Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New hope

A glimmer if hope comes
It grows
I wonder
I dont wonder
I pray
I sit still
I stand tall
I will never falter from gods love
From trusting him
I do....
Forever lovey god
Ya allah
Whatever happens , help me
In these last few hours
This beautiful next new year
Ya allah
Let it be wonderful
Let it be me
That works wonders

Monday, December 15, 2014

Eternally grateful

I am very grateful
For everything
And that nothing is bad
Ya rab i really love you amd completely
Ashamed of whom ive become
And yet u always help me
Save me , in fact
U never let me go
Never forget me
And even though i forget u
I am detached from you
You always hold on
Ya rab
Thank you for today
For now
For yesterday
And for every single day
Thank you for the good times
And for preventing me from having bad times
Ya rab
I want to start afresh
And i want to be forgiven
And never ridden ... From your love

Monday, October 27, 2014

Monday browns

Sitting in a tiny cafe on a tiny hilly street where i suddenly remembered to come here because i wanted freedom and iwanted ties the freedom of knowing all tasting trying having knowing and the freedom of exploring but the ties of someonetelling u this place is good or the ties of trying something before u go ... And i am going soon
It doesnt feel soon
But it is
For today could be a last monday
Brown monday 
Bitter cold
For my capuchino looked sexy as hell but was definitely cold
But isnt life
Is t it all
The times u do get it the way u want
Steaming hot
Cherish it
Love it
Enjoy it
Cultivate it
I have spent
A while here
3 months here
It feels like forever maybe it was
In the dusken chilly seaside town 
Where i did benefit
In the end
Built up my core right to the core
Taught myself that i am smart kind young sexy bright happy healthy alive
And certainly have potential to be who i want
For i was what i wanted here
And old
I was reminded of the way i used to be but with a twist
More responsibility
More friends
More coffee

I love who i am
I want to cherish that
I dont know why i stopped writing
Because writing is really the substitute for 
Maybe ijuststarted drinking cofees instead
now i want to do both - love life and happiness
Close to the end
2 more mondays until i see him
Cuz we never count the daywere in
I hope he misses me like i do
Maybe more maybe better
I hope he enjoys life with me
I hope he explores new things 
With me 
And i hope he too savors a goood coffee with me
Ya rab
I hope i close my eyes and open them and find am on that 6.18 train
For im impatient with love
And  am lost in time
And am hoping for miracles
And am tired of normality
And i am thankful for the way my life is
And am thankful that african gene is on its way
And am thankful for everything.... Everything ya allah 

Saturday, September 20, 2014

some nice thoughts.....

The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be. Because of all I may become, I will close my eyes and leap

 Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock

 Fall seven times, get up eight.

 Promise me you'll always remember that you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you know

Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.

 When you're feeling your worst, that's when you get to know yourself the best.

 When it's dark enough, you can see the stars

a revalation.....

I press frantically to try get the page to open new post for I have so much kindness to say ad before it goes i have to type
I want to say thank you allah for bringing me here because i know you were kind to me and brought me where i could survive - where i could learn and where i could come to exist alone and yet with you
you brought me here for a reason and I think i know
to become a better me
to share
with you and him and others new
and to share with myself
all the details of growing up of making mistakes of being someone im not proud of and of being someone i am
I met people here that I am learning from
how to ... appreciate small things in life
like cutting up courgettes
I learnt that i am a better human being than i thought
but at times i can be devious , ugly and bitter
and worse of all////weak
i can be weak to let that horrible part of me succeed
and that sad part within me monsterise
but today i realiseed something
that no matter what
i am the better , i am good and that part always reign
i realised i dont hate people who have hurt me
i am deeply heartbroken by their actions and when i let that in - it hurts but it also soothes to know i am better than hating
i realised i can push myself to do something i am scared to do
like be there for 7 am where my heart will beat faster
i understand that i miss him deeply and all my actions hurt when im away
but i know that when i see him
i will fall in love a million times stronger and better and

in a silent house in the middle of nowhere but near the sea ...close enough to see the water and hear the ships
I suddenly realise that i am a good muslim
that i do love allah
and that he is close to me
for the the worst of times
and the lonliest ofthem
he makes it instantly alright
i am with him and he is with me

is with me

and i am the strongest
in this alienated space
this house that is and is not mine at the same time
for this is my space
and yet when i look around i miss my samsung tv and clean linen , flowered and sandalwooded with tradiiton
i miss my red kitchen


I am better than who i am and who i was
and i am cleaner than who i think and
i can believe to get what i want and what i need

when god wills

I am here
i exist
and i am near to everthing that i need
no matter how far it seems

I have prayed for time to run and it will
i have prayer for things to work out and they will
i have asked for special gifts and i know they will come
i have begged to be forgive and i know that he will

Y a RAb
lets begin again


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

deeply wounded

I cant remember the last time I actually vowed to do something and actually

i havnt done something in a while

i havnt been commited
or strong

and yet my dreams suffocate me
trying to explode


and  I still want to contain them

and yet i am here
with all this chance


escpecially today to be happy

but i am also tired of who i am

i cant believe im jealous ofwrong people

i cant believe i put myself in these danger zones

she cycles to her class

and i

dont even bother opening my praying mat on time

she is more dedicated than i am
she is more faithful than i am
in things that she does

isnt she the reflection i want to be
jsut a different edition
a better one

and the other one

cutting up courgettes like they were diamonds

and  i
just watch
wondering where the trust is coming from
where the lack of ego is coming from

i realised today im not a kind person
beginnign with myself
i realised today
i need help
but i looked in al lthe wrong reasons

i realised today

i am not anywhere near who i want or need or can be

no i
a pathetic woman
and ...
persuasive and demanding


history is true and never incorrect
and i am couched in sorrow just like on this couch
and i am

sorry for myself


Saturday, September 6, 2014

82_ Peaches....

So maybe the tables do turn
I am a cleaner place
body and soul
mind and heart
sanity and music
love and movies
health and intervention

feeling like this is the only time I can be myself, the only time I can free myself 
so BED Project resumes with 82 ways

Im going to find 82 ways to breathe again
no question
im going to reach within myself 82 ways and places
am going to fix myself 82 times
and am going to change myself 82 times
am going to listen to myself like ive never listened before
and am going to breathe better 82 times
am going to change 82 times and 
come forwards in my dreams
am going to anticipate and plot 82 times

I reach 82



Friday, September 5, 2014

just like animals....

we go we leave
time is precious
and yet it seems
I only waste more of it
administered so expensively
and yet unsaved so tragically

discovering new music is a life saver
but unable to keep promises is a heart breaker

today is my last day


suddenly it doesnt seem so bad
and yet i know
it was

its strange how we get accustomed to situations until

its ok

i know this wasnt ok
but i reached a zone where it was

maybe from tommorow i may be able to fry eggs and stew vegatables

i really hope so
because im sick of living so unnaturally

like animals

this was

I wish I woulc understand myself better
know how to conect all the unconnected dots
fuse up light inside me
and make me glitter
i wish i could ...change

like now
move homes
i wish i could move personalities and become someone i really need to be

this change i carve for
what is it though?
i dont thnk ive ever asked myself that question

its always i just want to change

but what do i wnat to change to
what is it?

to be continued

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

the wrong choices...from a left hander 1

I just wanted to say... Ive never felt so intimidated by anyone in my whole entire life. I suddenly had the urge to... bleed. All my past away. for I felt in that instance that i was the only reason for all my pain ain... largeness in life. For a plit second i really hated who iwas more than i could ever have. and i really wished i wasnt there. all i could thinkk about was/.// elegance that i hadnt achieved and love that i hadnt created within myself. how i really felt ugly and i really was. for a moment life paused and i could feel and taste and hear but i couldnt think or speak. i wasnt allowed even for i felt permission was refused by superiority of.... ability and she was able while i was not. Pure.... first and thirld world ranks i felt. I was from poverty. My whole insides were screaming with hunger although I havnt felt hunger for a very long time meaybe never , never inadequately anyway. never never been around food. always with me somehnow - and today i was surrounded and yet i was so alone. I felt.... stupid and silly for being there. because i was unfitting, the wrong jigsaw piece. the broken glass piece that wont fit back in the right place. all bits off. all parts heavy. all mistakes clear/ I could infiltrate thoughts.. God thats a bit too big. strange I had thought of that order - before her in my deep mind somewhere int he place where I still havnt ... created/ but I went for the wrong choice always.

Pink tie 1

new day
its a new day
without caffeine to control me or negativities to uphold me
without misery to target me
or drowning to choke me ..into my inabilities
only possibilities today

new day
like mangos
and pearls

like beatiful clothes and
sparkling shoes
like a great movie and
a wonderful kiss

new day
new way
inspired by inspiration itself
and moments that i want to make right
and the moment is now

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

target illiterate of dreams

time for a proposal
dont go back
only forward
if i  do say so myself

want to know
my whereabouts?

im somewhere between stuck and free

in love with myself/... and yet that bit consumed with essential misery

dont know why

I can shock myself with life music
baby couldnt you tell?

making a whole lot of ideas

and htats what i do

am the best at what i do
and yet

am not the best in who I am

feeling unsolid
already in love with myself
but never showing it

im a mess
yet too blessed to be stressed

life drama exists and i resist to give in
yet i never win
my chances
and i always give th wrong impressions
im a beautiful queen
yet I look a like a poor beggar of dreams

Love and affection
writing is my king
like him
and I do want to ask for the world
flying in his arms
and travelling the world
for the skies are our limit
and i exist only with his wings

wrong impressions
love and affections
too depserate for his touch
his mind
a sterling for his beautiful thoughts
and ways that consume me

its all unravelling
the secrets of his eyes
and the crevices in his life

dont slip
and yet i love slipping in his kiss

its repetitive
its the beating of my heart for him
and yet all ican think of

how dissapointimg i am
i am poor
in strenght
cold in my ways
and i cant work miracles

when i hold him close

its heartbreaking
my voice swells with regret
maybe it is my fault
and maybe Allah is with me always

i love her sweet entrance

i wonder what he will think that very instant
and that very delicate twindle of fate
that we are together again
in my part of the world

at least i can talk better here
at least i can sort it out it here
at least i can ..... forget here
and calamatiies are smaller

i think

she knocks on my door and that is a tragedy
i dont like being so close
to sin
and knowing this....woman
is not going anywhere but ....

I dont know its not my decision
but I just know

its calm somewhere around me and i have all the time in the world to type my statemennts away

but what is it that i want to state?

i miss my love for beyonce
she rocks

and is ./was my inspiration

and now i just keep her in a shelf in my soul
along with all the other beautiful things in my life

my mother tell me i have so much clothes
she asks why havnt you worn any of this?
i wonder
and if you buy anything you would just be stupid
shes right

i always buy and never use
buying makes me feel better
wearing my body i can never make glamorous


i have no love and affection for my body

but all that has to change
 for im sick of letting the unsuccessful with ssuccessful names consume me


15 weeks...

I wished I Was
I'm not jealous but I am


missing him
missing me
missing us

I think about all those times i didnt wake up and i ask myslf how long have i been asleep
isnt he my baby and shouldnt i ?

wake up

i feel sorry for him and hate myself
for soemtimes it feels hes still alone

Im not with him
although i love him so much
and am crazy about all his heart
and soul
and when he comes to mind
i could melt into oblivion

hey isnt it 15 weeks until we meet? !


Monday, September 1, 2014

September wishes.... back to the basics (writing everyday)

Crisp mornings ... plans and dreams
feeling scared
that they may all shrivel
or will they bloom?
my pains are upholding my present
and my present is in you
long lost love
although i know where you are
i want to be with you
there right now
in your arms
and yet i am cold
worried and afraid to be so

responsible and could it be inevitable
that my next few days are never changing ///will it be the same
or will it be precious or will it be identical
or will it be
filled with crisp mornings...plans and dreams

can mean a heavenly skin sensation as one leaves the house in the morning to feel a sharp, tangent vibrant spring in the air that leaves one ... deeply in love with day

or Crisp
a potato flavored savory with a high calorie content

which one will you choose?

Monday, August 25, 2014

aches and pains

dark and gloomy day
i still havnt stays from my ways
of ill keeping

windy and cranky
i wake up a mystery of ugliness and the inability to think
or blink
into goodness

cold and misery
like the weather
i am but another
make today

filled with aches and pains
and the sensation to do evil
to say wrong
to stir a fight
and to make eyes flare

but i promised that part of me must be tamed
and aimed to do nicer
I am tired

of who ive become

a woman of treason
and no reason
to do things

but I am hope
his hope
my hope
and  Iwll never giveu p

to be that person that is inside of me

Sunday, August 24, 2014

BED project ... the intro

THIS was the old me .....................

Lost, forgotten, beautiful but ... hidden and shabby, too scared to feel everything and believe that nothing is beyond her...
deep down beautiful but just feeling too old to come to the surface and live her dreams...

and so  I take a deep breath and dont like the rotten smell of fear and dishonesty within myself for myself

and I decide to ... full stop that part of me

and start again

Project BED 

is a discovery, a new entry into a future i want to be happy in and a present that really is a present
where there is no remorse within me, no fears, no regrets, no guilt, no awkwardness, no drama, no histories that are hanging, no hatred, no consumptions, no darkness..... no

just BED

I want to take care of my BED

B is for Body 

E is for Education

D is for Deen (Faith) 

I want and need to takae care of my Body. From stopping biting my nails to learning to love myself again. For Ive realised that Ive stopped loving ymself ... although my body does love me... and tries its best everyday
I just ignore

been battered and abused by my own one elses...
I ask myself -- how much make up and , jewellery and cool clothes , and and that you have and yet not appreciate? maybe even not use?
I bought Mac makeup a collection that cost me nearly 200 pound sterling and ..... I never used it ...barely
yes you could say using makeup is not the point of being beautiful but I know , I know that the reason was that everytime i looked at myself in the mirror I avoided my eyes and my bosy, because deep down i felt that nothing could make me beautiful because i was...not happy with my body...
i never deeply entered into my femininity, my tidal of being a woman, of being in love with myself and making myself beautiful
a part of me cried for that and a part of just kept repressing....

I forgive myself right now , here today for not working hard enough to get a distinction in my masters. im angry at myself all the time. but ive only destroyed time and my brain because i stopped believing in myself - even going to conferences etc a part of me tightened about the past... and i fell int he same pit hole all over again, hating myself for something yes i did but no i can never change and deep down I know I can do better. I have bigger and better dreams for myself that I cannot move forward becaue im stuch in that court yard - 
I want to learn, i want to be clever, i want to be beneficial, I want to be trustworthy, I want to be ...amazing... 

Ya Allah.. Ive neglected you. Worse still, I am ...conditional. prayed and prayed for the best man and when i got him.. I turned my back on you. and now im too embarrassed to love you again. I know that you would never treat me int he same way and you always will accept my prayers and my begging of forgiveness. but I have lost  contact and touch with my soul. I want to do more for you ya Allah, like youve done for me. I want to be happier because i know you ar with me , and that i will never be alone because you are watching me...and  i fear you out of love, and nothing else - praying is because i need it, reading quran is because it keeps me safe, and asking for things i want is because i know your e the only one that can give them to me....  I will teach myself all of those things again....

so Project BED initiates ..... and is to be continued.... 


Saturday, August 23, 2014

so in love with myself....

I hope you have gotten sufficiently tired of hitting the snooze button; I know that what you need or need to activate in yourself will appear; I pray that your awakening comes with ease and grace, and stamina when the going gets hard. To love yourself as you are is a miracle, and to seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now. And now is all we have, and love is who we are.

I am bedezzled -
words rattle me , and grammar perfuses me, thoughts linger and breaths whisper
I wonder why ive wandered for so long
so out of...touch
so out of ,.,tune
so... into the blue

and yet its true
that i am the greatest there could be
all my self and everything within me is begging to be loved by...


all that I am
looks at me like a baby waiting to be loved
and nourished
and never forgotten

all that  Iam

my heart and soul
and everything everything inside me and outside me
asks me

why are you doing this to yourself?

worrying about things that do not matter

and instead forgetting things that do
like how to love you
how to think about words and make sense of them again

whatever happened to feeling pretty
wanting pretty
being pretty
inside and ...out

full stop. I say full stop
thats a stop filled with ...well the main emotion ive never managed to conquer is
dissapointment inside me
angry at myself for not having achieved things i should have
at myself
clinging on to that past

and yet

i just realised the more i do that
the more i will.... be dissapointed
and never move on
like tracks that are broken
i will never move forward
and no matter how that dissapointment is real or not
it will not change anything
the same as worrying about jasmine being first

it wont
in fact

Allah will test you harder

but i promised myself i will not think of Allah that way

i dont like myself
i dont aprreciate what i am and how smart or funny or pretty or kind or sweet or apologetic
or thoughtful or kind I am

its true im also mean and rude, and sharp and bitter and cruel and unkind sometimes and loud and rough and un feminine

i want to change
and i want to forigve mysself
and move one
i want to get on a single journey and never come back to the bad in me
i want to look out the window and see the sea
see the wind and the blowing trees
concentrate on the shuffling music of leaves
and the silent calm of the night
i want to see the fireworks and let the tall ships of healing enter my heart

I want to be revived
everytime i sit in neros or costas i want a piece back of me
i want to write him a card
and win a piece back of me

i want to be portalled into a beautiful space of forgiveness
and love

so here is my unconditional love to myself:

Ya Hope, I love you and all that you are , all that youve done, wrong or right, i love you because you are precious to me and im sorry i have neglected you. yes, I have neglected you- I have stopped to think about your needs and desires, i have stopped to think about how to make you pretty or prettier
I have looked back on days we spent together - you and i when you supported me , never taking any medicines never needing any thing but you and i , you helped me learn and pass, and win and get there. you helped me have fun, and care and you filled me with emotion and you taught me that. I learnt love first with you. me. but then i forgot you put you in a shelf and never looked back never came to clean you and worst like iwth the quran , atl east we open that once a year. you, i left you for dust and sunsrises and sunsets to cling on to your raw tears. i wasnt there. to listen, to hold or to cherish. and so you started to wither. slowly first,... then rapidly, you lost your beliefs, you lost your kindness, your patience, your vivid smartness. you lost your motivation, your challenges and most of all you lost me. IM sorry hope. i hope you forgive me , here I am, cleaning you , reminiscing on whether you will ever forgive me. I know years have passed liked this but i am the lover who doesnt want to go away, doesnt watn to lie, only wants to be forgiven. I need you. your sanity, your flavour, your structure, and your magical feelings that make me...real and yet intimate. make me glow. 



the non imaginary sunshine

today im going to be ahppy
nothing is going to phase me and nothing is going to break me
im going to enjoy my life my hours my second
my music that ive descivered
im going to be me and be happy
im not going to worry about him or her or them orwhy or how or
if onlys
im not going to think im jsut going to breathe
and dream
and pray
and im not going to wonder or wander
im just going to explore and pour out my love for the sunshine
and for Allah

for Allah is the greatest and I am great too
in my own way
i am
and i wil be strong
and i will be true to my heart
and thankful
because i am too blessed to be stressed
and i can do what i want to
and i can choose what i want to
 and Allah has given me that


Tuesday, August 19, 2014

no miracles here...

I am... lost
I suddenly understand that my body is an empty
onewithout thought
or emotion, patience or respect
who am I?
a lost woman

lost for thought
for productivity
for understaning
for kindness
for purity....
yes for that

a trangressor ..I am just living in the wrong position

wanting all the right things
but all the ticks cannot be met

like the english
wont happen 
if its not correct

and im just not correct
im all ...wrong
all wrong

all broken
and intimitately heartless
all insanely stuck

and unable to take myself through
miracles or unanswered questions

there will be no miracles here

Monday, August 18, 2014

me back

I cant get out of the trance
its just too advance
and im stuck in this dream
that I wish would be real

...with you

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Re: zima

seems like I upset everyone these days
or maybe in just 1 day

ugly words
angry voices
empty apologies

I feel heartbroken

spaces in time all black
even though I came for the sunshine and to find , the best me
am here to change for the better and not to feel the winter
sorry to be so stubborn, so holed int he heart
finding bad news all the time
any yet my body resists to be the bad one

couldnt fast
im so sorry Ya Allah
please forgive me and
challenge me for the better
I ask you to forgive me
for im just sick of drama
although I know im the drama

and im sick of pain
although im the one that hurts me

and im sick of worry
although there is no need for worry

for i understand, life is short
and beautiful

Ya Allah,
I understand what ive compromised and i dont want to compromise it
i wont let posion run through my veins
or a scorpions bite kill us
I wont let a snakes venom have me
and i wont let an eagles prey eye chase me

I wont let a compromise to myself or ones I love
get to me

I will be me
the best that i can be


Thursday, August 14, 2014

broken ideas

sometimes you must change your beliefs to resort to other methods that might be just more successful

you come first I come second
I miss my man
and how he makes me feel
I want to spend some and more time
ahead of time
baby I


am here alone and yet filled with your thoughts
that make me secure and protected
and my time here is precious even though its
for here chicano is KFC
and I am ..... different
in hope I used to know mode

everyday , I swerve a little bit to the best
but my monster self tries to destroy me
wants me to.... revert to new ugly ways
like ...

not caring

but I do care

and I want to remember that

you know like I know
that I can be better
maybe even something youve never seen

or heard

and IM scared
that jasmine will be richer than me

...but I hope God will forgive me
for wanting everything better than everyone else

I hope... that hope finds her late lost soul
and one day is early again


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

dark desires & peaceful intuitions 1

She - I dont know what she is but I am forced to interpret that sheis a breathing empty vessael, a woman anatomically but a demonised structure, abnormally moving and talking
words dangerous if she knew
her life is a lack of productive numbered walks and breaths
for she will never amount to anything except an addition to a hateful persona
that I just hate
but here I am
cornered and for once unable to actually say what i want
its funny I know I can say a couple of things ormaybe even more
for I always know what to say
and how I can say it
and dont care what it does when its on the outside
but here I am

I remember Gods meaning
- do not speak of Allah or religion if there is a chance that the other person can insult it , because of their ignorance'
and I know this is truly correct here
but also

I relaise
I am utterly powerless
for my thoughts are the opposite of her thoughts
and her mind is a landmine that I never want to enter
but then again so is mine

I am disgusted
I am blinded by the utter madnes of the world
and how the devil spins it
makes terrible things seems alirght
makes ignorance beautiful
makes shadows appear focused
and makes the strong weak

for I know what i believe in and I know Allah is mine and I am his

I feel like I want to get out of here for I did not travel thousands of miles across oceans and timedifference
to meet this ... she

but I find myself in a small town
unable but to wait for her to finish her unfathomable darkness of belief to me

and i ask myself
why are you here?
there must be a lesson
for Allah wouldnt put me here for no reason except to test me

and really
I think again
are they not all taking to the same result
like wesay
death is the same but the causes are different
hell is all the same but the reasons for entry are different

 i think about what ive left behind
people who I am dissapointed in and relatives who disgust me
lyers and cheaters and dramatic stealers
of money and time
and rippers of family
and trust


and i think of her

disgusting revolting madness
unwilling or willing unknowing of the sheet conclusion
to her fate
and health
and loss of a soul damned in hell

and I think of me

why am I so clever to think of others when i cannot think and fault me/
I have faults
i have sins
and i have troubles

so where am I?
and who am I?
and if I am so smart to know what GOd thinks of others
do I know what he thinks of me/?


to be continued?


Saturday, August 2, 2014

finding peace 1

the last  thing  I did in Sudan, Khartoum
the waft of the aroma of love peacefully comes to my mind
and as I fly,,, through skies,,, through mountains,,, through airports
one thing is on my mind

how hes such a part of me and I am a part of him
for I look at my body and think that an arm is missing or a heart

I am not whole but I am ..... sound

for my love for him makes me survive, makes me stronger, makes me happier
makes me want to make him proud

planes sit bored
and I sit not understanding lifes mysteries
suddenly i bounce with memories
last time i came through these lands
i was


and yet i still have so much to understand
and i instantly realise sadness is an object you carry aruond if you want to
or leave behind if you want to be free and i want to be free

now - I just need to close my eyes to lose those things and find existence
like ive been riveted into advancement

its peaceful here
and im peaceful here...

to be continued....

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

so angry....

am angry.... so so angry
at the , at her, at me,
at the way things have to be
wish i could just show them whos who
who right
not because i am

but because it hurts

this feeling that you think youre strong but you realise ... they were
although their life has changed and i hope it collapses like a rolling mountain down the valley with thunder and terrible storms
i hope their life shatters and she never buys another toob again
i hope they are disgusted and their souls meltiwth tragedy

and yet when i ask t hat i feel the same for me
for my heart isnt used to being so cruel no matter what

and yet
im angry
i want to be bitchy
i want to be mad
i want to shout at their face
and be horrible to them

at her

always under
always begging for approval
theyre so much bettter cleaner wiser
and yet
we beg for their approval
i hate her for being weak
i hate her for being so//// damn weak

and yet i feel the same way
i hate myself for being so weak
and so  pathetic
she just wont get it
and neither will i
and in the middle is my portal of sanctuary which sometimes is a hellfire


wish i could just be sweet to myself first
and then to to to others
but im not
im angry
so so angry



day 2 of devlish power its 2 days since they are back
it must be them that make us feel bored or mean or angry

it must be

and i must fight it even if i want to feel it

help me fight it

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Inability 1

There is no more inability
no feeling of instability
just fresness in my heart
yes I can do it
no i will not fail

No more insecurity
these feelings of anger
for they dont deserve
and i dont deserve to
for anger is just a form of pain
missing healthy silence within me

No more infidelity
to myself
always breaking my own heart
always lying to myself
always telling myself the wrong thing

now its time for honesty
isnt that what they asked?
isnt that they want?
and i dont want to lie

I want to be better first to llah
then to myself
then my sweet family

Ya Allah
i asked and yougave
and i thank you so much
please help me
and never let me be alone
Ya Allah
i want to change
 and next time im seen and felt am heard
I want to be steady
and ready
for a woman inside me yelling to break free

 Ya Allah
I dont her to cry no more
they say she cant stop talking
I cant stop crying... inside

because i see myself unable to reach my full ability
and im tired of just seeing inability

 I want to be like these nemophilas
fresh, clear, adamant, proud, strong,great  and ..... beautiful

help me -- Ya Allah

never weak, never wrong
and if I am let me be regretful and charmed by the world of understanding
for the last thing i want is to be a bulldozer of incorrect fate
just passing by
it could be like this
it could be like that
its fine
that will do
when its not

Ya Allah
I ask your help
your kindness
your beautiful intentions
for mine are all wrong
however i will try to hold them and change them
and make them
to Ramadans satisfaction

Ya Allah , please dont let me forget thesed ays
their importance
their kindness
their wishes
their hopes
their loves
please help me

Please help me fall in love with
with you Ya Allah
with my deen
with my strengths and
with my challenges
for I need to survive better than all

Ya Allah
help me
be the one you love
the one forgive
for i so badly need your assistance
and i dont want to be alone
in this world without you

Ya Allah
help me
Ya Allah

Friday, July 18, 2014

womens jail 3

am locked in a wrong body
a body so heavy
so not ready
for life
and yet
i try
to cycle again...
find a purpose
find a strength and a reason to believe
I am worthwhile
so easy
i almost deny it
but i ask myself why?
Ya Allah its only to help me
I feel so proud , so confident, so proud, so important
and yet my body fails me
a body in a state of shock, left running all the time, without a break, without understanding, a body going right and I going left
a body weak, getting weaker and heavier
and i am the loser
dont even know who i am anmore
and now
it is up to me
my faults will touch others

she says
sure i dont want to do it until im in trouble
i get mad
i get angry
sense would say you must do it if you need it

and then i shut up and think of myself
for I needed to do this a long time ago and never done it
so whos the one at fault but me
ironic and mean
only looking at others mistakes

that egyptian one
the one where the voice seperates from the insides to mean something in pain
that woman screaming or crying or in denial or anything
that sigh
the one from deep inside where it hurts
where i cant touch anymore
where i dont want to look anymore

Ya Allah you gave and i promised and I will keep to that promise

Project Bed - 1 August (to be continued)

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

dear dear Allah _

Ya Allah, I dont know how to thank you, you have given me a present so expensive and meaningful, so important to me
you keep never letting me down when i do
you keep helping me when i dont help myself
you keep remembering me even after i forget oyu
you keep thinking of ways to make my life better even when i dont
you stop my problems when i cant

ya allah
I thank you
and this new ramadan where i would never want  anything but your forgiveness i still ask and ask
and you still give and give

Ya Allah
thank you
I pray you forgive me
I pray you still want me
I pray you forget my sins
and my terrible things

and help me change
help me ......... in project BED

to be continued////////////

ps am sorry for being mean, for being like them, the worse thing in the world is to copy someone's actions, someone who is unhumane,  just because they do it to you - and that is exactly what i did.

I kept asking myself why dont i feel good about writing that , or thinking that , or being that girl
and the reason is I was brought up to be a kind woman, a woman who holds firm her beliefs and intentions are well - no matter what
taking your revenge is not the sunshine i want to fill my heart with
and i realised that all im doing is letting their venom poison me

no that is not me
i am better
i am kinder
i am faithful
i am the one who knows im right
and knows Allah will be there to prove that
and I am the one who is going to be......


to be contuned

ive let this place down - i.e ive let my emotions . feelings, goodness and sadness fall down the drain, instead of collecting them and making my life interesting and poetic no matter what im writing about

i miss writing
for me
changing and thinking and breaking free

i feel locked not from other peoples ways but from my own
i feel sad not because they make me sad but because i let them
i feel weak not because i am weak but because i see them as strong

God this is not the woman i should be

and i wont be

Ramadan countdown to the 10 beautiful nights is here
The Quran , showering our hearts till now
Ramadan the beautiful days the first time ever I am with family and friends
and I love it

ya Allah

I am here and I am here to be yours
because i love you so much

dear Allah

Saturday, July 12, 2014

womens jail 2

she breaks my heart, that one
just misery over pain
her life when you look at it beautiful and free
and yet she lives a tragedy
now in jail
a place she once controlled
now controlling her

people can be devils
devils can be people
which one are you
or which one do you befriend, do you love?

I know I chose a great man
want to write about him always
want to love him more
want to understand his feelings
and want to be there for him
want to take care of him forever
because hes changed my life for the better
want to change nice for his eyes
and be kinder from his lips
and be sweeter for his ears
and be thinner for his mind
and be easier in his life

I want to be the memories ive lost and the treasures I knew, the sunsets i used to write about and the paradises I drew - in my head and my heart - I hope ill pass these coming exams - of trials and tribulations of a woman shaky and needy - forgetful but....innocent

yet- innocence sometimes doesnt matter
for ghalia is going to prison
and she is innocent
while the guilty are free
maybe ill be locked up in my innocence
and no one will know that i was

but i really want to be me
the one I loved and respected

Ya Allah if you help me go
 I promise I'll change and be someone else
be devoted and strong and adamant
and proud
be delved into hope
find her
ill go find her
i will
ill go search under the clouds and the rain
and the red buses
and i'll search everywhere
in coffeee shops and guestrooms
until i find her

Monday, July 7, 2014

womens jail 1

Long time I didnt search for something
care about something
want something

Long time Ive been feeling in jail
unable to be the women i need to be

young and happy

Long time Im not filled with hope
just images of  despair

long time my insides are tearing, my heart is starting to change
my mind has forgotten all that is good

Long time I miss being something important
not for people but for myself
Long time I miss being something great
within myself
holdiing myself up high
in regards to the love I give myself
and deserve

long time i feel like I am no longer in control
just pushed by dark waters
into somehwere
far away

a womens jail?

am I in jail
locked up from my true freedom
locked up from what i can really do
how much i can really stay strong
locked up from the real me?

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Ramadan Taraweeh 3

I want to be happy
I want to be glamorous in soul
in love with good things

I want to be like Ramadan
pure, innocent, strong, kind hearted
filled with forgiveness and generosity

I want to be optimistic
words that come out are educated
and not primitive

I want to be educated and not primitive
want to be that glitter in heart
 that sprinkles memories over shoulders

I want to be early and not late
free and not troubled
I want to be productive
and yet
smooth like the calm ocean

never windy, never stirred
I want to be my own direction and not
a roundabout taking me where it wants to go
I want to go where I want to go

I want to be the unexpected
the open minded one
that one that respects and
not disrespectful

I want to be successful
the one who earns her own sweat and not buys it

or worse
steals it

I wonder at those and what theyve done
breaks my heart and makes me so angry i could scream
hate them
I hate them
all the things that could be terrible in a person

Ya Allah help me, I need your helo
being hateful is so negative
please help me,

Ya Allah in this Ramadan give me the power to love you and never leave you
to be kind and yet if my feelings are stronger , let me be able to control
better than anything
better than anyone

Saturday, June 28, 2014

a broken important day

I am..... lost

not through the simple meaning of the word
like I cant find myself or even cant find my direction
but I am lost in the development of a self system without the breakdown of identity
or the selling of my profits to non individuality and destruction amidst a collaborated
angst within myself that I am no longer the woman i can be or want to be and that i am one of the weakest bodies i have come across
ruralised to the extent of no sound within my soul , poverished by denial and laziness
sucking all the happiness within me living life watching teh river pass me by and i thirsty
unable to move a limb ..........

and yet when i do move limbs its at the wrong time and at the wrong place and only encourages anger
im so loud im so viscious and im so ,,, senseless
breaking hearts and sleep
never able to imagine what he may be thinking
i didnt mean to
is not enough
I wonder what challenges there may be

what challenges there may be, what horrible person inside me has come out
no more gentler or better or kinder or sweeter

just loud

now what i am i going to do
with a broken important day

Monday, June 23, 2014

wish i was never me

A mistakeful plan
so unaware of my reality
i shatter into a tragedy from my
silly tongue
my burning words
and my hurting insanity
a young girl
so naive
so ...unreal
until i get beaten down
wish i didnt talk
wish i didnt wish
wish i wasnt here

today is not a good day
no words are spoken
and i barely hold on
feeling so alone
feeling so bad
like a caused something bad to happen
without intending
here icannot be stubborn
for its like hitting on a hammer
but i deserve
for i took his happiness away

i blame the government
everything is so wrong here
so how can it not affect me?

I blame history
people who i cant shake
and it makes my heart a misery
almost like theres no space for myself to console
i have to think of them
i have to involve them
even though

they make me an urgent mess
I am a mess
hate being confronted by these and those
people already filling my gaps
and im unable to become superficial
to become better
for sometimes i fear that deep down

 no amount of henna will make me stronger

wish i was queiter
wish i was richer
in intelligence and money
and body
but wish i was cheaper
in emotions
i hate my emotions
they make me ...poor

I just feel
like i abandoned myself
dissappointing myself
wish i could shut up when i need to
and stay silent and sexy like those actors do at the right moment

wish i was never

wish i was never me

in an instant

Pink grapefruit
healthy and clean
like engine juice
like ends not loose
I feel sorry they worked so hard
but i didnt work at all
what do i deserve
what did I achieve
i feel terrible
I feel like im nothing
just a little small white dot on a white page
advancing into the future with no defense
or offense
have no goals
never a goal that came real
have no intentions
any more
no more
I am intentionless
cant remmeber the last time i actually tried and wanted to pray alsubuh on time
until some time i actually cared even though i never did it
and i gloated at myself for thinking caring was never going to go away
but now i just dont care
i think Sure God will forgive me
he will
but who am i to delve into a forbidden thought
I mean its one thing doing the hard work and
then asking for forgiveness
but hoping that it will just happen///////////////

I dont bake anymore
I used to associate baking with a lovely treasureful home filled with nice smelly things and beautiful people
now i associate it with ugliness and grease
my kitchen is cold
my soul is colder
im scared of people
more than i am of God
frightened of the future as i am

goal less

actions can change in an instant
in an instant you can become a winner
or a loser
in a second you can become something
or nothing
you can be put in a good situation or in an instant
be put in a bad one
your life can change your priorities and your future
can all change in an instant
and in an instant
everything doesnt have to be the same way it used to be............

so whats it going to be
which instant are you going to take?

Sunday, June 22, 2014

a stealer 1

imagine a stealer of your piece of mind and truth, your honesty and your kindness
imagine a stealer of your time, of your hard work , your every bit of troubles and seat
or cold....
imagine a stealer of your wisdom, your travels and your life, your dreams that you worked hard to create
imagine a stealer.....


All of me has been stolen but I want to write about a picture that stole my peace
a piece of me ripped from pain

from fragility of wanting to scream and scream
but knowing I cant
imagine.... a picture stealing your every piece of peace

 I wonder
how its done , doing something so evil and believing it isnt
making it right
not feeling the damage youve caused or the pain youve erupted

I wonder how it feels to live on the other side
isnt that what he thought>?
I am sure - daggers flying in his mind
he only wanted one thing
to be more like him
jealousy is a creative art
a malicious equipment high class

all from the devils cut
a film out of holywood
its yours to have
for you deserve
isnt that what he thought

I hate who i am
i hate what i am
i hate that i cant control any of me
i hate that i dont care anymore
i hate that i dont look good
i hate that i am lazy
and weak
i hate that im angry
i hate that im faithless

but i know i could never steal.....


could I?

havnt i stolen my goodness and sold it off
havnt i stolen my innocence
my pride
havnt i let my grandness be stolen

sometimes I wish i was that spotty teenager

sometimes i wish i could scream the truth
for i know people who have truly stolen
and i hate it
and hate me for being the weak one
my family

but lets forget those things for a while/////

what is become of yoU>
are you even there
are you disintegrated
are you even there?

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Ya Allah , a new way

am scared
to have everything and nothing at the same time
to be the last to be wronged
to be...flawed
I wanted it to be simple but something is .... off
a tiny bit of hope flickers inside but its just not there
I dont want to disturb the natural order of peace
but im at war
with myself
why is it like this?
what is wrong?
try again?
examples in my life keep popping up
it hurts to think of them
I just try convince myself im nowhere near them

Ya Allah I really need you
I dont want to be in this position
please help me and change it all
Ya Allah
Im glad i thought of it yesterday
and im glad i did it
even though it was hot and stuffy

a tiny bit of hope flickers inside
i promise myself i will no longer be the same.....
advanced creature of impatience
or the same useless woman
just so superficial

for i do believe
and i do understand
it is not up to me
no matter what i do

life is all up to God
and i just act
i could act bad
and i could act good
and i could act mad
or sad
or normal
or in denial
or hopeful

Ya Allah
I will change my strategies
and i will change my tragedies
to good things

please help me though , please

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

we have the same carpet!

we have the same carpet!
but I didnt get the carpet my fiance at that time did
to land on my floor and me overlooking it my life suddenly enters corners or squares?
turning directions can change your vision and thus your actions
a bending triangle of unconscious things.... that lead to the conclusion
we have the same carpet!

we have the same thing
something made us buy it for a show, for a house, for a memory, for an idea, for a place , for a time.....eternal

maybe cells were the same
or thoughts issued were the same
or feelings were in line
or Allah wanted me to have something
to grab a hold on to giving me even more inspiration

we have the same carpet!

today i felt so happy!
I actually did something
ive been mising, been so afraid of , been finding so hard to do
so hard to feel
even though I may not be perfect
I did it
and im proud
2 down 3 to go
am going out
am gonna try

I love my husband
hes an amazing man
makes me calm when im bubbling lava
just like the cool ice in my cup
hes sweet to me when i dont deserve

today I wanted to immerse in Ramdan
Alaahuma Baligni Ramadan

Ya Rab
let me be lucky .... today
 ya Rab am so out of touch with my body but I want to feeeeelll again
want to try again
want to live again
want to understand who I am again
want to love who I am again/////


Saturday, June 7, 2014


I miss being healthy
can you miss something you never where?
I miss being happy with every single small thing i have cellular
can you miss something you never did
I miss being in touch with every small part of me , knowing exactly the mechanisms of me , knowing precisely all that is within me, all that works for me and in me
can you miss something you never felt?
I miss doing things that are well and good
I miss saying things that are nice and kind
I miss being something that is treasureful
but can you miss something you never were?
I miss being excited, being wonderful
miss being undramataic
soulful rather than rumourful
I miss thinking about me in a me way
but can you miss something you never saw?
I never saw me excited wonderful, proud, kind, rumourless, undramatic, sweet, intelligent, and ...kind

can you become strong after the fade?
can you become coloured after all your substance faded?

to be continued

in denial

Obfuscation is the hiding of intended meaning in communication , making communication confusing willfully ambiguous and harder to interpret

he sat across from me and i sat besides her feeling like the room couldnt be smaller
all my thoughts unable to communicate how i felt
wanting to scream, wanting to shout, wanting to throw his mobile in the ground and shatter it into a million pieces
wanting to never say a single word
wanting to become the judge of my own life
wanting to ask...just who do you think y ouare you selfish coward
but all i could do was act obfuscated
lost in translation
looking at fathers killing their children out of insanity and finding that funny
I asked myself
is it really funny?
poor jasmine
laughing at her pain
I dont like who i am and i keep obfuscating the denial of cheapness within me
i keep pretending i am the good one when maybe im not
really im not
im weak
and im mean
and im angry
dont know why really
but all i know is
im getting nowhere

Friday, June 6, 2014

fragments of jasmine

Fragments of jasmine I can no longer smell her kindness
its like she was taken from us and not.... by her own intelligence
decisions that we... tried to ignore tried to save, tried to hide
and now fragments of jasmine is all i have
no longer the sweet comfort of her being..... ok
used to think it would never happen
used to think it would never happen like this
but it did and not fragments of jasmine are no more

I pray jasmine is whole and not  a fragment of her decisions
I pray jasmine is great and not ripped fragments
her decisions failing her
I pray she doesnt fail
i guess if we fail its ok
but if she fails  life will be a true disaster
I hope jasmine becomes whole
I promise i wont even speak my fears in fear they come true
I dont want them to come true
usually i am so defined i want to prove people wrong
but I dont want to prove jasmine wrong
please ya Allah
let her prove me right
i dont want to be right
let me be a fragment of misunderstanding and let her
be the happy one
the correct one
ya Allah let her be happy
and let her be ok
Ya Allah, please please help her

let her be a true jasmine able to grow and flourish and not ...wither away in dissappearance
for Jasmine will never be the same again

Monday, June 2, 2014

fragments heavy

I am a fragment
a big one
so heavy it just falls and falls
so dirty i am black with the heaviness
I am a fragment

totally a piece of something
that i am not sure what of
I am
a fragment
but heavy
so heavy it hurts
so heavy it spills
so heavy it means nothing but trouble
so heavy it burns with acid
so heavy it clashes with everything and ruins it
so heavy its pityful sorrowful pathetic

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

to be continued

Its dark and gloomy
doesnt look like a bright 12.51 pm
life changes quickly and without honesty
and im certainly not honest with myself
fooling to the soul within me as if it cannot see and hear
feel and think that I am not sick
but strong and naive
times are changing and I wonder am i the same as others I hate
short tempered
hating things that others do but i do exactly the same
being lazy
being broken as if it can nvever be fixed
being weak
being not the woman i dreamd of being

that one who has a time like gold
precious and expensive and really useful
like the resource needed
that one who knows oxygen isnt for free and will run out one day
that one who respects all from wherever they are
that one who isnt biased
that one who isnt so cruel to herself
that one who isnt so heavy in body and mind

life changes and futures become present
and the past becomes a memory but certainly a place that can make you regret or be happy of who youve become

people depend on me will i let them down?

 I depend on me will I let it down

or is my life just a piece of nothing that im using to get by somwwhere i havnt planned and dont even know

Ya Allah im tired of who ive become
and i want to prove to myself and to the ones near me that I can and am better
that I can be depended on

to be continued

Monday, May 19, 2014

a country without hope....

my horoscope told me to be careful with the one I love
but I still got wrong
maybe he'll never text or write the same way again
like a low battery until one day it..dies
like my iphone its so hard to make it work when it shuts down
I wore nice clothes today
but I still felt inferior
missing that glow inside me
purple wins browns

my horoscope told me to speak little , youll do little mistakes
talk much, youll do much more mistakes
I also didnt listen
ntil mytongue feels like my heart is burning inside it
worse than burning mouth ...
more like burning soul intertwined with a woman i just hate

sometimes I wish I could just say what i want all the time
and never have to think of the consequence
but there is security to default you
and tighten you
and imprison you if get out of line

sometimes I want to shout my dream out to my country until it coats this madness
I see clean streets swith gardenia flowers and palm trees all over
cofee shops breaking light and tea ladies becoming rich
and beautiful
  trademarks that are only here

hibiscus becoming worldwide
you can have hibiscus classic, vanilla infused, banana,hibiscus rich , karkadah pink (light), karkadah hot, karkadah ginger, karkadola, karkadah desert it would become famous
maybe it would become magic, clear the air , and heal bloods
maybe it would change genes and make everyone at peace with each other
I think of a hibiscus future a lot cuz its deep red reminds me of the richness I want my soul to have
like red gold, precious liquid
precious love, one not to be taken lightly or easily, one not to be given heavy challenges cuz its so precious and very fragile

 A new Sudan
with a million hotels and not a million sandstorms
maybe things would be so different
I wouldnt know who I am cuz I would be a different woman

and maybe then brown would win over purple
and time wouldt mean a thing
to me/////////////

(after many many years, when Sudan is different, and someone reads this , I hope hibiscus is made international and beautiful in the way  exactly dream)

stop looking at others faults and look at your own
you cant wake up at 5 am if they told you your life depended on it
isnt that enough to hate yourself forever?
see, she went to the same place after all
no better is she?
its exactly how you dont wnat to feel i know
but take a taste of your own medicine mrs and enjoy
bitter isnt it?
isnt that what youre truly afraid of?
to be unable to control things?
she pecks her newborn utterly emotionless i thought
but hey... who knows what she felt at that exact same time you thought she was emotionless
maybe she was filled with emotion more than youll ever know
who knows?

I wonder does she deep down regret things
I wonder deep down will I ever forgive myself before its too late

I feel sorry for south sudan
how can they be their own country if we share the same name
isnt it just a difference of direction
if it was me I would have made a high speed train to the beautiful south and never come back
maybe i would have found my lost things there
 the land that got cut of like an organ lost in an accident
just suture it up and move on

 all your answers are miserable, like your country
and yet you want a peaceful bond
how in the world do you imagine that possible with the way you are


to be continued..............

Friday, May 16, 2014

اقرأ هذا الدعاء

قيل أن جبريل علية السلام أتى النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم فقال :-

يا محمد ، السلام يقرئك السلام ، و يخصك بالتحية و الإكرام ، و قد أوهبك هذا الدعاء الشريف

يا محمد ، ما من عبد يدعو وتكون خطاياه و ذنوبه مثل أمواج البحار ، و عدد أوراق الأشجار ، و قطر الأمطار و بوزن السموات و الأرض ، إلا غفر الله تعالى ذلك كله له .

يا محمد ، هذا الدعاء مكتوب حول العرش ، و مكتوب على حيطان الجنة و أبوابها ، وجميع ما فيها .. أنا يا محمد أنزل بالوحي ببركة هذا الدعاء و أصعد به ، و بهذا الدعاء تفتح أبواب الجنة يوم القيامة ، و ما من ملك مقرب إلا تقرب إلى ربه ببركته .

ومن قرأ هذا الدعاء أمن من عذاب القبر ، ومن الطعن والطاعون وينتصر ببركته على أعدائه

يا محمد ، من قرأ هذا الدعاء تكون يدك في يده يوم القيامة ومن قرأ هذا الدعاء يكون وجهه كالقمر ليلة البدر عند تمامها ، و الحلق في عرسات القيامة ينظرون إلية كأنه نبي من الأنبياء .

يا محمد ، من صام يوما واحد وقرأ هذا الدعاء ليلة الجمعة أو يوم الجمعة أو في أي وقت كان ، أقوم على قبره ومعي براق من نور – علية سرج من ياقوت أحمر ، فتقول الملائكة : يا إله السموات والأرض ، من هذا العبد- فيجيبهم النداء ، يا ملائكتي هذا عبد من عبيدي قرأ الدعاء في عمرة مرة واحدة . ثم ينادي المنادي من قبل الله تعالى أن اصرفوه إلى جوار إبراهيم الخليل علية السلام وجوار محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم

يا محمد ، ما من عبد قرأ هذا الدعاء إلا غفرت ذنوبه ولو كانت عدد نجوم السماء ومثل الرمل والحصى ، و قطر الأمطار ، و ورق الأشجار ، و وزن الجبال و عدد ريش الطيور ، وعدد الخلائق الأحياء و الأموات ، و عدد الوحوش و الدواب ، يغفر الله تعالى ذلك كله ، ولو صارت البحار مدادا و الأشجار أقلاما والإنس والجن والملائكة ، و خلق الأولين و الآخرين يكتبون لي يوم القيامة لفي المداد وتكسر الأقلام ولا يقدرون على حصر ثواب هذا الدعاء.

وقال عمر بن الخطاب رضي الله تعالى عنه ، بهذا الدعاء ظهر الإسلام والإيمان .

وقال عثمان بن عفان رضي الله تعالى عنه ، نسيت القرآن مرارا كثيرة فرزقني الله حفظ القرآن ببركة هذا الدعاء.

وقال سيدنا أبو بكر الصديق رضي الله تعالى عنه . كلما أردت أن أنظر الى النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم في المنام ، أقرأ هذا الدعاء .

وقال سيدنا على بن أبي طالب كرم الله وجهه ورضي عنه ، كلما أشرع في الجهاد . أقرأ هذا الدعاء وكان تعالى ينصرني على الكفار ببركة هذا الدعاء .

و من قرأ هذا الدعاء وكان مريضا ، شفاه الله تعالى- أو كان فقيرا ، أغناه الله تعالى

ومن قرأ هذا الدعاء وكان به هم أو غم زال عنه ، وإن كان عليه دين خلص منه ، وإن كان في سجن وأكثر من قرائته خلصه الله تعالى ويكون آمنا شر الشيطان ، وجور السلطان

قال سيدنا رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم : قال لي جبريل : يا محمد ، من قرأ هذا الدعاء بإخلاص قلب ونية على جبل لزال من موضعه أو على قبر لا يعذب الله تعالى ذلك الميت في قبره ولو كانت ذنوبه بالغة ما بلغت ، لأن فيه أسم الله الأعظم .

وكل من تعلم هذا الدعاء وعلمه لمؤمنين يكون له أجر عظيم عند الله وتكون روحة مع أرواح الشهداء ، ولا يموت حتى يرى ما أعده الله تعالى له من النعيم المقيم . فلازم قراءة هذا الدعاء في سائر الأوقات تجد خيرا كثيرا مستمرا إن شاء الله تعالى .

فنسأل الله تعالى الإعانة على قراءته ، وأن يوفقنا والمسلمين لطاعته ، إنه على ما شاء قدير وبعباده خبير والحمد لله رب العالمين والصلاة والسلام على أشرف الخلق أجمعين سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه والتابعين إلى يوم الدين .

*_ الدعاء _*

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

لا إله إلا الله الملك الحق المبين، لا إله إلا الله العدل اليقين، لا إله إلا الله ربنا ورب آبائنا الأولين، سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين، لا إله إلا الله وحده لا شريك له، له الملك و الحمد يحي ويميت وهو حي لا يموت بيده الخير وإليه المصير،وهو على كل شيء قدير.

لا إله إلا الله إقرارا بربو بيته، سبحان الله خضوعا لعظمته، اللهم يا نور السموات و الأرض ، يا عماد السموات الأرض ، يا جبار، السموات والأرض ، يا ديان السموات والأرض، يا وارث السموات والأرض، يا مالك السموات والأرض ، يا عظيم السموات والأرض ، يا عالم السموات والأرض ، يا قيوم السموات والأرض ، يا رحمن الدنيا ورحيم الآخرة .

اللهم إني أسألك ، أن لك الحمد ، لا إله إلا أنت الحنان المنان ، بديع السموات و الأرض ، ذو الجلال و الإكرام ، برحمتك يا أرحم الراحمين .

بسم الله أصبحنا و أمسينا أشهد أن لا إله إلا الله و أن محمد رسول الله ، وأن الجنة حق ، والنار حق ، وأن الساعة آتية لا ريب فيها ، و أن الله يبعث من في القبور . الحمد لله الذي لا يرجى إلا فضله ، ولا رازق غيره. الله أكبر ليس كمثله شيء في الأرض و لا في السماء وهو السميع البصير.

اللهم إني أسألك في صلاتي ودعائي . بركة تطهر بها قلبي، وتكشف بها كربي ، وتغفر بها ذنبي ، وتصلح بها أمري ، وتغني بها فقري ، وتذهب بها شري ، وتكشف بها همي وغمي، وتشفي بها سقمي ، وتقضي بها ديني، وتجلو بها حزني ، وتجمع بها شملي ، وتبيض بها وجهي.

يا أرحم الراحمين اللهم إليك مددت يدي، وفيما عندك عظمت رغبتي. فأقبل توبتي، وأرحم ضعف قوتي، وأغفر خطيئتي، وأقبل معذرتي، وأجعل لي من كل خير نصيبا ، والى كل خير سبيلا برحمتك يا أرحم الراحمين . اللهم لا هادى لمن أضللت ، ولا معطى لما منعت ، ولا مانع لما أعطيت، ولا باسط لما قبضت ، ولا مقدم لما أخرت ، ولا مؤخر لما قدمت . اللهم أنت الحليم فلا تعجل ، وأنت الجواد فلا تبخل ، وأنت العزيز فلا تذل ، وأنت المنيع فلا ترام ، وأنت المجير فلا تضام ، و أنت على كل شيء قدير. اللهم لا تحرم سعة رحمتك ، وسبوغ نعمتك ، وشمول عافيتك ، وجزيل عطائك ، و لا تمنع عنى مواهبك لسوء ما عندي ، ولا جازني بقبيح عملي، ولا تصرف وجهك الكريم عنى برحمتك يا أرحم الراحمين . اللهم لا تحرمني وأنا أدعوك ... ولا تخيبني و أنا أرجوك . اللهم إني أسألك يا فارج الهم ، و يا كاشف الغم ، يا مجيب دعوة المضطرين ، يا رحمن الدنيا ، يا رحيم الآخرة ، أرحمني برحمتك . اللهم لك أسلمت، وبك آمنت، وعليك توكلت ، وبك خاصمت وإليك حاكمت ، فاغفر لى ما قدمت و ما أخرت ، وما أسررت وما أعلنت ، وأنت المقدم وأنت المؤخر . لا إله إلا أنت الأول والأخر والظاهر و الباطن ، عليك توكلت ، وأنت رب العرش العظيم . اللهم آت نفسي تقواها ، وزكها يا خير من زكاها ، أنت وليها ومولاها يا رب العالمين اللهم إني أسألك مسألة البائس الفقير- وأدعوك دعاء المفتقر الذليل، لا تجعلني بدعائك رب شقيا ، وكن بي رءوفا رحيما يا خير المئولين ، يا أكرم المعطين، يا رب العالمين . اللهم رب جبريل وميكائيل و أسرافيل وعزرائيل، أعصمني من فتن الدنيا و وفقني لما تحب و ترضى ، وثبتني بالقول الثابت في الحياة الدنيا وفي الآخرة – ولا تضلني بعد أن هديتني وكن لي عونا ومعينا ، وحافظا و ناصرا.

آمين يا رب العالمين


اللهم أستر عورتي و أقبل عثرتي، و أحفظنى من بين يدي و من خلفي ، و عن يميني و عن شمالي ، ومن فوقي ومن تحتي ، ولا تجعلني من الغافلين . اللهم إني أسألك الصبر عند القضاء ، و منازل الشهداء ، و عيش السعداء ، و النصر على الأعداء ، و مرافقة الأنبياء، يا رب العالمين أللهم ارحم والدي و اغفر لهم ما تقدم من ذنوبهم و ما تأخر, اللهم اهدني أن أكون خير الأبناء.

*امين يا ارحم الراحمين.

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -