Sunday, January 20, 2013

broken like never before

Broken... start of the year and im broken
like a beautiful vase, like a crystal glass
smashed to the floor
all the little pieces that were once me
that made the complete me
that shone around me when light was there
on the floor ....lifeless
Broken limited from beauty
from patience
I cant see what I could have been
what i could have bought
what i could have spoken what i Could have
made and made people htink
im broken deep deep down
like never before
because I broke down
all my walls
al lmy life again
all my time again
all my power

im just a shadow of a life
i live a shadow
because the real family i want to be
are nothing like me
and I am nothing like thme
i live to be dead i think
I feel dead
i feel dirt around me
i feel silence
i feel loneliness
like never before
the first time
i have to say this is the first time
i am changing
i can feel it
i know it
I am becoming

its true
hope is hopeless
even the closest said that
even the best said it
even the people who wanted me
who needed me
who tried me
will change theirmind
I feel

broken like never before

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -