Wednesday, June 30, 2010

its not about the price

its not about the price
it was never about the price
It's about the meaning deep inside me and ...
it's about the meaning that people have for you
the true intensity of their love for you
It's about how differently they think to admire your quests
Its not about the price
its about the love to help and the trouble to stop someone from hurting
instead of leaving them bleed
its really about the cost of time
and what you pay to make someone happy
when you know deep inside your heart
that you are not happy
but that does not matter


Sunday, June 27, 2010

I could.....

I could let the world beat me or I could win by extraordinary measures
I could let everything get too hard for me to take
I could see the future as something I cannot make
I could stop believing in all that I can have
I could stop believing in what God can give me
I could cry and not defy all odds
I could waste my time and pass the time for others to play
I could see everything wrong
I could feel guilt and pain and startfeeling the corners of life tightening
I could wake up i nthe morning late and drag the day into tomorow
I could spend the days useless
I could stop training to get in to heaven
I could breathe in anger instead of air
I could let my eyes seep into tears
I could give my eyes so the devil can see, through me
I could let my soul infest with misery and fury
I could let that same soul break into pieces with growing despair
I could sit by and watch my hands itch with lack of commitment
I could make the days so long with empty hours and short of power
I could take everything to waste
I could show weakness to its best
I could fail Gods test
I could try to forget that God is watching
I could trick myself to thinking that I am good
I could put my back to this faith

and in return faith will give its back to me

in return the world will give its back to me

can u just answer this last question?

So what is it ?

What is it that I'm trying to cry for
or beg for
or live this way for?

have I sinned this much to fall this deep
have I torn my roots so far I can't remember where I came from?
have I broken the rules so quick I've ran my heart down
have I shaken my good so empty I no longer hold any good quality?

these are tremendous questions
I feel broken and outspoken
I feel undecided and unrequited

have the doors been closed upon me?
have the angels left me alone?
have my goals been set to be stopped?
if I try and try and try to break barriers
will one day I breakthrough>?

or will it be unfaithful defeat
could it be I am on the path for a massive beat
one that I can never overcome
you were given a chance to play but you gave it to others
you were given a time to prove but you left yourself run out
you were given so many chances to hit target but it always faltered

So what is it?

where has it all gone wrong?


why have I left myself fail like this?

midnight devil

midnight devils come my way
they watch me spin they watch me stray
inviting themselves to watch my fall
they take my happinness, they take it all

staring into my privacy was a devils piracy

midnight devils , he came through the window
my response was shallow
I just let him wander into my space
without a trace
he took my things
he didnt leave anything

it was dark, it felt right
midnight devils blinded my sight
in my own apartment I couldnt fight
i just let them choke my lungs tight

at the time I was afraid
so I shook hands and a pact was made
instead of asking God for aid
for pleasure my conscience paid

fair trade>?

Never, have I tried to love myself

Broken by myself

I feel tormented as each cell inside me breaks into pieces unable to stay solid beyond the secrets of time

their thudders blast onto the floor of heartless memories, stories shattering the intensity of my strength into useless comedy

I suddenly cannot control how many breaks or when they happen

I cannot control the pain or the sharpness of my restlessness

I cannot control how many mistakes I do or why I do them

and worse

I cannot control my conscience
I cannot control my conscience
Do you know what that means?

it means living as if your life is a waste of cruelty

it means letting everything you own inside and out --- out
it means hearing silence everytime you try to think, or breathe.. or scream

broken by myself

I hide the intentions of misery

I try and stay alone

I want to take it all on my shoulders

isnt that breaking?

what will be the result?
will I be this weak all the time
will i never find the solution
will I ever know what to do

how can I be calm?

No really....

How can I be calm

How can I wake up in the morning encircling myself with todays beautiful rythym i have created

walking around in particles of sunshine warming my feelings into a refreshing day

eating and drinking to revive those cells to survive happily

trusting the nourshment i give for I want to give delight to myself

working for the nation of my mind , improving the quality of anything I can be

not what someone wants me to be
or begs me to do
or keeps asking me everyday for they can see that I am not ...working

sleeping to break barriers and enter harmony
knowing that me and my soul are connected no matter where I go

no matter where I close my eyes
when I sleep
I wish I knew that my soul 'wants ' to come back
for I have favored it above anything in this world
and in doing that I have given it to faith

my soul 'has ' to come back
that is the way I am breaking myself
no relationship of anything will live forever

I try and blame it on others
I try and place the anger on others
I try and hide from others
Ive never tried to confront myself
Ive never tried to love myself
Always looking for it
begging for it
breaking myself for it




have I tried to love myself

Sunday, June 13, 2010

going tomorow

So its like I suddenly get lost in the wild
all the commotion that I drove to get hunted
comes back to hunt
I'm eaten & biten
my fears rage inside me
my tears grow alive kicking and screaming
pulled by the enemy
I add more honey ....
to the pain

evidence comes crashing
and all I can think of is the athma in my heart
and the break in my soul
leaking all
leaking all

bleeding for life, the forest of this lifestyle is cold
for I no longer ask for help
I no longer trust in god
I no longer wake for faith

so I get scratched
slashed by all these useless thoughts
that I once fought
now fight me...
now hit me
with frozen despair
and agonising waste of time

I time... myself
over hours... that look like sour power over a film of forever drama
forver saga - I read and read and read
and read

and read

words I cannot see
I try to be????

what do I try to be
what am I trying to achieve...
who am I trying to become/?
if I met someone... what do I want them to see??
in me>>>

I dont want to copy
I dont want to trade.... my intensity for impatience

I don't want to die a failure
I've never thought about it like that before

I mean...
everyday goes by
like every day

when it should be

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A true album_ Maher Zain, Thank u Allah

This is a new introduction to beautiful, lively, modern, inventive, attractive and purely faithful music. maher zain has a strong romantic voice and wonderful guitar and hard to forget tunes - he gives so much inspiration to be a better muslim and to love Islam for the truly magical religion it is

this album is rewarding to listen to and powers the history and the future of Islam

Here are just some of the spilling lyrics with exceptional meaning, but to fully convey this message of beautiful Islam , I invite you to listen to the album which is a mixture of arabic, english & even Urdu language.
' Is Allah satisfied' ??

We are questioned - is allah satisfied by the way we live our lives or are we under estimating our faults and ignorance living in a world of luxuries and temptations, being narrow minded and weak to look deep inside ourselves - how small are we , compared to allah's praise and powerful glory

'As I travel through the earth I cant help but notice the symphony I hear all around '

..... ........

there is then a delicate growing description of gods nature and creations on earth, how all from small to big pray for allah's forgiveness and revolve around his amazement

'If you ask me about love and what i know , my answer would be its everything about allah - '

one of my favourite songs is called the chosen one _ about Prophet Mohammed

' you are the best of mankind'

I wish I could write the feelings of this song but one needs to listen and dream realistically about the deep velvet running in our core love, everyone should have for our precious Prophet

the album does not forget everlasting passion & romance between man & wife ribboning it into this satin faith -

' I know it deep in my heart
I feel so blessed when i think of you
and I ask allah to bless all we do
you're my life and my friend and my strength
and i pray we're together in jannah'

Monday, June 7, 2010

mondays fast

New light

You find out a secert that really is out there for all to see
but you did not look up or down or around
finding the corners of life pick you up from tarnished and evolutioned people
I took the creation of their imagination and my heart contained all the refuge of time
everythnig seemed worthwhile, writing about love and passion and god's intentions
I feel blessed i think this way but it is also a sin - to commit all these dreams
To create all these scenes...

it suddenly dawned on me that I am in love with the skies and the seas, - I am in love with the stars and the moon even if its hidden in africa or the sun that heats even if I cant feel it here -
I'm in love with gods armor and grandor

Friday, June 4, 2010

poems about a stranger only close in heaven

'because you're something I never had

your'e something I want to lose

something that I got to have

there's nothing for me to choose'

You no longer need no correction

for you are perfection

I fear to adore you

for my mind can't control you

and my thoughts revolve around you

I write about you

cuz my heart is beating

and my faith is defeating

the bad in you

I pursue in you....


near & far

ground & star

like never before

I'm lovin to the core

'the things that you show me

the way that you console me'

just by reading your eyes

just by hearing your cries

through a screen

I mean

I dream....

the past is tragic

yet I use it for magic

similiar to classic ... introduction of madness

I words fail to express me

I cant stop me

you are right

but I cannot fight

your music is contagious

your smiles are explorations into the deepest of bleeding.... feelings

true stealings - I knew I wanted you first moment I saw you

someone whos always there

someone to fulfill my dreams

did you write all that?

To the man that you see in the flesh

your steps so fresh

'I promise you,

I could never be like the rest'

and i could never think of you like the rest

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -