Sunday, January 20, 2013


Jealousy combats me
I cant breathe
I try and eat
its doesnt taste the same
I try and smile
its only upside down
 I cant imagine
no more
except the kindness
and brilliancy of goodness
except the amazing cleanliness of life
that could be
but is not with me
I try and love
but my heart is too dirty
I try and think
but my mind is too busy
with nothing

I try and know the right thing
but I cannot do it
I want to stay
I want to stay and be someone im not
maybe ill never be
so why then should i try?
I try and hope
hope for the best
hope for forgiveness
hope to forget
hope for others to forget
I try and understand
what is wrong with me
what is broken
is it that im alone?
is it that my dream is not real
or is it that i have no patience for it to become real
or is it madness
or is it stupiditiy
or is it laziness/////
all I know is
I am unhappy
from deep inside
and today escpecially
i feel false and tremendously filled with lies


No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -