Wednesday, January 18, 2012

12- 4.5_ I lack a soul

it escalates
it gets out of contorl
it increases
it rises
it tolls
it magnifies
it blows up
it demands to be seen
it accelerates

it runs
 the number defines exact risk of damage
it damges me


God wants to tach me a lesson
yesterday i could have found out information
now i cannot find out
because i was messing with the world
i was creating my own universe
i was synced out of oplay
i was jealous
and abnormal
and existing prematurely

deep down i am sick
i feel sick
and i do not know how to cancel it
it makes me disrespect myself
lack enjoyment
lack pleasure

gain trips of pian

the equation is so different
doubles tripled quadruples
right now
i lack a soul

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -