about
I will enver know
what was she thinking I will  never know

I have all the feelings and emotion devotion
I can sense her and I know what I am missing without her
but its too late
 i miss her dedication to perfeect cooking, perfect cleanliness perfect accuracy
freezers set to the right degree and jelly must not be too soft or too hard
it was t he knowledge of a genius
it was the era of beautiful days

I miss it all
I missi it all
I  miss her
I miss her

My grandmother 
she is the days I want to recreate
she is the product i want to become
she isthe fairytale that should be acted
she is the wonder that should  be facted

she is the happinness that I want to repeat
Her abscence is a misery i cannot defeat
she is the key to a history untold
beautiful images in my mind frozen and cold
I want to take them and melt them in the heat
and return to the day when the back yards flourished with cotton sheets and we sat there so happy so
ignorant to the fact these were the most cherished days in my youth
I cannot weight those days with anything
I cannot pay for my future without the income of those days

those days when life was still traditional yet modern
when was life was still blended with ease and pattern of beauty
when my grandmother was still the pearl of the house
 and the story of love
the story of kindness but the difference in detail
in respect in standards and knowledge
made her a woman no one can ever find today

I wonder where your helper went , what happened to her is she alive or dead
the last reminensce of a Sudan now gone you and her , you and me,me and her me and a history I close my eyes and wish to return to
A sudan, a day, a story ,a moment in life we will never ever ever see again

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

En Route to ........... The woman

En Route to.............. the woman who holds the ocean glory
she looks out to the ocean, the cean small in her memory ,vast in her emotion she takes a breath of fury, fury to be the right woman, adrenaline soars in her anatomy, she is the perfect body of water harmony the sky of the blue cloth she intimately connects life to sings far with the wind. I am happy to be with you. She is clean, she is smart and she is patient. happily involved with life but in a relationship with God. THis woman knows what she's doing what she wants. She deserves anything pure and right -

Ya RAb
forgive me for I h ave done wrong
many times and may where
seperate me from my sins like you seperate the west from the east
do not let me see them ever again like you do not let see the snight and day together

Ya Rab you do not change people unless they change within themselves
I vow to change myself
I vow to break free from the chains of my disgust

Dear God
analyse me from pain
describe me from torment
write me down about sorrow
Do not pick any of these
I vow to become better feel better look better
I vow to be stronger and smarter
Ya Rab I beg only you and i beg you that it is not too late

I beg you to help me ya rab

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Nearly being her isnt enough 2

Nearly living your life the way you wanted is not enough
Nearly loving the way you dreamed
Nearly seeing your dreams come true is not enough

Nearly becoming distinct from others
and nearly holding onto your faith is not enough

Nearly being happy
nearly being true
nearly being strong
nearly being you

Nearly reaching your potential
nearly knowing it
nearly just smelling what hte potential is
is not enough

nearly failing is enough to make you die
nearly crying for a year is enough to make yo shy
from life
nearly always feeling like somethings missing is excruciating
and nearly losing the chance on being a faithful muslim girl is

IMagination  ...............
the exams are over and you stand before the amazing, the wonderful

Please God PLease dont fail me

queitly he plays your mistakes
I do not wnat to fail
it is you that has forced me to do so
tell me
what is it that you did not have?
what is it that you could not do
what is it that was so ahrd

look when you lived life like this
I gave you youth i gave you money
time independance health wealth
a mind , a beautiful mind

why did you do these mistakes?
you knew the answers you always knew the answers
so why did you never write them down?

Dear God
I  dont know
i didnt
I didnt think this day would realy ever come/

.....now is not t hat a mistake that I can forget all others and just take this one
where you now taught
did you not hear
you yourself
what did u spend your life doing being
a muslim right
so did you just do that
did you not be a muslim because you believed in me
yes I believed in you but/////
You never trusted me
you never were able to love me more that life

wanted to but i always held back it was my souls fault I hate my soul it is a terrible soul

I give souls so you can contorl them
this soul is yours
only you can tell it what to do
it is true that souls are like children and want anything once they get it they cannot or do not want to let go
but it is you who gives them that anything and it is you that lets t hem live with it
you also have the ability to take it from them
a soul is yours until now when you are  standing in front of me and your soul is here look at it

I turn to the right and see 
I want to move but I cannot

I see
a beautiful woman , a b eautiful woman one who looks like me or is it who i wanted to see all in white all in beautiful array of dreams and harmony from here I can smell her perfume from the flowers of jasmine her skin so white it is almost see through her blood in her veins runs crystal and not red her eyes
wow her eyes surge with blackness , with largeness with strength I cannot take my eyes off her I cannot take my mind of her but..... thhere is something wrong this girl is tied down is tied by chains , great big metal chains she cannot move, she can barely breathe
Icannot resist
who tied you up like ths ?
she looks at me and i know the answer without her having to say it
but she replies as she is a beautiful good woman
you did this to me

my tears in these high skies come painful here you do not want to cry but if u do you feel the tears coming out for they are heavy they are from so deep within they take a piece of you when t hey come out
i cannot stop them

DO you see how clean and beautiful your soul really was ?
you always blamed it
you always hated it
this is what you hated

I cannot believe I hated this beautiful woman
I alwyas wanted to be this woman
how can I have done this
I do not know what to do I am in pain from my tears I am in agony from the remorse I feel
I scream
I feel myself aching in every part of my body
I feel how can I have let this happen
it was my choice always and I chose to chain away the beautiful
that woman would have saved me if i had lived in her I would have been living so true
i scream
I scream

now do yousee why I must fail  you

I remember the test
i know that I must be failed
I know that I only deserve to go to hell
i know that the most important of me is chained and the one that ias free deserves only fire

I cannot speak, I cannot repeat any remorse or begging
I wish i could beg and beg and beg
what would I beg for?
oh please GOd please
give me one more chance
bring me back to this world and let me release this soul of mine
let me cherish it and be it and let me come back to you it in front of you
and let me pass the exam of chaining the monster not the angel

Ya Rab give me that chance

my mind works but my lips area frozen, no my lips are burned with the red tears

God understands though what I am thinking

I can feel the burn of the angels of fire coming to take me
there is no point waiting
there is no point looking at what could have been but I cannot help take one more look at the beautiful part of me that should be free.......

I turn
I turn
I am so afraid
I am so sad
I am so scared
for this is Gods word coming true
the one I did not believe ...................

Nearly isnt enough 1

They are not alive but dead , they won't feel until it is too late ( that day)

I break in the memory of girl who I used to know a long long time ago
she was beautiful , she was aliv, breathing in the vast air that God gave her , thankful for each breath, happy that she has this unquantified gift
This girl cherished God , lived for him and him alone, prayed because she wanted to offer him something and not just because it had to be done
studied to be better her country and family and not just because she was ttested

tests were easy
tests were a symbol of her faith to good faith

i once knew a girl who always smiled
who always wanted to live
laugh and only cry in times of great need
for even tears where a facility from God that should be never underestimated or over exaggurated

I once knew a girl who lived for sanity
for identity
who knew....God
who he was and what he wanted

I once knew a girl who nearly was not enough for her
she always wanted the A
always wanted the first line
always wanted the first thing
not in selfish way
but in a I can do better way

now i see a girl who is behind the fnish line....... barely in the distance can she walk or talk , she cannot breathe and she cannot see where she has to go ...she is in pain and she is miserable at her loss of function - she is old and ugly because of the accummulations of wrong life of too much dependancy on ...life
she is dark and darkened by her loss of soul
her heart is getting congested with remorse and guilt she feels terrible guilty at the past she cannot go forwards as she always looks back...Useless

and here toda 11 days from the start she is still 11 days behind...........................

Monday, January 9, 2012

I feel sick from the fingers

I feel sick
from the heart up and down
today I filled myself with emptiness and then more
I disrespected the respected glory of life
I gave myself away

I feel sick from the mind forever
like I thought for nothing 
like I lived for nothing
like I did nothing

I feel sick from the waist up and down
getting ever so bloated with mistakes
going backwards never forwards

I feel sick from the broken upwards
shattered and tormented by myself downwards
always downwards
always lost always full but empty 

i cannot think I cannot do
 Icannot breathe
 Icannot desire or retire into anything favouring
I am afraid to get sick for I feel sick 

I feel sick from the eye outward
I feel sick from the typing inwards
I feel sick from my stomach all wards

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Monthly Discoveries_ January 2012

Exams to pass

Every month I must have a plan to achieve
something I must do
grades to win and people to impress
most beautifully myself

this month I have exams to win,  to superbly pass

devils plan, and 2 meetings

Devils Plan: lets fail her , make her fail, make her cry, make her always lost and always sad, lets make her never strong, never decided, never useful to herself, lets make her dizzy, make her feel agony and lets make her waste another year , always lets make her waste her time, her health and her feelings, lets make her use so much of her resources that she never is able to get up, lets make her weak, lets make her blind to her abilities, lets make her always jealous, always broken, always under spoken

i wonder how much i've let happen, I wonder how much they want to let happen
I wonder how much i'm going to let past me , and how much i'm going to give away......

all the good things that god gave me , I want to give away
the things that god CHOSe not to give them -- I give them
I give them my mind, I give them my freedom I give them my feelings, I give them my time, I give them my success , I give them



Devils meeting: we need her to always be like this, always lost, always in failure mode, if she ever wakes up then where would we get our facilities? we would starve and die we must always build new strategies and twist her here and there so she is so tied up she does not know where to begin if she ever wanted to even dream to revolutionise

Devils meeting 2 - not to worry this is normal procedure, she always does this , how many times she has tried to run way and we catch her, how many times she has tried to scream and we shut her up and how many times we have heard this before and it never has worked so don't worry everyone just keep eating and drinking and taking all you want we've got years of work ahead of us

.............To be continued

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Live Khartoum heartbreak 2

DON'T eat that!

I remember the night i sat on an african balcony dreaming that I Could reach the stars
wishing upon a miracle to bring them down for me as there was no way i could reach high to get them
there was no wayI could reach high to get them
 the heat of the tiles accumulated a sadness within me as if I was soaking up the african ground from a distance
where the people where hungry and thirsty but I was full I was so full 
and yet 
the distance between me and the stars was ever so grand
ever so far
it made me hungry
so hungry
that all I felt was pain
like the pain I feel now
hungry and yet never full
full and yet always hungry

En route to..............a new way of thinking

En route to..............a new way of thinking

God  I wish this  year is great
everyday I understand your plans better
today I realised how important you call was
today I remembered how strong I am
just by being a muslim woman

Dear God
forgive me today
Dear God
Forgive me tomorow
Dear God
forgive me yesterday

Dear God help me out in my anguishes
and dont leave me to languish

I ask for your concern and your dreams
I ask your oppotunities and your jingling keys
your existence in my heart before my eyes can see

Please let my eyes shine with your beautiful disguise
I want you to bulge me into life
I want you to drink me into reality
I want you to taste me into the future

let me rephrase
I want to drink and taste reality and the future as one with you

I want to walk and talk for you
I want to think and click worlds around you

I want to live for you
Ya RAb
let 2010 be ATDS year
let it be my year
entwined with love
and let 12/12 be a miracle day
and let my family healthy all say

we are proud of you
please let me believe in my self
do notlet me fail any test
that you give me
that you set me
I need your forgiveness before I can succeed
Ya rAb I do not want to be the one who has been mistaken
 I do not want to be the girl who was undertaken....
by life

YA rab I do not want to be the evil tongue
the dark earrings and absorbing necklace of demand
I do not demand anything

I just want your acceptance on me
I want to calm my volcano of rage
I want to stage a good drama
an innocent way

Lord knows there are things I do and feel I feel true and do
Lord knows there are things I say and mean I mean wrong and say


I ask you to not ever let me repeat the past
do not ever let me repeat the unknown
I ask you to help me

here I am thining I am invincible
when I am truly vvery invisible without you
ya rab ana
ya here or there

Y a rab I am overstretched
I want this And I want that
I feel this and I feel that
I dream this and I think that

I ask for this and I ask for that
they cancel each other out
so I dont ask for anything

Ya rab I have lost my identity
I am identity mess
who I am
what is it that i believe in and want
how much do I love myself
what am I willing to offer myself

how much am I willing to sacrifice for you

In Khartoum... I heard al sorts of heartbreaks
damaging and untold
awful desires and burning devils behind closed doors
poor love but rich in length
eyes attracting the empty
fears telling the story

of a woman bruised by her own commotion
creating her own traffic
stopping behind her own red light

asking all the wrong questions
leading all the wrong path

If I could freeze the summary
and heat the conclusion it would burn with the fuel of ill confidence

I am ill with lack of confidence
I am frightened by the confidence of strong woman stolen from me
its strange I see that confidence and I report it
that is mine
give itback
when did you take it
and how did you steal it that i did not see
if I hadseen you I would have never let you take my cofidence
and they say
you gave it to us
for free

Thursday, January 5, 2012

10- 4.5

its been a while since i've been counting
but i'm listening to my strength and am no longer drowning
2012 I plan to be
the best woman that I can see

just  a few days ago I was a year away
but I thank god that I couldn't stay
in that cold, dark and miserable place
suddenly the sunlight was in my face

a new year
a new chance
a new plan
a new span... of life

a part of me is sorry for all that I have done
but a part of me knows whats done is done
what I've done is gone
what I didn't do is still undone

I went to africa to find my heart
I went back home to search for the start
I went to the desert to get back the truth
I went to a hot winters tale to catch my youth

and in the wind , the blowing wind
and amidst the wedding of fantasy where red satin sat
and throughout the days where the sun was friendly
and over the mornings when fresh coffee brewed
and in the evenings when glowing stars chewed
.......the bitterweet pain

a part of me wanted to scream
a part of me wanted to dream
a part of wanted it all to seem

I know it wasn't fine
it was dangerous and cruel
it was innocent but I was the fool
it was shameful I used her as as tool
I used him, them as a tool
I invisibly bled a red velvet pool
.....of beautiful blood

Here I am today 5 days on
no more memories just the remedy to find the one
God...and I 
are broken ever so
I desperately want to fix it and make it glow

......and i have this year to find how to fix it

Sunday, January 1, 2012

My first dream

May this year lose all bullets of secrets
told by the thoughts of others spilling onto my own

May this year be happy and easy
easily filled with a simple explosion of excuisite story
my story

may this year be the happiest year in my life
may this year be my untold future
may be this year be my reason for livng

May this year be my tears paying enough
my cries turning diamonds
and god.... forgives me
that is a beautifully organised day

May this year be challenging
no misery may break me
only God can make me
better, older, a new woman

a  different composition from the rest
Ya Rab
please have mercy on me\this year
 have mercy on me
 touch me with your grace and love
 forgive me for all I have done in 2011
 do not break me this year
 do not let me trick me
please letme be awake at the right times

Ya rab let my first dream come true
that you love me and forgive me and accept me this year
Ya Rab

YA rab let all my first and right dreams come true
Please organise me into tommorrows melody composition
let me be the right tune
let me play .......wonderfully\
Dear God
I beg you to forgive me
Dear God

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -