Monday, June 23, 2014

in an instant

Pink grapefruit
healthy and clean
like engine juice
like ends not loose
I feel sorry they worked so hard
but i didnt work at all
what do i deserve
what did I achieve
i feel terrible
I feel like im nothing
just a little small white dot on a white page
advancing into the future with no defense
or offense
have no goals
never a goal that came real
have no intentions
any more
no more
I am intentionless
cant remmeber the last time i actually tried and wanted to pray alsubuh on time
until some time i actually cared even though i never did it
and i gloated at myself for thinking caring was never going to go away
but now i just dont care
i think Sure God will forgive me
he will
but who am i to delve into a forbidden thought
I mean its one thing doing the hard work and
then asking for forgiveness
but hoping that it will just happen///////////////

I dont bake anymore
I used to associate baking with a lovely treasureful home filled with nice smelly things and beautiful people
now i associate it with ugliness and grease
my kitchen is cold
my soul is colder
im scared of people
more than i am of God
frightened of the future as i am

goal less

actions can change in an instant
in an instant you can become a winner
or a loser
in a second you can become something
or nothing
you can be put in a good situation or in an instant
be put in a bad one
your life can change your priorities and your future
can all change in an instant
and in an instant
everything doesnt have to be the same way it used to be............

so whats it going to be
which instant are you going to take?

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -