Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Bye bye 28

So here you are
On your last day of year 28 in yur life
Definitely with life
With blood and fear
With emotions
With tears
With work with no work 
Here you are
On the last day pf your 28th year
This day 
28 years ago
Mama was tired and emotional and just wanting u to desperately enter this world
She was at the end of her journey to make u and at the start of being there for u 
And now here u are
Just a pointless,,, senseless woman, type
Of a daughter
Of a friend
Of a cousin
Of a wife
Of a lecturer
Of a studyer
Of a believer

If you take all those things
You wonder still why allah hasnt given u the chance to be like ur mama
And now here you are
And gonna start inshallah ur 29th year
Of life
Not like sanaa
She died in year 14 of her life
You just lived her age twice
Now arnt u lucky
A winner of competition
Youve always been a competer
Even with those who have lived Three times the age of your life
Now isnt that just smart of u 
Putting ur small 28 with 78
And trying to deal with her the same way u deal with 58 
And they way u deal with 28 
With u 
Isnt that just clever now
Arnt u just clever
And smart now

Arnt u always hiding
Arnt u always running
Arnt u always apologising
What is an apology
Is it the excuse to say anything u want and then erase later?
Is it the chance to get people to unserstand really how kind u are?
Is it the realisation that u really are sorry?
For what are u sorry?
Being u 
Or being there
Or being here
Or being somewhere in thought that just wasnt right with others

Can u divide and apology? 
Like say im sorry for this but nit sorry for that. 
What if someone realises ur not really sorry u just dont want to lose them
I dont know what i want to lose 
But i do know i want to be alive
But not like these past 28 years

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -