Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Stem cells for morning

There's no one round here as lucky as me in this moment in time
I ponder on my existence and remember how simply... lucky I am
for is Tuesday morning and my office even if temporary, even if for a day is beginning to look like elegance
and fact is
this is my first office and I will treasure it
even if for a day, even if for a week, even if for a year
I ask myself fighting in the morning is a real battle
but azera in a lip cup is a nice difference
and a good man is a great difference
but here I am ... oblivious to the fact
mornings are a nightmare

and then the worry kicks in
ohh dear

stem cells
I wish I could plant new stem cells in my mind to help me wake up t 6 each morning and do yoga and be nice

Friday, December 25, 2015

That cream smell...

I love the silence
I love how theres no one here
I love the quiet of the madness and i love me soaking in the haven of a peaceful home
I love the attitude of a healing place
The solitude that it collects from our misery in order to try build itself
I love the shaking of flowers
And brightness of just before dark
I love existing
I love existing here
I dont think i ever saw her cry
No i never saw her cry
I mever saw tears run down her face
I only saw smiles
I only saw now what i never saw then
I miss myself 
I miss myself
I miss the innocence the kindness
The woman i want and need to be imiss the strength
The good troubles
I miss sitting down enjoying the good weather
I miss this really great weather
I miss the pain of being right
And the strength of holding in whats wrong
I miss trying
I miss trying my best
I miss living for me and living for us andliving  for things that are wonderful
Like a good life one that youve worked hard for
Ive been sort of dead whilst living

Life after sanaa 7

Its strange how simple things can make u grieve and other simple things can make u happy
Like remembering how another sanaa danced on her wedding day her lifer hers and her name yours and i thought that day i hope to see u in her place and that will never come true
And it saddens me thus everytime i go to a wedding that ur name isnt around to wed
And yet my heart smiles at the joy of a friday sweet afternoon the peace of the house on a background of tv playing and the yards queitly humming to missing u the plants swaying and the air breathing hello to a new day 
And here i am on christmas day having had a good meal and a good cup of tea with good health and mind and family and tv watching coraline
Feeling happy
Really happy
That my life is jealously perfect 

Tuesday, December 22, 2015


“Have you ever heard the wonderful silence just before the dawn? Or the quiet and calm just as a storm ends? Or perhaps you know the silence when you haven’t the answer to a question you’ve been asked, or the hush of a country road at night, or the expectant pause of a room full of people when someone is just about to speak, or, most beautiful of all, the moment after the door closes and you’re alone in the whole house? Each one is different, you know, and all very beautiful if you listen carefully.”
― Norton Juster,

What about the noise after someone close to you like a young 14 year old girl dies , and inside yu ask yourself is it true? what did her face look like again? what were her last words to me, her last touch, her last thoughts of me>? did she like me/? as a person, as a sister? as a friend>? or just someone she used to know....

now will never know ...and that is a silence true

what about the silence inside you that you cannot make go away its so loud
you cant stop turning with the mess here and there and everywhere
like a collection of breaking glass or is it a whilwind of mistrust between you and you
what about that silence that nothing has been done and nothing has been fixed and nothing has been created and nothing has been understood

what about that silence when you think what is the other person thinking of me and badly you know exactly what it is  its loud their silence and hteir unspoken words
and theire true their loud unspoken words
of you

yadooob garat!!!

i hate the words that come ut of me sometimes a sequestrum of my laziness
a fragment of my broken soul
a kite of my lost freedom
for i really am locked up somewhere

what about the silence when they tell you.... sorry you didnt pass , or it was just a pass
what about hte silence when its negative
what about the silence when you just dont know what to do and who you are anymore

what about all that negative silence ?

Good song ...

strangely .. i have no idea what song i wrote this for ...

remains to be a mystery

Love the feeling when you catch up on a good song
but life isnt always fulfilled you forget
that someone is asking for your help
telling you and telling you that they need you
and what do you do
pretend its ok
pretend its nothing
until it blows up

its a really good feeling to hear a song that you just heard for the second time
every one of us hears a song for the first time

but I also forget people that need me and care about me
cuz of my unfair laziness

I used to be lazy
now im lazy and mean
and unproven
im stuck

its a really nice feeling when you click on a song you know it will be good
remind you of a city lighted and a video on Mtv while life creates new memories
the cold breathing around you and yet you are heated to the core through....with faith
and entity
a song that compares strength with that romantic sensuality
elegance but sexiness at the same time
movement in rythym like walking without falling
spells of music make you fall into place

but you forget someone
somehow that is more important
you forget a lot of things
and thus your realm is weak
ready to falll apart
ready to break open
and flood with badness

lets face it.............you are a bad woman


Ive come to a decision
that things have got to change
I'm sick of being the same
sick of being wrong
so tired of thinking of other peoples mistakes
and making myself feel that im better than them
L'm not - im just as worse
in my own way
and im aching
in body and mind

im aching
deep within my soul
straight through my system
far out of my mind

like brazils 7
am so out of reach
unsustainable with strength
and utter weakness and madness becomes me
 breaking within life
the show must go on
but im losing every minute

every second hurts
every second am out of control
and its all my fault

or dont want to be prepared
feeling mad at myself for doing this

suddenly 109
Suddenly stuck
suddenly gorging with misery that i just cant get lower
suddenly being told what to do instead of asking what to do
suddenl so dehydrated i can feel it in my veins
suddenly thinking about will it when it
suddenly tormeted by grief at the loss of sanaa
and yet tormeted more at the thought i didnt do enough for her pray for her ask for her
be wit her have a sister relationship with her
tormented at things i didnt do couldnt do cant do wont do
tormented at being who i am

hi there.. who are yOU?

Being a bitch
Being lazy
being a pain o others and myself
being like a fist
being sore to my soul
being lost
being weak
being dehydtrated
being unhealthy
being a liar
being undevoted
being stupid
being lost for words
being abused by me
being tremendously undetermined
being underappreciated
being lost for concentration
being not the woman i used to be or ever the woman i want to be or ever the kind of person i saw myself becoming 

Saturday, December 19, 2015

if she was bored..then what am I.?....

She said that she was bored
im bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
she said
at the start of the end of her life
she said it so many times
and then when he came
that man she saw whom no one else saw
she was stunned
i could see it in her voice and feel it in my heart
maybe she was a bit scared but i think she knew
but just as i had feared
her sound her voice her words her mind pulled me far from the girl i used to know
for she wasn't the girl i used to know
filled with life
no Allah
chose for her to be with no life and to find something else for her
some thing more beautiful

she had entered into the afterlife already looking into the space where you and i may not see anything
but she saw something else
something else
something else
something else
something else
something else
something else
I think she saw what she was seeing and knew what it meant although she was young she was a brave girl and she saw what she was meant to have see

and now here I am still not seeing it
what I'm meant to see

the life that Allah gave me
the hopes that I have and the promises that I can make
the trivials that i can win
and the smartness that i can reach
the life that i do have
the life that Allah gave to me
to use
to love
to have
to want
to understand
to believe
to enjoy

that is what i cannot see
all that beauty
and I come here
feeling unhappy
bu then i think about it
and I being to remember

how there is no salat subuh
thus chains around my hands
how there is no duaa
and no faithful habits
and no habits for myself
and so i wonder of course i am not happy
I asked Allah all the right things and when he gave them to me
I stopped
how much do I love him ...Allah and how much do I succumb to his intentions for me
well right now I am lost

but that is what 2016 is for.....

Friday, December 18, 2015

Reedit urself

Whats wrong? 
This was not the plan
Is it the water is drugged؟ or the eyesare hypnotised ? Or that u just cant belive shes gone ?or u are unkind to yourself 
Or that here you lose yourself
But the truth it is here ur soul on earth and here ur trusted land where u came from and where an angel like sannaa came from   is where u shud find peace 

For u are here and u have a chance use it love it describe it wear it own it have it touch it believe in it

Saturday, December 12, 2015

A quiet night- post drama

Sneeze Away the old and breathe in the new don't take my disgust at myself a sign of weakness for I have found it is actually the opposite I am here to change and develop into everything I can be and I can be beautiful from the inside for I have learnt that beauty cannot be bought cannot be rented cannot be stolen it can only be found within u 
Within that heart of yours beating memorably
Within that mind of yours working wonderfully
Within those cells of yours craving happiness and the joy of the world 
Within those emotions of yours circling themselves
Within that anger inside you that makes you flock your wings like a peacock
Rather an unelegantfeather anger is
Within those fears of yours that can drive you the wrong way 
Within those smiles of yours thatch work wonders
Within those prayers of yours that can protect you from anything

That's where you find beauty within you
And around you
But if yo u lose your tongue it won't be beauty that you see I t won't be anything that you see
Remember Sanaas nodding
Remember how you are lucky to have the people you have in your life
Remember how your tongue is your connection to you r inner beauty
So what you say is a reflection of how beautiful or ugly u are 
Remember how honest you are
And don't let anything get in the WA y of that 
Remember the quiet 
That you must work hard to find 
And you should never give up
Remember it all

Sadness is the sprout for al things from there you learn to grow you learn to move forward but you also learn that there are other ways to choose
Like hope for hoping is a sanity
Not regretting 
For rethinking and regretting that which u think which u do is the true sadness
Not giving up 
For when u give up its like running back to the start again although you can see the finish line
Every time
No wonder you're sick of it
He's sick of it
For when you ooze madness
Your life will be decorated with chaos
That which you do not deserve

This year 
I challenge myself to open up and be all the things I wished I was
All the good words I couldn't be
All the fears that broke me I challenge them not let them challenge me
All the regrets. I ask them to simply convert into faith good planning and hope
For this year I will not challenge allah as I have done
I will easily

No more excuses

No more procrastinating
This feeling thati am always under things
That i am always unable
That i am always disorganised
That i am always dreaming and not reaching

Has to go
This year 
I plan to be we with the man i love
With my family

With allah first 
I want to get all that goodness inside me and create waves of beauty
Allow for me to be over things
Things always get done
Get created
Get improved
And never

In the wrong path
Holdi ng the wrongs
Or feeling the wrong things

Hello .... No more

I am a new lady
Made / Remade
And feeling revitalised 

I am a beautiful lady
Knowing within myself that i Am myself
And just no more
No more

Yet through no more comes
Comes the beginning

Through no more will come life
Will come life

And i am waiting
And through waiting will come the hope i long to meet

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Life after sannaa 6

Things are bad dear sannaa
I am here 
I promised you and i havnt done a thing
It scares me to go see what i will find
What i will find is your abscence and yet i must feel your presence
I promised but i always fail
You see sanabana 
I dont knowwhats wrong with me
Why  im like this 
I hate this
But i can imagine that u didnt want the treatment and yet u had to
U had to lose ur beautifil haireven though u didnt want to and yet i
Want to lose my weight and i truly want to
So whatsthe problem?
Devil work?
Dishonesty with myself
Am i putting through me what was putthrough u?
Dear sannaa 
Ill never forget ur smile

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Monday, December 7, 2015

Dear hope,

The time has gone and you are still unfair to yourself
your time unmanaged
your body unfixed
and your heart ... unmended
you are still unable to comprehend the beauty of a cold silent day
like now
just yourself
and most miserably
you are unable to feel the delicacy of taking a big and wise decision

digging out your 24 hours from the rubbish bin
or picking up your fallen brain cells from the ground
understanding the truth within you
becoming someone you can be proud of

for the clicks of this fading laptop
make it a newly coming memory
tomorow you may pick up a new thing
a new piece of you
and when you take it home
what will it think of you?
what will it hope for you
and will it be filled with?

wishful thinking ?
will you disappoint ?
as usual

I urge you to sit in this beautiful silence and just think

just ....think

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Feeling unbeautiful from inside

What is beauty what is fame
What is the thing inside that makes you confident beautiful and then you take it a step further and actually are beautiful
You dress well and love yourself feom inside
And it shows
What makes you look beautiful
Sparkles or confidence
Or both?
What makes the thin line between classy amd trashy? 
What makes the thin line between a woman who owns herself and woman.... Notlike me
Far away from me
Although i have all the ingrediwnts
What makes me unable to bloom. 

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Life after sanaa 5

Dear sanaa
I am very sad
And yet i promise myself a new day
One that you would be proud of
For i feel you are the fresh air gone in the morning dew and yet i feel you , your crisp freshness in my cheek
For i see your bouncy long hair waving in the background and you are flying happy young healthy and somehwere u deserve and you hair glistens in my heart forever
And i see you turn your head towards me one final glance your smile awkward with those beautiful teeth
Your dimples swinging joy
Your eyes glistening with sharp love
And i can hear your sweet unique voice
But you will always be with me sana bana my dear lost one
And yet i hold u in my heart
And yet you bloom in my soul
Flowers all colours joys and power for my existence
Ya allah give me patience
Ya allah change me
Ya allah dont break me
Ya allah help me stay strong not from crying but for believing that i can get through missing her 

Ya allah change me
Ya allah 

Life after sanaa 4

I cant believe youre gone
Its all a bad dream a bad day a bad nightmare a terrible moment in our history
I cant concentrate i said to them
I was soafraid
You too my sister
And i miss your texts
I miss your hug
I miss that last time u held our key
And how sweet u looked leaving
And you pink dreams floating above you
I still remember you 
And i will never forget you
Sanaa im so sad
But i know youre in a happy place
I know
Ya allah help us in this hard time
Ya allah let us change and turn this pain into something positive

Monday, November 30, 2015

Life after sanaa 3;

يا الله اسالك السماح
عالج اعصابي زي ما عالجتني اليوم
عالق قلبي الصغير
عالج حذني العميق 
عالج فشلي الكبير
عالج ضعفي
عالج حياتي التي فهمت اليوم مدي حبي ليها و مدي حبي في الحياةعالجني يا الله عالجني يا الله فانا لا ينقصني شيء الا انت يا الله
قويني في حياتي قويني و خليني اكون في رضاك وفي حنانك الشفته السوم 
يا ربي 
يا جميل انت سعدي و قوتي و حبي و حياتي التي اعيش بها الان

يا رحمن ارحم سناء التي ذهبت الا مكان الهنا والسرور و مكان ضحكتها التي انور الحياة وكمان التي لا فيه حزن والمكان التي هي احسن وهي افضل
ولكن يا الله لا اريد ان افتقد ها 
اريد ان اكون ضعيفة الشين وقوية الجميل
يا الله غير حاله كلها

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Life after Sanaa 2

Looking at the floor to find you
My heart skips a beat unable to breathe the pain
You were my beautiful daughter my sunshine my strength that i never knew would dim
You made me i made you
And now im broken 
Feeling as lonely as the queitest land
I am afraid of missing u so much
I am afraid of the hurt inside me bursting suffocating
You are a lost treasure 
My gem buried under the ground
My soul is with you 

Life after sanaa 1

Ive got so much to say and i dont know how to say any of it
The day has come the moment 
The ugliness of the dark and the broken dreams the expanded remorse of every single beating heart in that night screaming in pain unable to comprehend 
Unable to understand unable to believe
And then there was me
So far away and remembering all the little details
Like promises
Like words like thoughts
Like chocolate
Like waking her up
Like whats wrong with me
And how nothing was wrong with her
Im in pain
And im in more pain for who i am
What i am 
Where i am
How i think
And how strong she was and how weak i am
Just how weak i am 
Life is completely messed up for me

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Who are you?....

I love him with evertthing ive got
But i realised today theres dirt above my love
Theres flowers stil waiting to bloom
I realised im his tree with branches and branches for his existence
For him to breathe by
For him to live for
For me to be free with him
And yet those deep roots
Suffocate kindly
Those crash waves are not delicate
I breathe in and ask myself
Who are you?...

Thursday, October 22, 2015

If they could they would

If you cant control yourself
Others musst control you
Its as simple as that 
For if they could do more , they would

I hate everything youve done for yourself

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Why? Why?

What to write when u dont know what ur feeling
What to say when you dont know what u mean
What to do when u reach a point ur so disconnected within yourself you just become
What to make of it when ur inner voice is loud
Its strange noone else can hear it
Its strange that u can deal with it
What to believe when u dont know what to imagine
The step before the step is missing in my heart
Everything makes me sad
Everything makes me feel broken
But the worse part is
I feel lost
I feel left tormented by my own worries and mistakes
By my own lack of decisions
By my own lack of movement and and this feeling of stuck i cant get iut if
People behind me are teying to push me
But im too heavy
Am too ... Wrong
Too wrong 
Too astray
Imagine walking in a desert and knowing ur going the wrong way u know 
U can feel the heat and see the depth of emptiness ahead of you
But u just keep on walking
Do you
Do you....

Saturday, October 10, 2015


In everyway
With everyone
I think the devils won
Ithink ive lost
I think i have

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

(1) start by..... admitting that I am un - me

That things need to change
that your suffocating within the mirrors of LED and scrolling
that your phone and facebook and all the things that are normal and beautiful but you use till intoxication are ..... breaking you
like virus computer filling your empty healthy space inside and anything that should work normally
has to attach with them through them
Ifeel like i was born with my phone
if that waas the case it would be ok but Allah did not give us a phone to live with and therefore it should not be a crucial part of my existence
being with me in my darkest and brightest of times
in my important hours and in my dreams and thoughts and fingertips
as if there is nothing else to hold or to be with
nothing else to own and cherish but ..... a few applications
my eyes tremble
my fingers tremble
my mind is like a scattered mindfield
unable to hold any information
or any drama for that matter
for if its not my phone
its my games on computer
playing ...mahjong 
which is just so wrong

for playing cards and matching will never suffice

I admit that im wasting my time, my health, and all my efforts to things that do not deserve
and that which do deserve
i ignore like the plaque
as if i shouldnt do them
as if i just do them in the bare time
in the most concentrated time
like its not my responsibilty
not my time
not my day
not for me

I dont know what I care about

I admit I dont know what I care about, what I need or what I desire
life must go on
does my work directly relate to something else but me or should it all be me
hasnt God given me mind and thought to think and dream for myself and not for others

dont I have the chance to be here
instead of there

where are things going if I stay like this

everything unimportant thatis important and everything important that is unimportant

My work is my work
and my dreams are my dreams
and my goals are my goals

why dont I see that
at 28 years of age I think ive accomplished a great  deal

why dont I see that ?
but maybe if Allah has written for me
at 32 or 35 years of age
what would i have accomplished
I remember working so hard for things
I remember actually wanting things
I remember trying and hoping
but I dont and never remember being ......this lazy
this disorientated
unable to wake up early
or is it I dont want to wake up early to avoid problems and responsibilities

I admit also that I have become faithless
I admit that so much
long are the days I cared about what Allah thought

Long are the days i planned to be kind
to be happy ,
to be happy truly for myself because ive achieved things in different places in beautiful ways

I admit that ive done wrong towards people that dont deserve that from me and that they deserve better
 they deserve my attention and my care my love and most important most important my
for if i dont give kindness to anyone I should give it to them
for they are kind and have lived through way more pain and trauma for me to understand
and worse i dont want to be in that situation
I always want to be like the angels amongst people all the time and with family and purity but I dont want to be alone
but if I see someone so alone isnt it so wrong that i should only make them feel more alone
Ya Allah samihni
Ya Allah samihni

I feel ....destructive
I feel...wicked
I feel traumatic
I feel broken
I feel lost
I feel addicted
I feel like im losing
I feel unproductive
 i feel ..... un me

(2) Start by... clearing it all

You’re more than just a passing right-swipe, Pisces. And in October, you’re sure to let ‘em know that you want to be taken seriously. From the 8th on, cosmic lovebirds Mars and Venus sail together through Virgo and your seventh house of committed relationships. On the 15th and 25th, lucky Jupiter rides shotgun, making you bolder than ever about asking for what you want and need. Adding to that is the sun, which is parked in Libra and your erotic eighth house until the 23rd. You want it all now: soul mate or bust. Clear the decks of players and people who just can’t give you a straight answer. Yes, that includes all the toxic exes who pop up while Mercury is retrograde from September 17 to October 9. If you’re in a relationship, take the initiative to keep things fresh and exciting. Pick up pairs of tickets, plan parties together, take off for weekend road trips. And don’t forget to spice things up in the bedroom, too. The new moon on the 12th could bring some fantasy-fueled escapades. A creative collaboration or exciting business partnership could become official this month, too. Draft a contract to make sure you start off with clear agreements — the best way to avoid future meltdowns. The entrepreneurial bug will bite when the sun heads into Scorpio for a month on the 23rd. Have you been mulling over the idea of going back to school (even part-time) or starting a business of your own? Get on the ball with applications and development. Things could take off at a fast clip! Traveling could figure in to these plans, too. Basically, you can’t go wrong by packing your bags and exploring the world during this four-week phase. Bonus: The full moon on the 27th could reveal the perfect kindred spirit to join you on your journeys. 

Saturday, October 3, 2015

battery dead

Sometime Allah doesnt change your situation because hes trying to change your heart that solid
internal blip of beating that is a rythmic fearful proud and unpure - strong brave courageous , wild, untamed
but useless
the beats mesmerising in despair
the sound breaking in its own travels
the echoes reaching nowhere
that heart
shouting to be saved
crying to be changed
moving in the wrong direction
do you remember all that youve done
do you think its enough?
how far would your battery go?
how far would your battery live?
have you ever recharged it
unleaded or diesel?
heavy or light?

have you ever realised that God is trying to heal your heart
trying t tell you something
trying o being you closer
trying to help you
but you just dont want any helping do you?
you just want what you want
everything to fall into place
when your jigsaw puzzles are a thousand miles apart
look at you
youre fearless
but that nots completely good
your challenging
and thats not completely proud
your young
and thats not completely forever
your mistaken
and that seems to be going on always

think about it
do you deserve what you want?

to be continued

think about it
when was the last time you really studied
no wonder there is no acceptance
you are just not ready and Allah knows
dont fool yourself
your batery

has died 

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Ya Allah.... Give me

I know
That you will be with me
And that your love will
Protect me
And i am here always
And praying
Even if i forget
Ya Allah 
Let me have my own story
And not like anyone elses
Ya Allah
I needyou so much
And i savour anything u give me
Forgive me if i am weak 
Or i am impatient
Or i am scared
Or worse
That i am jealous
I am here 
I am here
And maybe even arrogant
But i am here
I am definitely not good
But i am definitely not bad
Ya Allah
Please be with me
I want to feel it all
Please let it be this time
Ya Allah
Be with me
And accept me
And allow me
And change me
And forgive me
Ya Allah
Please read
Ya Allah 
Give me
For i am a greedy slave 
Ya Allah

Sunday, September 20, 2015

im tired

Oh dear ... hes so bright and happy and Im just an unstable mess
my head hurts and mind wavers and wanders into emptiness
I feel tired
not like I normally aim
I feel aimless goalless
just plain tired
I feel like for once Ill never get this job
I feel pointless
I even feel big without meaning
just a heavy block of somebody walking and I just hate everyone around me
i even hate myself
i want to shout
I want to scream
im tired
and im afraid
but more importantly am angry
but its all weakness
for my anger hasnt produced anything
im still the big empty womanless, jobless woman i am
and i feel like everyone is taking advantage of me
for that was a secretarys job
not mine
but hey it doesnt matter
and I want to do things but i never do
so someone has to tell me to do them
someone has to make me do them
like a child i guess
for im just like a child
lets do this and lets do that and lets bring this and lets bring that
for i cant think for myself
at this moment in time
im tired
im very tired
and i hate myself for having it all and not feeling any of it
in this moment in time
lost and must control\?


Saturday, September 19, 2015

things change and so should you

What does one do when you feel.... on the exterior, when you feel like an outcast in you own family?
I remember days and moments I remember closeness and I think about words spoken and secrets I told
I dont know now secrets are gold I will not let go of
I feeel weak and broken when secrets come out of me now
for no one haas told me theirs
I ask myself why?
why dont they tell me their exciting promises and their acheivements?
its such a trembling question actually
are they afraid i will ruin it ?
am i at a lower lavel of family then i thought for htey have put me amongst the common family
are they so happy about their progress they want to make sure it rocks me when I find out ?
are they afraid i will jinx it foor them?
ask too many questions

the summary is the same.... they feel it is none of my business

and that hurts
and strangely it is devastating that i never felt like that before towards them
always excited to tell them my news I was

now its a gift to hide things
I feel .... like life changes
and people change
I change and my emotions change
that closesness you think you have with someone develops int o something else
you have to fight it
and you hav e to break it
that feeling of closeness you think you have for

they even are not afraid to tell you

I forgot you

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Feeling never good enough

Feeling down 
Feeling like ive won the battle but not the war
Am i selfish
Am i gentle
Am i a strong one
Am i bitter
Am i honest
Thus like to be honested with
Am i heart
No mind
Am i all emotion
No good feelings
Am i happy
Am i just a fool
Am i a queen
Or am i a slave?
Am i protected
Or am i disconnected
Am i broken
Or am i lost
Do i wish upon a star
Or do i wish all weong
Is my heart like this molted steel case withiut even a key , where a key would never open this far away heart
No youd have to melt it and be careful where lava wouldnt be hot enough wouldbt be kind enough
Wouldnt be good enough
Im not good enough

Saturday, September 12, 2015

thats why

Last words before I go prepare for Tommorow...

All my life I should be preparing for Tommorow
but here I am never even preparing for today
my fridge is annoying me and no difference from the before me
nothing is gonna make it clean but me
nothing is gonna make it right but me
for here I am , with actual great relief that i know whats wrong
maybe noteven blaming myself no more
jsut the reasons taht Allah has placed
Allah has given me the easiest of problems
the easiest of chances
the best of ways
and suddenly I am actually happy
understanding what my body is doing
understanding where I am
I feel like its all here
and from today I will never give up
I will always pray for that day
and I will always understand that Allah is here for me


This week

Lather, rinse, repeat? Not this week. While you’ll certainly have to put in some time at the office, don’t just clock in and go through the motions. With motivator Mars and innovator Uranus in cahoots on Tuesday, it’s time to shake up your processes. Streamline your systems so you can work smarter, not harder. Use technology AND teamwork to get the job done more joyfully — so you can also enjoy a little more casual conversation with coworkers instead of canceling out their jokes and chitchat with your Beats. Think ahead, too: Where would you like to be professionally by the end of 2015? This week, take some bold action to get yourself there, even if that means creating a challenging assignment so you can grow and learn. 

 don't approach it from a place of worry or insecurity. Instead, spin a vision of the beautiful future you wish to co-create.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Beautiful....M&A new

I love being with you
You are my all  
My dream... 
My sweet sweet life..

Thursday, September 10, 2015

There used to be

Whats the link between u and your country? 
Is it sadness is it patience
Is it weakness
Is it greed
Are all those links? For it certainly isnt strength

What is it that makes u sudanese?
Is it ur passport? Or because u were born here one day years ago
Or is it the colour of ur skin
Or is it how selfish u are?

They say there used to a barclays bank 
They say we used to be the best
But now sudan follows me for i am the worst 

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

well done. You punished the old lady

Am I evil or am I an angel, I don’t know but I hate this feeling, looking at myself with remorse and shame in everything I do. Getting jealous from everyone near me although I have everything better or just like them… or do I ? for im always missing one thing…., having this itching, painful, clear, biting sensation that all should be mine and no one elses. Clearly, that is a disease. I am diseased.
For just being who I am, for who I am isn’t who I need and is deteriorating, is maddening. Between My eyes always hurts, my brain is scattered, my heart shakes, my back aches and my story is ending. The flame is almost about to rebel out. It doesn’t feel like being involved in life, it doesn’t feel like trying, it doesn’t feel like anything. I wish I could throw my phone out the window, into the sea, into my lifeless existence. For with my phone I only gained suffocation. That tiny piece of metal and radiation is …. Killing me.  
 I wish I could melt my extra weight in a furnace. Just enter and come out …perfect. All will be well then. I wish I could be smart…again for I used to be smart and caring but now im just … a secretary.
Going every day from 8-3 and doing nothing from 8-3 except writing things a smart secretary should be doing.  
I need someone who can think on the spot , who can be kind and put pressure on her wounds without screaming, for who I want to be is that woman who doesn’t need to come to levels with an old soul, one created much further away and thus deserves much better respect regardless of her actions and her thoughts. It is you that should be locked up in time, locked up in organisation, locked up in punishment, not her.  But isn’t balance a challenge? Didn’t you just agree to this plan over and over again?  Didn’t we agree, didn’t I run it over with both and all said yes … perfect…
but I hate the look on his face…the disappointment is it> ? or is it the kindness that I don’t have - you are evil and I can just look inside your heart to see, for I can see the blackness waving out into our existence. This is your fault. Your greed and your shyness. I am too weak to do anything and deep down love may just be changing. Like your need to organise for 3 weeks away. Who knows what could happen until then. Just leave it. But all you can think about is that you won the challenge and punished the old lady. Well done. I miss my mum. She would have made me feel better.
I am unhappy because of nothing but myself. This poor shrivelled, weak, dishonest, sharp that makes others bleed, narrow minded…. Wouldn’t even call myself a female… just a vessel, a big one. T oo stupid to wake up on time
When angels fly by, and Allah calls youre too stupid to wake up. Snoring and dribbling misery further into your life
Hey Australia… I guess im coming to visit you.. can you hold this big woman I am with emptiness inside me.?

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Tears of glory 1

Sudan...the glory
Sudan...the drunk and rotten
am I drunk and rotten?
Hope the powerful adamant critical beautiful detailed and caring of herself and her work and is achieving of everything she can do
Hope the stalled miserable weak tearful gunned holed and bruised woman she is

Whats happened
Hope 1961
Sudan 1961

Hope 2015
Sudan 2015

All the same
All the nothing
All the broken
All the shattered and african tears running down her spine

to be continued.....


T&M.... M&T.... the new invoice>

It starts to dawn on my mind that a dream becoming a reality isnt 
all that far or impossible no matter how small how inferior u may feel 
it may just reside with allah that u deserve that dream to become real
 its already happened or happening maybe i just have to be strong close 
my eyes and wish upon a shooting star today not a million light years 
Believe that she/s may become mine and her/s name may become 
magically intertwined with mine

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Ugly hand

What an ugly hand, what a beautiful icecream
What terrible discovery, what a beautiful day
What a repeat suprise, what a strong woman you are
What sly people u see, what a kind woman you are

The icecream is beautiful the colours the place maybe the people their love for each other their saceifices
Not like the ones u dont make
Not like the way i am
Big with faults
Pained with weakness
Hot with shame
Blown with heaviness
Shattered by my own weight

.... To pieces
Little bits and pieces
Like ground glass....
What a nice icecream what an ugly hand
Like yours ugly hand

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Mamas advice

Dont feel bad about yourself at all be posetive always please ok

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

September wishes...

this time
im not gona breakdown
am not gona give up
or lose hope
in fact
im gonna start again
im gonna tackle my pain and thank Allah I am better than who i was yesterday than who i am today
i will beat my faults and I will lower my weaknesses until my strengths are the only thing i can see
i will beat my body up until it stands tall
and proud
and i will not give up
i will not give up
in the easiest and most painful times i am like the tortoise with the rabbit
i will win a race the race whatever race
for i will not stop trying to get there
the place i want to reach
the place i want to go

and i will not stop praying
i will not give up on Allah, on myself and on good luck and faith
ya RAB, Ya Allah
help me

Monday, August 31, 2015

picses truth



It’s natural (whats natural within me? within these large compounds, inside these soft walls, there is an unnatural process, a broken promise inside me) to care what other people think of you, Pisces. But this week, don’t give outside opinions the final vote in your decision-making process. On Monday, the ego-driven sun in your relationship house faces off with your ruling planet, foggy Neptune. This makes you susceptible to the sway of dominating people — and even a bully or two ( I wish my luck came in two, Ya Allah). Steer clear of critics early this week, especially the ones who always undermine you with their “helpful hints.” And yes, swaddle yourself in the support of people who see your greatness and encourage you to be your biggest, baddest self. But most of all, listen to your own ( be selfish, be targeted, be strong, be your own to get your own) inner guidance. YOUR opinion is the one that counts most this week, but you might need to slip off for some solo time in order to hear that very important voice in your head.You could have that “me, myself, and I moment” on your yoga mat or while taking a long run in the park. Dance partners Mars and Venus align in your wellness zone on Tuesday, reminding you to pause and take care of your body, too. With Venus still retrograde — from July 25 until this Sunday — you might give your beauty routine a revamp. Swap out synthetic products for organic or natural versions. Reignite (and dont ever give up - 7-3 and hope for 2) your inner glow by eating clean and green AND getting plenty of rest. Since this planetary pairing is connected to love, think about the health of your relationships. Are you communicating honestly or have you been holding too much in? Resentment can be poisonous to partnerships, Pisces. Talk feelings through with a levelheaded friend so you can have a heart to heart when Venus turns direct again this Sunday. And while summer’s not quite over yet, coupled Pisces could hop on the wellness wagon as a pair. Bring on the buddy workouts and smoothies for two (luck in the last)!

Sunday, August 23, 2015

From pause to play

Feeling despair
Empty gold snd platinum running by
I prayfor myself.... Limited editions
Only in a miniscule like asecret
Like a small hole in my heart
I move with my mistakes to a newlevel to a new era
Of forget
Just forget others
Just lose to their pain
Too much to handle yours and theirs so itsjust yours   
But even yourself u to choose to forget
And instead u choose regret

A broken woman u are
Always feeling like u havnt done something
Always feeling like u havnt earned something
Always feeling like u havnt looked out for 
Always looking over your shoulder for the future u deserve
Always looking for drama u dont need
Always wasting time that u do need
In love with the right person
Kind and sexy and honest
Sweet caring and happy
A happy man
But i want to make him happier
And happier
Ya rab 
Please take from me bad thoughts and only give me good ones
Please only show me good things
Please dont let me lose in anything
Please take away my pain my fears and my thoughts of sadness 
Please please forgive me
Please let me be deserving of hard things
 Of things tht are precious
Please be with me through thick and thin
But give me the pleasures in life that are just so sweet
Please dont give up on me
Nd please dont stop your rewards
Your kindness that showers on me
Always in evry little thing of my life
Let my story be truth and beauty and sunshine
New life and great love
Peace and trust 
Ya rab 
Let me be the one u choose
 Let me be
Ya allah let me be
Please let that pause button go on
To play
Ya rab i ask u and travel to a place filled with true dreams
Ya rab
Let it all come true

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -