Wednesday, December 26, 2012

how many years have passed?

A jolt of madness sends me astray pushing everyone to the extreme I am blown away
with my courage or is lack think before I speak
lost in the extravagence of the moment i Forget the pain after a while
when young comers come to visit filled with beauty and sad but wonderful memories bringing them to a time of fantastic collection of truth, honesty, joy, love, faith, understanding, respect, everything
I am not
the words escape me and i dont see wahts wrong in them for I am just so mad , so mad at feeling so bad
and so weak and so useless and lifeless i have to prove a point - i have to prove a point that I am better that I am stronger thoughtful and that everyone should listen to me that what I say should go and what I say should stay for I am best
I am terrible
really I want to be a charachter like magic riding along life everything I say means something
now everything i say means nothing
really I want to be her - that woman who has


c for collection
h for heart that is her secret
a for alive with faith
r for respect
i for intimacy
s for safety
m for mesmerising
a for amel, amel

tell me what it takes to stop regretting stop becoming another one
tell me waht it takes to stop hurting yourself and other people
tell me what it takes to know youre the one
tell me waht it takes to give love to the one above
the one who gave you love
ad shared life wit hyou for he chose you as one of his
and you could have been somewhere else
and someone else
doing nothing else but liviing a lie

tell me
how many years have passed?

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I dont feel like writing

I dont feel like writing
probably because during inspiration hours  I am sleeping
angry to wake up and try to find love
I dont feel like writing because I am wrong
and I am not strong
I have nothing to write about
I hate all these noises and thoughts near me
i feel ugly and like a fake
too big to fit into my dreams
and I cant seem to make my dreams fit me
i dont feel like writing
my dreams seem to have melted
I close my eyes so hard and still the edges of the dream
are grey and the centre is all fuzzy and the sound is mute
like a broken cinema
I cant see the wonderful film I created no more
no matter how hard i try to fix it
all i see is messy lines on the screen
I dont feel like writing
i dont feel like writing at all
I dont know how to write or what to write
about my fears?
about my questions?
about my jealousy?
my terrible jealousy?
about my anger?
that im always trying to hide
I feel like im split in two
one the one who no one knows about
the other the one that everyone knows about
yet no one seems to understand

Saturday, December 15, 2012

to give her or not to give her.....?

 A shot of dreams
I fall to the core
shattered in pieces
life becomes death
sond becomes still
I will
never hear again
or see again
or feel again
the way I felt
just a second ago
for its too late
to change anything
the finality is here
as I crash
as I forget
as I close my eyes
as I become senseless
as I give up
street lights
fun life
desire scents

I ask myself all that didnt matter
except your faith
why did you give up your faith
your prayers
your questions
and your dreams
why did you let them turn against you
until they shot you down

faith should have been priority
here or there
or anywhere you go
do not worry where you foot is in life
worry about
dreams that will shoot you because you didnt protect yourself with faith
your prayers
remember those?
arnt they all the same plane

lose one
shot of dreams
with bleeding into internal despair
and external sorrow
seeping into yourwounds
until it all darkens
and you find yourself

its never too late to be happy
its never too late to ask yourself
how strong are you
and show yourself
what it is it
that you can really do?

Saturday, December 8, 2012

should have got a license

sad that i cant wake up on time
sadder that i dont care
sad that i feel so large
with deep thoughts of despair
can I really be the one I dream
or Will i be trapped in a dream
until all passes me like fantastic races
and  I pretend im happy in their faces
I dont know sometimes I feel so mad
at myself and who i am
and sometimes im stronger than the best
because i put myself to the test
to never give up
and to always remember God forgives
and God gives
what you desire and need
but all in the right time
and its not the time

lost in drama of dancing and well done biscuits
tender and just right perfect to the taste
perfect to the touch
like me
I want to be perfect
or at least try
nearly the end of the year
so many years ive been trying
and now im still trying
I hope next year
I find all I want
faith family, friends,
wealth and happinness
love I hope i find love
or rather I hope it finds me
but most of all I hope
I hope that im always hopeful and that i dont resist to sadness

Thursday, December 6, 2012

are you ever to be... intoxicating 2?

 I want to be intoxicating for you
lost in your arms and your eyes to see
I want to be feel that im sensual and iresistable
for you
I want to be intoxicating to the touch
soft to touch like the softest mark there is
I want to be delicious to smell
like a powerful sweet aroma that makes you want to lose control
 I want to be intoxicating to have
like having me is all you desire
for we mend each otehr
and we blend with one another
perfectly to make the right colour
i want to be intoxicating to watch
bringing good things to all that come
I want to have that night more than anthing in the world
maybe in the same place who knows
and if it is
God knows I will look that the place I sat in and
remember the girl who wanted to be intoxicating and
became one

are you ever to be .....intoxicating?

I have a dream that I saw today
although I knew I could do better one day
floating queen I dream and see
her colour of navy or a turquiose sea
maybe pearls maybe jewels
but I see a crown glorious to the eye
dazzling with love I dare to try.....
become her

detailed flowers or is it diamonds
I dont know what style is nicer but i drream of it all
although I feel stupid
I feel weak
like jasmine
except shes already given up
I continue to fight
fight for who I am
for who I wnat
for what i want
it annoys me when people mess with my heart
it fears me when I mess iwth my heart

my heart is like my dream
colours of all wavelengths
I dream to exist
royal navy but with a cape
yes colourless
a dress with wood for example
or a dress with metal
or ivory
or leather or pearls
people have to describe for a long time
what they saw

her body was amazing
her body was beautiful
her dancing was amazing
she was .............intoxicating


Monday, December 3, 2012

its that easy

so why are you worried
its that simple
so why are you troubled
its that perfect
so why are you afraid
is it that uncomplicated
that an engagement is made

God is beautiful and he loves beauty
ask yourself are you filled with destiny
wide enough to hold your dreams
and long enough to fit your desire
and bold enough to shine against your enemies
the devil and one

God is amazing and he wrote your way
then why cant you see youwere meant to be this way
try and try harder again
but never forget hating yoruself is a sin

God will whisk you away
you have forgotten that
into a time of true love more than you ever asked for
he is what you tihnk of him
so what is it that yo uthink of him

what have you forgotten
and what have you remembered
and what have you asked and prayed for
Never forget what you prayed for
because you must know he hasnt forgotten it
and he never will

God is yours
and you are his
no one and nothing can come in between
dont let anything make you cry or feel
that God is foreign
no he is closer than your breath and your soul and your heart
dont ever forget that


Sunday, December 2, 2012


By visions of dirt around babies and people who have to buy life
like life was given at a price
God gave it for free
By visions of high speed trains that fly
fly by
country side boring but happy
fly by cities clean but busy
fly fly by
for forever I dont know
for today
Broken how I wish I could drag it all here
how I could just make it all come here
for we deserve high speed trains
and we deserve to have peace
and freedom
and healthy people
and faith that means something
not just nothing
here faith doesnt mean anything

today someone said to me
I know how to get it back from you
what you owe me
5 pounds is what i owned him
I gave him 20 but he wanted 25
but he deserved 20
I tihnk im sure

but what do I deserve
ive been praying my wohle life
and ive been hope my whole time
I dont deserve to have that kind of debt

on me
everyone asked
did you not agree?
I dont know

all I know is
I have a huge debt on me
like the debt my country has to pay to its people

its a huge price to pay
just like my lifestyle
just like my entry and slot here in my home

I tihnk it closed a long time ago
right now

I am homeless


an invisible dream

I wish I could find the way
to you
I wish I was on the right road
to you
all my life Ive been trying to find
all my time I spend thinking about
the lost diamond so far away
I have come to find you
here in the desert
here in the wilderness
here in the heat and inthe disaster
that is my home
I am here looking
for you
I am here searching amongst forests
looking at the starts at night
wondering are you looking at them too
I wonder
how long can I perservere

Saturday, December 1, 2012

regret is unprofessional 1

Go and dont be afraid
this is what you wished for
like fame and fortune
like the richest man in the world
the one who has true faith
you have to dive in this heat
you have to smile even if you want to scream
at the horror of how terrible humans can be
you have to open your eyes even if you want to close them
you have to try harder and not just try
you have to start each day with a positive mind
even if its all wrong
and this
this is what patience means
and prayer this is what prayer means
and this is what faith involves
to give your heart to god
so he will give it back to you safe and proud

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -