Saturday, June 28, 2014

a broken important day

I am..... lost

not through the simple meaning of the word
like I cant find myself or even cant find my direction
but I am lost in the development of a self system without the breakdown of identity
or the selling of my profits to non individuality and destruction amidst a collaborated
angst within myself that I am no longer the woman i can be or want to be and that i am one of the weakest bodies i have come across
ruralised to the extent of no sound within my soul , poverished by denial and laziness
sucking all the happiness within me living life watching teh river pass me by and i thirsty
unable to move a limb ..........

and yet when i do move limbs its at the wrong time and at the wrong place and only encourages anger
im so loud im so viscious and im so ,,, senseless
breaking hearts and sleep
never able to imagine what he may be thinking
i didnt mean to
is not enough
I wonder what challenges there may be

what challenges there may be, what horrible person inside me has come out
no more gentler or better or kinder or sweeter

just loud

now what i am i going to do
with a broken important day

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -