Sunday, January 15, 2012

11-4.5

what a terrible number to write
a horrible day to begin
the first day of ice is the first day of darkness in my eyes
I want to die
but I know I will go to hell if I die so soon
i must not let it break me
like a  cold cold recession
I must not let it kill me
like an awful accident
it was an awful accident
but I will recover
and I will not surrender
for I am a good person
 I am a weak good person
I am a kind person
and I deserve to understan d the molecules of my soul
I understand tiny bits and so I make great mistakes
but yesterday i understood a great big chunk of my evil soul
it is an evil soul
a weak soul
a soul to be embrrassed from
it is a woul with no lines of defence and no outlook forhte future
escpecialy the afterlife
I does not love god the way I love god
and it loves the devil the way I hate the devil
it is a soul of no mercy and no hope for it to ever save me
and so I have to start all over again at number 11

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -