Sunday, February 28, 2016

be different

whats wrong?
the feeling that youre in competition
well youre not
stop this madness
and be happy
dont give up
start and dont stop
dont be pushed around
enjoy the queitness or the storm
wish upon a star just like the other day
no less
only more
 dont give up  the need to let it happen
but you gotta ttry
the only thing making you sad
is the feeling you are not trying
hard enough
or loud enough
only the loud of anger is within you
dont let taht breathe
be honest but dont be in denial
be true
but dont be non existent
be strong
but dont beat up others
be happy b
but dont show it all the time to others
be new
be different
show them show you that yo ucan change
dont look at others with an eye
that something they have you want and you can get with your own self
i mean a nice body
non one is stopping you
so dont be like that horrible energy
be the better energy
the better woman
and if you wernt before
 be that now
the better woman
be strong
and be really happy that Allah gave those girls a good chance of happiness and family

be the good girl 

Friday, February 26, 2016

Wheres it gone?

Where is ur spirit
Kada look for it
Kada search
Is it just gone?
You just woke up one day 
And u had no spirit?
You know
That glow inside you
The one where you show all glamour
All love for who you are
The one where you enjoy yourself
The spirit of trying
Of trying hard kaman
And not being sad
When there is no reason to be sad
Now hope
Where is your spirit
The one where you care
Where you really care
And really ask
And really know deep inside youve tried
I do hope
You find it
For noone can steal your spirit
Noone can try
But you 
You can do anything with it
So what have you done? 

Good news ... Will come to you too

I am not alone
Good news will always be good news
Patience will prevail
And all patience will end with good news
I am here waiting
I am here trying
I am here asking
I am here but not helping
I am here but not trying harder
I am here
But i am still not worth the promotion
You got to work harder
For as much as there is love
There is also hate
And as much as there is joy
There is aadness
And as much as their is understanding
There is also frustration
So dont give up
And dont look down
Look up
And have fun doing it

Thursday, February 25, 2016

hello azan

I havnt woken up at this time for a long time
my heart wakes
I am bored being the old me
checking for any glimmer of care i realise its over
like a relationship where the man says to you
its not you, its me
or where he just leaves
stops sending you messages, or even flowers
and you are still wondering first thing in the morning and last thing at night
just where their feelings for you went 
I twist and turn and remember the rooftop song from messages and think
yeah i love that girls music
I really am cool
I discovered her long before others
and then i hear the azan
now people have discovered its beauty long before me
its opening for opportunity
its chance for change
its door for fogiveness
it meant something to me today
and so i left the old me behind
and woke up


Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Hello year ....

Hello new year
new things
new promises
new ideas
new motivation
even new existence
new hardships
new renewals
new everything
Hello year 29
I am 29
I am young
but I am old
i am here
and i am still not there
I am the one walking
and then running
and breathing
and sweating
and reaching

Hello year 
I am not lost
for i have found you
the life 
the good minutes
the peaceful things 
the soft water
the clean heart
the even cleaner mind
Hello year 
I am here
all those previous birthdays
this is different
for i need this birthday to survive
to change
to develop
to have faith
in Allah
and myself

Hello year
I am here 
with you 

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Tommorow year

I will remember you year with all your respect and pain
All your love and torment
All your drama
Particularly my drama
I will remember the travels
And the money spent
The love given and the tears poured
I will remember the disgust within the torment growing
I will remember it all 
The love and the hardships
The joys and the miseryS
The losses and the lost
The firsts and the lasts
I will remember the lack of faith
The lack of trust
The lack of belief
The lack of dreams
The lack of trying
Will remember it all
Until 57 minutes
Where i will be 29 
And will remember nothing 
And begin a new day
Everything  will be new
Everything will be hard
Everything will be personal
Everything will be earned
Everything will be sweated for
Everything will be advanced
Everything will be mine
For i am a selfish being
Everything will be calm
Will be hppy
Will be all i ever wanted to be all in one
Will be things i never held and the joy i never had
Will be the patience i need 
And the patience i mustseed
Will be the woman within me 
And the woman inside me
That has been locked upwith her beautiful hair dreams islam And long satin  flowing glimmering light blue like the  sky dress
In 51 minutes
All will be well

Dear Dream 2.... What is your reply ?

I am nowhere near you
Call me and im not answering
Hear me and im not listening
Look at me and i wont dare u in the eye back
Tske me competition and i just wont win
I simply dont believe in myself
Love me and ill hate u back
Take me and il runaway
Wont stay
Choose me and i wont choose you

Dear dream
You are thirsty and i am spilling water
You are hungry and im the one eating
You are in conquest battling and trying and i am the one sitting under a tree putting my head between my hands and simply
Dear dream
Will you be like the unreturnable
Hate me enough to stop loving me
Please dont
I have noond but you
Please start with me
For its the last cheesecake
The last bad choice
The last no choice
The last selfish choice
They say
They say
No respect 
They say 
Like a dieseled rope to a match
They say i fire
They say
They say
Like a peacock 
They say
Too sensitive
They say
Not behaved 
They say 
Gonna hate me for life
They will

But i
Will not hate myself
Aand i will not eat my dreams away
And i will not break
And i will not shatter although ive definitely cracked
But one can still see through. A cracked window

Dear dream
Am sorry
Now what is your reply?  

Look at that strain

Sudden u realise how much pain you are causing to someone
U realise how much trauma
How much attitude
You are
You realise all that sensitivity is really a stab for someone else 
You even realise how unfair uve become
How tired ur body is
How tired ur heart is
How mean u are even though u think u arnt you realise 
That ur straining life and love into hate and motion sickness of the future
Of your words
Ur going to have a mean life
If u dont transform when the new moon arises

Bye bye 28

So here you are
On your last day of year 28 in yur life
Definitely with life
With blood and fear
With emotions
With tears
With work with no work 
Here you are
On the last day pf your 28th year
This day 
28 years ago
Mama was tired and emotional and just wanting u to desperately enter this world
She was at the end of her journey to make u and at the start of being there for u 
And now here u are
Just a pointless,,, senseless woman, type
Of a daughter
Of a friend
Of a cousin
Of a wife
Of a lecturer
Of a studyer
Of a believer

If you take all those things
You wonder still why allah hasnt given u the chance to be like ur mama
And now here you are
And gonna start inshallah ur 29th year
Of life
Not like sanaa
She died in year 14 of her life
You just lived her age twice
Now arnt u lucky
A winner of competition
Youve always been a competer
Even with those who have lived Three times the age of your life
Now isnt that just smart of u 
Putting ur small 28 with 78
And trying to deal with her the same way u deal with 58 
And they way u deal with 28 
With u 
Isnt that just clever now
Arnt u just clever
And smart now

Arnt u always hiding
Arnt u always running
Arnt u always apologising
What is an apology
Is it the excuse to say anything u want and then erase later?
Is it the chance to get people to unserstand really how kind u are?
Is it the realisation that u really are sorry?
For what are u sorry?
Being u 
Or being there
Or being here
Or being somewhere in thought that just wasnt right with others

Can u divide and apology? 
Like say im sorry for this but nit sorry for that. 
What if someone realises ur not really sorry u just dont want to lose them
I dont know what i want to lose 
But i do know i want to be alive
But not like these past 28 years

M & A 19- from my, from my emotions, from my drama

He was afraid
Of me
Of my emotions 
Ofmy drama
He was also sick and tired
Of my emotions
Of my drama
And he was trying to save himself 
From me
From my emotions 
From my drama
He was trying to save the night
From me
From my emotions
From my drama
He was considering his options
Of how to get away 
From me
From my emotions
From my drama

Monday, February 22, 2016

the common denominator

I am the common denominator
the one that her thread burns..... so fast
it burns out
and then


I am the common denominator
the one that breaks voice first
you just have to listen to what i say
and you have to listen to who i am
and you have to be on my terms

I am the common denominator
i hate you with avengeance
then everyone must see that
and everyone must learn about it

I am  the common denominator
i will disrespect you if you disrespect me

I am the common denominator
I always find a way to make you listen to what i have to say

i am the common denominator
i am mean

I am the common denominator
and i have heard a lot
dealt with a lot
and am still kind

oh yes
i am still kind

so dont tell me that i dont deserve
and dont tell myself that i dont deserve

to be continued

the writing scheme

is do nothing at work day
except wonder about why i havnt written for so long about all the things I miss , love and need

about all the dreams, and exceptions
about all the drama
and the love
like how i just have a dream
that im not doing anything to control
to hold in my arms like that baby i want

i wonder am I good?
I must write about that
i must write about my intentions and my solitude
the dramas i spin and the arguments that i enter each and every single time

I must write about all the things that make me good at heart and all the things that make me poor
like how i just have no patience
and how i am tempted

and how i am lost
and how i am lazy
and how  i have a voice
yes i have a voice

and hell its loud

but is it worth anything?
am i just a despair of shouting
a bundle of drowning goodness
am i really making my self ill by all those people who think bad of me

sometimes you need to send a message to outer space knowing you wont get a reply
but it helps your coordination

prove to me you have some coordination

I am like beyonce

I slay but am i worth anything?
is someone out there thinking

ooh our hope , she means a lot to us, we miss her, we need her, we understand, we want

i think not


Dear Dream 1 .... pending

Dear dream,
I havnt forgotten you
you have not gone dim or gone dark
you have not changed or been replaced
you have not been reeidted or been devalued

you are still here

Dear Dream,
I want you with all my being
and i am waiting
but i know i must be doing

Dear Dream,
I ask you look for me
and i look for you
i ask you search for me and
i search for you

Dear Dream,
when i shake with bad words
or my body is useless
please be around
dont give up on me

for just like i can be bad
i can be good
i can be kind
i can be excellent
i can be worth it

Dear Dream,
 iam here
find me

M&A 18

Yesterday, I was reminded how I love you so much
How I love being with you
and how you are always there for me and i am always there for you
yesterday i was reminded how you attract me like light to roots
I need you to grow
you attract me like opposite magnets just
unable to be anywhere else but stuck together
you attract me like a flickering light in all darkness
you attract me like that single glance amongst a crowd
you attract me even like a robber is attracted to money
you even attract me like how a president is to their throne
unable to get up from your love

I felt in a fantasy
i still feel in a fantasy
that you are in my world

and i am proud of you and I
I want to tell you that I am proud of who you help me become and i just hope that you are proud being with me

I love dancing when i am with you
alone or together i love dancing for you flick inside me all those tunes harmonising in my cells and reminding me that there is only the tune of love

I love eating with you
for  food tastes like heaven
and each particle makes a story
and each story becomes a memory
of things we love and things ...we dont
its all together
you and I

I love you driving me to work everyday
for its like the mending of day before it starts
and the erasing of bad things before they happen
and its like the immunity against all odd , because we are even

I love you being there for me
when i cry
when i fall
when i need help
when im scared
and when im depressed
thinking that its all over
you remind me its just the beginning to a journey that is nearing our results

with you, i am close to my aims
to my goals
to my kindness, that sometimes flies aways
but your are my wings to collect that kindness again
with you, i am happy, no, i am ecstatic
with you , i am new , and refereshed
like the fresh shower in the morning
or the fresh orange juice in the evening
or the nice walk at mid afternoon

everything is fun with you be continued

maybe in times of atrocity, never in times of volunteer

Dear broken family,

when the sun rises and I appreciate all its glory, all its magnificence
I come to be reminded about the sadness that it helps magnify within me
that underneath that sun there is wars
not the ones between countries or between governments but the ones between homes
homes of families, my family

that war is the most painful
and Allah
gave my family

the type where you snatch everything from the other and run
the type where you pin the other down to suffocate their happiness
the type where you look at the other with an eye of a knife
wanting to kill, yes wanting to kill
the type where you throw to break things at the other including blood
the type where you scream your misery at the other like darts urged to hit their mark
they type where you simply ...
want to hurt the other
want to deny the other your love
want to show them you are better no matter what they do
that type of war
I am living everyday 

I ask the sun to hide our pain
to hide our words
to hide our miseries and our differences
and yet since I am hope and will always be hope 
I ask the sun to shine out our love
to shine out our mercy
and to shine out our understanding
those parts that make us somewhat clipped together by similar genes

for I have to come to feel that the family I can trust is shrinking
like maybe how they will help in times of atrocity
but never in times of volunteer
like how they always have a nasty thing to say

like how orange fizzy drink should not be put on the 4rth floor like so and so
when i break up the words
i wonder
is it jealousy at the end of the day?
is it misunderstanding ?
is it complaining for him or for him?
I dont know
all i know is I am tired
very much so
and I am heartbroken
too much so

for i admit
I cannot show my love to all
and to those who i want to love
 they do not understand my quest
and to those who i need
they are not there for me all the time
in fact they are only angry with me all the time 
only in times of atrocity
never in times of volunteer


Sunday, February 21, 2016

the stolen pennys that are worth family

imagine someone stealing your life
from right underneath you
like the chair you sat on so you fall and fall and fall
or the bag you take to work , so your things spread into the air like butterflies
or the food you eat so youre hungry for trust
or the clean water you drink so your thirsty for understanding

imagine someone stealing your life long smile
and so your blind with sadness
imagine tearing your family open
and questioning all reason
so your heavy with the wrong answers

imagine someone giving you stolen time
so youre empty in the future
working for nothing but a dispersed family
of tragedy and mistakes
and wrong decisions and weak ones

imagine someone not only stealing money, but stealing family
like young kids on the street taken away from their family
only to be reunited years later
will you be reunited?
or will the cut be too great
and the street will tear
and you fall in
all because of a pennys greed

a wrong thought, a negative thought, a whisper of a devil, a shout of a brotherhood
gone tragically wrong


imagine someone killing your dreams
of a happy family
the one you imagined
all together
strong and one

imagine someone eating at your sanity
like a moth to  your clothes
finishing of the lining of respect
for there can be no more family
with wrong decisions

I miss writing
its like medicine
maybe like vitamin C
the push you need to get better
its like trusting your mind after a long battle of a mixed thread
it just untangles


the dream of a family of uncles and grandmother and grandfather , cousins, wives and sons all living all free, all strong, all with me and for me is... dead

the  dream of me making a family filled with honesty and respect , filled with trust of them more than trust for self.... is real and will always be alive and will come true .. i pray for it deeply and maddeningly

to be continued .....

I am primitive

I want to say , I am not the indent of love or the broken of smiles
I am not the voice of loudness or the words of anger
I am not the sense of senseless or the parts of fury
I am not the one they think or the one they know

I am hope, i will always be hope
whether it is maddening or frightening
whether it is controllable or not controllable
I am hope , the good one, the fighter, the believer

the one that makes mistakes, the one that cries after
the one that prays for good and when torn prays for bad
the one that doesnt mean but does mean,
the one whose feelings are raw and sharp

like a blade, like a fist, like a million fists
and the temptation turns into a broken family

considering hellos turn into shouts
and smiles turn into tears
and people turn against me
I fight
i dont give up
for these are my primitive feelings
my sore points
that they touch

with understanding or none
I am here
like an eater, looking for heat from the cold, and comfort from the wind

I make cinnamon rolls
I make red velvet cake
I make lemon drizzle

I am an elegant woman
I dont show it
for I am the primitive one
with the kindest other half

I am the mean half
the tormented half
the stolen half
the mixed in mind half
the one that is lost half

and now i am losing and will lose
whether it s time, patience, love, respect

I have lost and will lose

but i am here
a woman

I am a primitive being
like all my ancerstors
drawing on walls their words
I draw my words with screams

like all my ancestors
holding ornaments they treasure
i treasure my family
my only family
and hold it deep in my heart and soul
deep down

and now here I am
lost and losing
sore and torn
bruised and used

like schoolground children
red eyes they look at me and fingers they hold at me
and throws they blow to my nurture
for i grew up with .... suits and going to work everyday
and money like every penny

not from trees
not from anything but sweat

i grew up knowing and believing in the best
and so i will always know and believe the best

in kindness
in strength
in happiness
in knowledge

and in improvement
and if i regret

it is only that i regret being primitive
but not being me


Wednesday, February 17, 2016

the trigger neighbour ... everything is meant for a reason

You story is unique
you will not be like so and so
or so and so
you will be like you
for its only written for you
it is only your story you can live
so dont have the feelings of a broken woman
be strong
be strong and be available for Allah to love you
dont be the far away muslim who wants things and doesnt do anything to get them
tears wont buy anything
sadness wont make anything
only love and patience will
so be on that stop not the wrong stop
the train will come , even if delayed, even if late,
and if one train is cancelled , the next one will still come
even if you have to wait for the morning to rise
the next train will come
so dont give up and walk away
dont shatter under pressure
dont break into pieces
dont fall apart
you deserve to love yourself and believe in yourself
and want the best for yourself
not the least
dont give up
dont look at others with remorse
dont look at yourself with remorse
have hope
have faith
have trust
have love
have peace of mind
not war of mind
give up the things that pain you
like words and endless words and endless experiences of so many that you dont even know
its just more kilos to take on your shoulders and the broken back will come
stop the madness
stop the  sadness
and remember that you have always prayed
you have always been ehre for Allah to forgive you
and give you
and you have always been a good person
dont just let that go
now when you actually need Allah the most
 he is there for you

he is

The mean gift

Keep strong
know your limits
know your tears
 taste them but dont drown in them
feel them but dont let them burn
wipe them away before they melt you
and you become one of those...
arrogant self centred women who really are kind inside but mean on the outside
like you know who and ...who

you know the translation is I dont give a !"£$ about your party
my translation is : I wish i was there

but things are going to improve
dont break down
like all the cars whos last fun ride was a million years ago
and dont tear apart
like bread broken to feed
untamed and unpolished

and dont give up
and dont be one of those...

thorned women
dont be the blade to cut you open
and unnerve you
you have to keep strong
it will happen
you just have to believe and be patient
and remember that whatever the reason
it will go away one day
so dont give up
and dont lose hope 

Sunday, February 14, 2016

find your balance

where are you>?
the one i K now
the one i used to believe in ?
the one i cared about and the one i understood
where are you... hope
the one i trusted
not to let me down
not to break down
and not to feeel down
where are you?

i tried to find you in the midst of pain and calamity
surrounded by exxagurated stress and applications unknown their benefits
except to confirm madness inside your head
or was it positives and negatives and yess and then noos
or was it to read all peoples dramas and calamities
or was it to remember that you arnt alone
but as always you are always not using things correctly
out of balance
you are out of balance
it is sad
that you have to erase
have to eradicate
have to destroy
for you simply

cannot control yourself it is
how do you expect your body to sync in with balance if your whole mind, soul and body are out of balance

where is your balance
where is your freedom to control and choose the right way
where is your start and your end
where is your happiness
where is your understanding and your patience
where is your trusti n Allah
not the trust where you are on a deadline
but the one where you firmly await his plan

that trust

here you are in Valentines day
do you even love yourself?
do you even care?
how out of touch are you with yourself
with your work
with your true feelings
with your sadness

it is ok to be sad
but it is not ok to be useless
it is ok to feel worry
but it is not ok to become a worried human being
a worried woman
you can see it in your eyes
the lines
the frowns
the despair

doesnt even let you see the good side of things
like how things are starting to pay off
like how you are close
like how you are there
like how you can and you will
like how you are strong
and you are strong
you are hope
and your body is hopeful and you are filled with health
and trust of faith

dont give up now

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Life after Sanaa 8

Hello dear
And goodbye
I wish u well and i wish u my dreams
I wish u my hopes and inside you i wish u my love and my tears
I wish u my goodness and my health
I wish u my adventures and my stories 
I wish u my heartbeats and my positives 
I wish u my strengths and my smiles
I wish u everything well
But i know it can not be by just me
I know it cannot be without allah 
Is it proportional to my kindness
To my ways 
To my prayers
Of course
So all i can give u 
Is my proportions

And my promises
The real ones
It is empty without u
But i will never give up 

Monday, February 8, 2016

i wish ... not to be like her

its sad to hear about other peoples problems
i wish them no pain
and i am afraid of comparisons
but i know none can compare
but life is a mystery
i wish to be heard
i wish to be found
i wish to have
and i always ask what about others
what do they want?
and i make the wrong predictions and think
probably not
but then i hear
probably yes
i wish i was a better person
i hope things are better
i hope my body is strong
i hope it forgives me for all ive done
and that it prepares for life as if its a cleanse
i hope allah helps me and protects me
i hope he heals me
and i hope everything comes true
ya rab make everything come true
for me and for others who want
but ya allah help me
and  please let it all come true
ya rab
ya rab

as for others
the fragrance
the perfume
the beautiful smell
i wish luck
i wish and pray  that she is not suffering
and i wish that becomes in a happier world
i wish i come in a happier world
filled with results that are positive and days that are new and strange
and unique
ya allah
let my days be new and unique

Friday, February 5, 2016

Be positive

Dont be negative 
Be the positive u want to see
Be the patient with a smile
Let your body understand that you are not afraid or worried or angry
You have to be patient
You have to have better eyes
Things will fall apart
You wont know where to look
It will be a misery
And allahwont be there for u with eyes like those
Or times like thiswhere u need him and u are just faar awaay
And yu dont believe in his kindness
Things will always happen and theyll happen to you because ur a good person and allah wants the best for u and the kindest 
And wants happy everything
So be happy
Be positive
And trust allah it will turn out that way 

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -