Nearly being her isnt enough 2

Nearly living your life the way you wanted is not enough
Nearly loving the way you dreamed
Nearly seeing your dreams come true is not enough


Nearly becoming distinct from others
and nearly holding onto your faith is not enough

Nearly being happy
nearly being true
nearly being strong
nearly being you
is
not
enough

Nearly reaching your potential
nearly knowing it
nearly just smelling what hte potential is
is not enough

nearly failing is enough to make you die
nearly crying for a year is enough to make yo shy
from life
nearly always feeling like somethings missing is excruciating
and nearly losing the chance on being a faithful muslim girl is
tormenting

IMagination  ...............
the exams are over and you stand before the amazing, the wonderful

Please God PLease dont fail me


queitly he plays your mistakes
I do not wnat to fail
it is you that has forced me to do so
tell me
what is it that you did not have?
what is it that you could not do
?
what is it that was so ahrd

look when you lived life like this
I gave you youth i gave you money
time independance health wealth
a mind , a beautiful mind

why did you do these mistakes?
you knew the answers you always knew the answers
so why did you never write them down?

Dear God
I  dont know
i didnt
I didnt think this day would realy ever come/

.....now is not t hat a mistake that I can forget all others and just take this one
where you now taught
did you not hear
you yourself
what did u spend your life doing being
a muslim right
so did you just do that
/
did you not be a muslim because you believed in me
?
yes I believed in you but/////
You never trusted me
you never were able to love me more that life

I
wanted to but i always held back it was my souls fault I hate my soul it is a terrible soul

no
I give souls so you can contorl them
this soul is yours
only you can tell it what to do
it is true that souls are like children and want anything once they get it they cannot or do not want to let go
but it is you who gives them that anything and it is you that lets t hem live with it
you also have the ability to take it from them
a soul is yours until now when you are  standing in front of me and your soul is here look at it


I turn to the right and see 
I want to move but I cannot

I see
a beautiful woman , a b eautiful woman one who looks like me or is it who i wanted to see all in white all in beautiful array of dreams and harmony from here I can smell her perfume from the flowers of jasmine her skin so white it is almost see through her blood in her veins runs crystal and not red her eyes
wow her eyes surge with blackness , with largeness with strength I cannot take my eyes off her I cannot take my mind of her but..... thhere is something wrong this girl is tied down is tied by chains , great big metal chains she cannot move, she can barely breathe
Icannot resist
who tied you up like ths ?
she looks at me and i know the answer without her having to say it
but she replies as she is a beautiful good woman
you did this to me

my tears in these high skies come painful here you do not want to cry but if u do you feel the tears coming out for they are heavy they are from so deep within they take a piece of you when t hey come out
i cannot stop them

DO you see how clean and beautiful your soul really was ?
you always blamed it
you always hated it
this is what you hated

I cannot believe I hated this beautiful woman
I alwyas wanted to be this woman
how can I have done this
I do not know what to do I am in pain from my tears I am in agony from the remorse I feel
I scream
I feel myself aching in every part of my body
I feel how can I have let this happen
it was my choice always and I chose to chain away the beautiful
that woman would have saved me if i had lived in her I would have been living so true
i scream
I scream

now do yousee why I must fail  you

I remember the test
i know that I must be failed
I know that I only deserve to go to hell
i know that the most important of me is chained and the one that ias free deserves only fire

I cannot speak, I cannot repeat any remorse or begging
I wish i could beg and beg and beg
what would I beg for?
oh please GOd please
give me one more chance
bring me back to this world and let me release this soul of mine
let me cherish it and be it and let me come back to you it in front of you
and let me pass the exam of chaining the monster not the angel

Ya Rab give me that chance

my mind works but my lips area frozen, no my lips are burned with the red tears


God understands though what I am thinking


I can feel the burn of the angels of fire coming to take me
there is no point waiting
there is no point looking at what could have been but I cannot help take one more look at the beautiful part of me that should be free.......

I turn
I turn
I am so afraid
I am so sad
I am so scared
for this is Gods word coming true
the one I did not believe ...................