unhappy

Jealousy combats me
I cant breathe
I try and eat
its doesnt taste the same
I try and smile
its only upside down
 I cant imagine
no more
except the kindness
and brilliancy of goodness
except the amazing cleanliness of life
that could be
but is not with me
I try and love
but my heart is too dirty
I try and think
but my mind is too busy
with nothing

I try and know the right thing
but I cannot do it
I want to stay
I want to stay and be someone im not
maybe ill never be
so why then should i try?
I try and hope
hope for the best
hope for forgiveness
hope to forget
hope for others to forget
I try and understand
what is wrong with me
what is broken
is it that im alone?
is it that my dream is not real
or is it that i have no patience for it to become real
or is it madness
or is it stupiditiy
or is it laziness/////
all I know is
I am unhappy
from deep inside
and today escpecially
i feel false and tremendously filled with lies