Sunday, January 27, 2013

I hope that I go to see that flower bloom

I never knew what you wanted for me, until you gave it to me
I as k you always control me and change me for the woman I am supposed to become
stronger, better , one who opens her window and see frost of white
like snow white she turns into the beautiful queen
one that can buy cofee to go and open email as she walks
one that has prestige perfum nothing like the beginning
one that wears fresh crisp white and has a navy soul
that is too sexy to be bright but to good to be black
I want to be that woman that he strives for
not I strive for and beg and demand
I want to be caught and I want to be pursued
like a new bank account and a dary grey car
I want to have technology at my feet to help
and to be helped by the place I never imagined I would go
and now suddenly when you open the door for me
I am dying to go, I want to see what life has out there for me
so so far away, in time and space and land and thoughts
i want to amaze myself before others and I want to be the butterfly
after the caterpillar years, i want to love and be loved
but I want the truth and honest opinion , I want to be saved
by you my God , for I have totally forgotten you
I want to freeze in your arms praying for you all night
and working in the morning to be the best that i can
let me be the only one to give that best opinion about us
I have to be ready, I have to start now

Ya Rab , let me go
please let me go
i beg only you to let me go
I ask only you to save me from the place just 5 months ago I was wanting to come to
I am happy i am here
but I know now this is not where I can be
even if I want it
and I realise now
thatt im not like jasmine or even blessing
i am like me , hope
i hope for better days that i cannot see
i hope for brighter future that do not shine
I hope for cleaner streets taht do not beam
i hope for stronger safety that does not show
I hope and I hope
and I hope thaat this is not my only potential
and I hope that I make my own life
and I hope that I go
I hope that I go to see that flower bloom

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

all I ever wanted...what god wants for me

Dont fall even though you want to
Dont give up God gave yo uthis chance maybe its yours maybe its not
but dont give up to try
try always try now
try try try
jobs and weddings may come in right
its never a coincidence that you go tonight
or tommorow
or get asked to fly
fly high
fly fly to another continent
even another time
it may happen
nothing is impossible
except believing
except knowing you are the one
to have it
within your hands
within your time
dont give up
dont let someone hold the power to make you sad
or to make you happy
but this is a happy moment
i hope it happens
all i ever wanted
what god wants for me

Sunday, January 20, 2013

memories to the wind

we used to pass the palace guards and shout INTIBBAAH!
it was so much fun
like they were happy to give us a salute
kids in the family would do anything to do it
and were so proud as they entered khartoum
believing they were in control

never again
that dream is to be never again
for the street is closed now
and life has changed
who would have thought there is would be a new road so small so
so far away from history
i wonder will i speak to it to my children
we used to ......
they wont understand
they wont imagine how it used to be
just like I cant imagine how I wished it would be

I spray ice cool cologne
I try hard to remember
but its memories to the wind
to the sky
I wish the sky could take me to them
I wish the sky could let me live there
turn into one of them
become one of them
never leave
jsut forget the world
forget my life
and step in to theirs

their scent
their morning
their tea
their Quran
their laundry
their backyard
their peace
their love
their happiness

I cant
its blocked with my mistakes
my guilt and
my problems
its blocked with me
my weakensses
my trepidations
my angers

I get so angry
just thinking about me me
never her he them
just me
its really heartbreaking
to live near someone
so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so
it drives me crazy
it turns me hot
a loud voice and immaturity
I cant stop
even though each time I try
i really try but I cant
I hope she goes to saudi
and never comes back
I hope shes happy
i hope shes young and healthy for as long as she can be
i hope shes smart
I hope shes strong
I hope shes never like me
I hope she doesnt regret ...
all I want her is to be happy
is to be in love
is to be safe
I want her to be safe

Ya allah
Ya Rab



Jealousy combats me
I cant breathe
I try and eat
its doesnt taste the same
I try and smile
its only upside down
 I cant imagine
no more
except the kindness
and brilliancy of goodness
except the amazing cleanliness of life
that could be
but is not with me
I try and love
but my heart is too dirty
I try and think
but my mind is too busy
with nothing

I try and know the right thing
but I cannot do it
I want to stay
I want to stay and be someone im not
maybe ill never be
so why then should i try?
I try and hope
hope for the best
hope for forgiveness
hope to forget
hope for others to forget
I try and understand
what is wrong with me
what is broken
is it that im alone?
is it that my dream is not real
or is it that i have no patience for it to become real
or is it madness
or is it stupiditiy
or is it laziness/////
all I know is
I am unhappy
from deep inside
and today escpecially
i feel false and tremendously filled with lies


broken like never before

Broken... start of the year and im broken
like a beautiful vase, like a crystal glass
smashed to the floor
all the little pieces that were once me
that made the complete me
that shone around me when light was there
on the floor ....lifeless
Broken limited from beauty
from patience
I cant see what I could have been
what i could have bought
what i could have spoken what i Could have
made and made people htink
im broken deep deep down
like never before
because I broke down
all my walls
al lmy life again
all my time again
all my power

im just a shadow of a life
i live a shadow
because the real family i want to be
are nothing like me
and I am nothing like thme
i live to be dead i think
I feel dead
i feel dirt around me
i feel silence
i feel loneliness
like never before
the first time
i have to say this is the first time
i am changing
i can feel it
i know it
I am becoming

its true
hope is hopeless
even the closest said that
even the best said it
even the people who wanted me
who needed me
who tried me
will change theirmind
I feel

broken like never before

Saturday, January 12, 2013

wicked girl ....LEAVE

wicked girl come tell me your secret
why you hold on to me even though i have all these gates
and locks and alarm bells for intruders
like you ...
wicked girl how did you enter into my soul
and now you control it and i continue to fall
listening to you
thinking about your wrong right things
you hypnotise me to do the wrong thing
making me think its the perfect thing
wicked girl
you want to walk and disrespect
you want to run before he sees her
you want to be the first and noone else can become like you
wicked girl you always talk
you always imagine you should deserve better than the rest
wicked girl how did you come
i threw you away a long time ago
and now you ganged up on me and i cant get rid of you
i hate you
you turn me into a lifeless creature
one who denies years of motherhood
one who forgets or worse neglects - prayers
one who changes into a beast
all because you make me selfish
and angry
im always so angry
at myself
at others, having things i want
so im jealous
oh wicked girl why do you feed me with all this jealousy
i didnt as kfor that plate
you made me eat it
and now im always jealous
and a copy cat
for the simplest things
 i feel terrible al the itme
like i cant imagine anymore
like i have to merge myself with others to survive
because you took my perosnality and my identity
wicked girl
a parasite you need me but i dont need you i dont need you
wicked girl i demand you to leave
i demand you to leave

JuSt SHut uP!

I yearn to break free.
from my limited heartbreak to unlimited glee
I yearn to turn strong
soaring to the sky because I am young
and full of God
full of reason to believe
I yearn to think unique.
like no one has ever done and like noone has ever thought
I yearn to live once
not in a dream, not in a fantasy
not in a melody of a sweet tune
I yearn to be respected
by myself
 Iyearn to be healthy
aaa healthy
like the wind in summer
or like dawn in december
or like fresh azans
or like grapefruit and oranges
no calories
I yearn to be clean
and do the right thing
or do the wrong thing and never do it again
i yearn to stop tlaking before someone tells me to
 I yearn to be in love
but sometimes i understand why im so far away from
that day
so immature
so out of reasoning
so out of questioning
just ocntinously thinking and tihnking and thinking and
its maddening
my mind
wont breathe
wont rest
wont eat
even though i eat more than anyone
my mind is always stariving always
wanting and wanting and wanting
my mind
wont see wont hear wont be
just screaming like a baby for one thing
and im tired
im so tired
i can feel it in my back
in my chest
in my heart
its aching all the time
its beating less all the time
even though i want love
and I want to be empty when it comes
I f eel like im consuming so much energy to keep shining
even though it really needs a prayer
at hte right time
its like inflation has hit me
i have to consume and pay so much more htan i can afford
i have to use so much of my time my mind my energy my

my dreams
i feel like theyre getting old
not because of time
but because i cant refresh them
i cant edit them or
change them
even though they
need desperate changing

im tired
im becoming useless
to God
what matters a muslim if they are not believing
if they are not waking
if they are not i ntouch with the one that can makei t all right
whats thepoint
in living
for its really like dying
when you are without god

im exhausted
even though ive slept so much
im at a loss
as to what i want
i want so much
that i can have all
and yet i feel like i have nothing

Saturday, January 5, 2013

A prayer for prayer

I pray , I pray for you young girl
to wake up and be healthy again
for I couldnt stand losing you
or even a part of you and then
and then ...what would you feel when you woke up
without the most important part of you as a woman
imagining you were so close and then lost it all
 Iwould die for you a million times
I would scream in pain more than you
i would fail to survive
I pray I pray for you young girl
I pray you are healthy and alive
I pray you have many children more
I pray you are happy and strong
I pray you dont die
thats living but dying each and every day more and more inside
I pray you are ok
for whatever happens to you will make me or break me
I pray you are fine
and I pray you have a child that you call mine
I pray you never lose your one year beginning
and I pray your half is your completeness
I pray he stands by you and that he is your all
 I hope you get up
I pray I pray for you young girl
I pray for you .....

Ya Rab help her ...........after all her name is a prayer
and I pray a million prayers for her

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -