Sunday, January 20, 2013

memories to the wind

we used to pass the palace guards and shout INTIBBAAH!
it was so much fun
like they were happy to give us a salute
kids in the family would do anything to do it
and were so proud as they entered khartoum
believing they were in control

never again
that dream is to be never again
for the street is closed now
and life has changed
who would have thought there is would be a new road so small so
so far away from history
i wonder will i speak to it to my children
we used to ......
they wont understand
they wont imagine how it used to be
just like I cant imagine how I wished it would be

I spray ice cool cologne
I try hard to remember
but its memories to the wind
to the sky
I wish the sky could take me to them
I wish the sky could let me live there
turn into one of them
become one of them
never leave
jsut forget the world
forget my life
and step in to theirs

their scent
their morning
their tea
their Quran
their laundry
their backyard
their peace
their love
their happiness

I cant
its blocked with my mistakes
my guilt and
my problems
its blocked with me
my weakensses
my trepidations
my angers

I get so angry
just thinking about me me
never her he them
just me
its really heartbreaking
to live near someone
so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so
it drives me crazy
it turns me hot
a loud voice and immaturity
I cant stop
even though each time I try
i really try but I cant
I hope she goes to saudi
and never comes back
I hope shes happy
i hope shes young and healthy for as long as she can be
i hope shes smart
I hope shes strong
I hope shes never like me
I hope she doesnt regret ...
all I want her is to be happy
is to be in love
is to be safe
I want her to be safe

Ya allah
Ya Rab


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -