Tuesday, July 31, 2012

the bigger picture - the better woman- Day 12

Number 44
Please dont give up and say you are beaten
remember you are better
you just dont know how to show it
you are kinder
you just dont know how to give it
you are wiser
you just forget in the midst of trouble or fury
please dont be angry
anger is never the correct method to proceed
remember what you want
but you must work
and stop feeling jealous
for I dont understand
it is she that must be jealous of you
a beautfiul young passionate

dont lie to yourself
but dont lie to yourself
dont be so hard on yourself
but dont let go of all the reigns
dont be so soft
but be tamed and light and sweet
liek a cool breeze in the desert
or the most beautiful flower in the world
or the kindest smile on earth
or tbe best voice for this faith
dont be rough and sharp around the edges
smoothen yourself
and smoothen your heart think about what it is you want
Omar Ibn alKhattab
sae the bigger picture
have you?

Ramadan beaten at day 12

i am the circle of attention
and i hate it

i am also the square of laziness and confusion
and drama
and i loate it

yesterday i thought
i ama new woman
stronger kinder
but really what have i done to do this


i am the triangle of depsair
always in angles unable to get out of
always broken
never have i stressed myself to be stronger
so i dont find myself in a situation
i hate

I am tired
i am really tired
and i am sad that i have to take advice from a beautiful girl
who is frankly truly and honestly
better than me

wiser than me

happier than me
imagine she talks to the man of her dreams
about me

what should I do she says?
he kindly as he hugs her to sleep or maybe having dinner or while cuddling in tv says
no dont tell her
you stay out of it my dear

she listens to him
and does exactly as he says


education education

Education education
the key to life
the master of all good
 education education
from mudded houses to vast complexes
education education
all one aim to better
to achieve higher
to learn new things constantly
new things new things
imagine if everything new you learnt you got a gold medal
how many gold medals would you have ?
a 100?
a million?

education education
the simple but very hard strain on life
the wonderful and magnificent gier but in return wants your attention your time your effort
your devotion and only then will it guve you success
and moeny
and happinness
education education
time time
is short
power power lays unturned
Hope lays still

education is the key

Falling to be one of the old
to be one of the new
to learn new things
and to become a new woman
falling to love power and grace
omar ibn alkhattab
is my heart and soul
a man of truth and honesty
bravery and kindness
love and faith
i would have felt safe in this world if a man like that was in our world
in our whole world
it would have been right
it would have been just
it would have been worth living for a dream like that
to have men for islam
good islam
the right islam

I wish upon men like omar ibn alkhattab now
not the ones with sexy bodies or expensive cars
i wish upon the men like omar ibn alkhattab now
not the ones who flirt nice and who know a some cool slang

I wish upon men like omar ibn alkhattab
a real man
a true man
an amazing an successful man

i wish upon education
and happinness or Muslims like he did 

Monday, July 30, 2012

Day 11 - how can i be so ugly

How can I suddenly die like this
falter like this
fall like this
break like this
feel misery like this
in these wonderful days
how can i succumb like this
surrender like this
feel sorry like this
feel down like this
be weak like this
in these amazing days
how can I be lost like this
non beliveing like this
non understanding like ths
non blooming likethis
jealous like this

in these beautfiul days
how can i be so ugly?

Sunday, July 29, 2012

so choose day 10 - the start ofthe secon third

I need to be better I ask myself
can i really be two people at the same time
I ask myself
can i really want to things at the same time

i cannot
it cannot be
my mind is alwaystorn
my heart is always exhausted
my soul is always mad
my body is always confused

I cannot be both women
the one who loves god and faith and wants to be simple and pure ,smart honest and gives her time truly to A heaven

and the one who is naughty and has wild dreams and crazy ideas and is jealous, lazy, stubborn, short tempered and wastes her time in pathetic desires-----
I cannot



what woman do you want to be not just in ramadan but in life
what woman do yo uwant to be
do you really think you deserve these big honest changes good dreams like this?
do you really think you can do both
you have to change hope
your sentiments and joys must change
your smiles must advance
your emotions must strenghten
your meaning must be rediscovered

everything in you
must flower and bloom
like a rose in the desert
a message in the sea found
a stolen gold retrieved
a melting land in the middle of the ice

everything inside you frozen must thaw
and all that was stolen must berestored
and messages once lost must be told
and rose isolated must remain in bloom and never stop believing

Day 10 - confused instead of peacefull in every cell

Day 10
I am confused
messed up in my thoughts
my heart and soul and mind and body are each in a different place
and yet i want to be one girl can i?

 no way
ill just end up with a broken life

i must bring t hem all together
i know my faith is the only thing that will definiteyl do that

nothing else can intervene
i want oter thhings yes
sometimes my inner self beats and i dream
of doing wrong things
of chasing things in this world
and then i think of the other side
the calm peaceful confident knowingful girl
and i get embarrased i cant do the best in here or there
my work s hsattered
my heart is bruised
my soul feels guilty all the time
my ears hurt
my eyes are trying to mend
and my body is tryinh to look good

i am in too many pieces
cant u see?

a sentence im off
a scene and im gone
a story and im lost
a song and im in love

its all wrong

hope dance for you
live like ur gona die tomoro but also that your gona live forever
be happy dont let thesechains bring you down
you want so many things
you can have htem all
you never know
do you/
but dont let the bad side of you get you down 

Day 10

Day 10 a third gone
why is it I always cannot
i always cannot
why is it I am worried or I am sad
why is it I am never glad
why is it I am afraid or I am in denial
why is it I am worried
when my god is iwth me always
i know ive done wrong
but i have also done right
i know i have done mistakes
but i have also asked to be forgiven
i know i have wasted time
but ive also////////not replaced it

Ya RAb help me
it is in your hands not her s
but i ask you to help me
Ya Rab
Ya Rab
thank you for all youve done for me helped me and i ask you to complete me
and save me and keep me safe
and protect me from myself first
why is it i find things hard/
becasue i am lazy
weak? bored?
becasue i am not faithful enough
Day 10
what have i learnt from Ramadan?
times can get tough
but you must perservere
and continue 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Late Day 7

I am not happy
i am paying for my mistakes
i just wish God will forgive me
for I cannot forgive myself
YA Rab dont let me look a fool
in front of myself

I need you to help me
fight me
beat me
win me
and never lose the battle that is never ending

I feel
tormented with weakness


Early Day 7

I wonddabout staying up at this time
its strange moments go strange at 1.19 in the morning
I feel these minutes are the boders of the new day and yet it is not really here
so what shuld i do i nthe merging of times?
prayfaithful thinking
and not wishful thinking

1.20 am
I watch the haram and all the people circling around
praying to be forgiven to be new to be strong to be happy to be healthy to be wonderful to be smart to be in heaven to get away from hell
i love ot watch them and I feeli am a part of thm even thuoghi am so far away
each one with a story the young te old the rich the poor from all over the world all over
i love to watch thm and think all thosepeople all those placestoone area onespace in thecentre of the earth they meet htey join they love
all the same faith all the same love of GOd if they have reached beyond the perimeters of this sacred beauty
I fee cloe o each one of them and yet sofar

i think abuot my prayers and what i wsh upon lfe to happen to me and what iwsh upon me later
in those times tat are scary to me and i feel afraid of

ish uold turn with them
Ya RAB let me go there one day
s i can pray ith them change with them be closer like them
Early Day 7
i lost the plot day 4,5, or was it Day 5,6, ? or was it 4 4 and 6? ive lost the plt i promised myself this ramadan wouldbe energetic woul be peaceful yet powerfully strong
would be adamant to change
and i
 am geting weak

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Day 5

She is a better woman than me
lighter cleaner calmer
i am heavier
dirtier  madder
she's bright fresh and energetic
im lazy
dark and dull

shes  fashionable
im not

she has beautiful secrets
i can see her happy
i can see me sad

I can see her tiptoing in the mignight clouds drinking cold water and feeling .....wise

I can see myself snoring drooling and when i wake up pains go all over my body i feel dumb

I can see her with a man she loves and a man that loves her

 ican see myself alone

I can see her win
i can see myself lose

i can see her go out anda enjoy

i can see myself
inside and closing life away

i can see her
i can see myself

which one would you choose ?
RAMADAN comes so we can become better people
no worse
not afraid
not angry
not dull
not afraid
no fear
just from the one above
just frm the one above

so why am I so afriad
from my waek lonley ugly self/?

really what am I fasting for?
is itn ot to clean all this inner back up of time
is it not to get lighter
calmer cleanr
is it not to become the better girl
is itnot to change to believe
to admire life
and to win?
is it not to win
?So why am I losing
why am I losing
fast and rapid loss
quick sand
is underneath me
and i am close to suffocating
and I'm close to living or dying
for i see living half, living and feeling down is like dying and its worse
becasue dying is done and your done and your somewhere youll never know till then
but now your here and youve missed all the goodin life because of a bad woman inside you

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Day 3

Day 3 is not a good day
ive slept
ive dreamt
ive lost my plot of goodness
its not ok just to do what you wnat hope
everything has a price
sometimes you dont even know the price it may be very very expensive 
ive become someone else
i can say right now when the day has not yet been completed that i am unhappy
can i conquer?
will say later
can i make my soul combat the fight and win ?
will say leter
can i keep this day on my days of wellbeing and strong Ramadan

 I think on the merges of DAY 4 I deserve to be better stronger wiser calmer more beautiful
I deserve to win
and all this negativity muust go
Dear GOD
i ask  you today and everyday to forgive me to love me help me and change me for the better
please do not let me give up or fail
please do not let me be alone in this fight
I ask you to help me in every step i do and carry out
i ask you to help me Ya Rab and lt me be some one you canbe proud of
not just

ya rab i want to be someone
more than anyone

Ya Rab let me mean something for this beautiful faith
let my name mean something good and let me do good for others
Ya RAb
i ask you to help me
repeated and repaeated i ask you to help me 

Day 2

I think why someone would put anything above God ? it makes me angry mad sad and then afraid

it makes me angry that i think of other peoples failures andnot my own
ir makes me mad that i may have put a sin or a pleasure or something above God one day
It makes me sad that i could have been weak like that one day
it makes me afraid that i could forget something so important like my faith my beautiful fath

I wat to become a woman and no longer a girl
i want to be beautiful for what i do and feel and say and become
i want to leave my troubles and pains behind
i want to be amazing
and kind
i dont want to be hopeless no mre
i want to be filled with hope
filled with trust
filled with time for God and faith and honesty
and bravery
just a little bit of the past the right moments in time
that have left us
i want to bring some ofhtem back

i want to be unique
Day 2 i dont want to settle ever
i dont want to settle for anything
i dont want to feel down or useles or second

some people are born to be the first
theycannot survivie if they are not the best
i want to be one of them
and i dont mean that in anyway arrogant or selfish
i mean in it everyway of Ramadans mercy icould possibly mean 

Friday, July 20, 2012

Day 1

Day 1 - a peace surrounds me and encapsualtes me with love
I feel protected from myself
 my sins my pains my dramas
suddenly its like someone put hte mute button on
or the pause on a movie
watch yourself
who are you
what is it that you want
who is it that you want to be
what kind of woman
suddenly air becomes still and every movement means something else
the normal becomes special the
lost become found
the alone become together
the hungry learn to feed their souls
for i think to myself
is this how hungry my soul is?
for i have not watered it with enough prayers
or fed it with enough of gods words
if i could feel my souls hunger like my stomachs hunger
i would surely crave to feed and water it
with what it needs

today  everythign is beautiful from the simple to the compicated
everywhere i found peace today
from the morning to the end
strength will come
faith will grow
its like giving an antidote for an infection
or finding a cure for a disease
my ears listen
my eyes can see
my hands can feel
my body can heal

Thursday, July 19, 2012

DAy 0

every year i usually have a 100 posts pre ramadan ramadan this ramadan that

this year i have nothing
ive always had nothing
since i gave up on myself
since i forget empowerment love and what it feels like to really love someone something
GOd faith respectively
feel bruised
i feel ashamed

God im so tired
so breakable
so reusuable
recyclable but without hte goodness

close the tv and facebook
and wonder where my hear is my mind my heart
where are they for right now i cannot see them hear them feel them
right now itsl ike someone has turned on a never ending radio in my head
making me unable to hear the real sounds inside me
so loud
unable to stream the real live vision the real thing
i feel empty powerless and stupud
i feel un muslim in everyway
everyway of me
is unmuslim
and while i know the devil has worked well to make me feel liket his
it is still my fault for letting him
for not stopping myself
for this for that
Ramadan you are here like flowers blooming in this cold dew morning of one bright day
you shine like a new sunrise upon the people of sorrow
like me
unfaithful your magic spins the pain into petals
and scents of perfume bliss
true stuff
none of that fake stuff now
if i close my eyes
i can hear birds in the distance coming near
swimming int he sky
i can see the clearness of day and the cold of its memory
touches my skin
orange velvet dusk
light blue white
petals of flowers by
i see out beyond me a far horizon
a line where earth meets sky
one day earth will meet sky
like how my eyes trick me but it will be real
like my real smile
my real eyes glowing from happinness kindness
NO i will not see anything but natures wisp of breeze
i am smiling because i know a lot and i feel a lot
i can feel cells of passion around me
drops of ray
cells of time freeze for me to find me

cells of time freeze for me to find me 

Monday, July 16, 2012

Tide swept or anchor ?2

just imagine if for a few days, hours and time you could be free
i mean totally who you want to be
have everything you need
fresh air
and power

imagine if you could do it all
see it all
feel it all
live it all
mean it all
have it all

imagine if just a few days you are not damaged
you aren ot broken
you are not mad at yourself
yo uare not sad with yourself
you are not shattered

imagine if you were otherwise

too far eh?
always too far?
always flying away you are
always away
you are always far far away

in space someplace

with turmoil

imagine if you could be the meaning of hope


Sunday, July 15, 2012

Door 9: TRAP door back to door 1

IN life you open doors that turn out to be mistakes
now ive done this opened the wrong door
and ive found im back to door 1 : stabilty
I am lost otherwise for if i let it i will live in this trap
i will be nithis trap forever
1 day is not the same as one year
a mistake ive done in the past

so learn from yoyur mistakes not live in them
pass them and learn the next time you get to door 9

So Door 1: Stability of health mind and bosy
education love for faith faith in yourself your freedom your love

broken hero

destruction to perfection lies underneath the undergrounds of sin
I feel like ive been hit by a freight train
I could hear its nooise I had time to move
but I didnt 
and I got broken, damaged and badly badly destroyed
handicapped in the heart now
traumatised in the soul now
lost in body now
stolen from mind now
gasping for a smile now
gasping for me
Ifeel like Ive been thrown from a plane without anything to save me 
no parachutes of support
no other guide
no lifetime of hope to help me
just me and nothing to save me 
and as the air pushes me into the other --- life
and as the birds laugh at my weakness and eminent death
and as the trees and mountains and other pieces of peace look so innocently maybe with a tear in their eyes
maybe with a lancing pain at my voluntary jump
i think so this is what it feels like to die/
this is what it feels like to be helpless and unlike movies or even reallife I am powerless to change my fate

how long now/
I feel like ive given myself up to be locked away
in the worst of prison
prison of satan and friends
looks nice from the outside
but inside you eat flesh of time and boiling blood of heart
this is not where i should be 
but here i am where i shouldnt be 
lost angry
In that jail cell the key lies infront of me 
i can see even have it 
and yet i continue to look at it and suffer
I feel like 

ive been tricked
ive been shattered
ive been lied to
ive been lied to by myself
ive been fake 
ive been pushed back a thousand steps 
 a thousands roads
a thousand memories
a thousand hours
a thousand feelings of rage
a thousand dramas
a thousand scenes
a thousand licks of dirt
a thousand times my eyes will say guilty 
a thousand losses
a thousand expenses thrown away 

I feel 
like ive never felt before
and a like a brokn hero

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Ramadan...Tide swept or Anchor?1

let the world suddenly pass me by
you see this is what i do
choke when i succedd, when get near and when can see alight i throw dirt over it

I've lost success
even though i had it
here I am
waiting for answer I knw I dont deserve
what i deserve is

here i am waiting for a result i know will NOT come like this

I need time?
I need a push?

How pathetic

how pathetic
my drive is gone
my checking in with reality
my understanding of hope

who are you


Ramadan is coming and this year as usual as anything else will I be swept wit hthe tide?

or will i become the anchor

this is my Ramadan entries

TIDE swept or Anchor 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Door 8: timE to balance, time to remember the rest

I listen to what ive always wanted to do
its rejuvenating exciting
i am so happy finally

but when i turn there are still other prts of my life untouched
power cut
dark and tired
like before
its like i have taken all my energy and condensed it into this one thing

but not so great
what about faith?
what about reading?
what about the mind
what about everything else

my body is listening to me
everyday i feel a little part of me come back
as i lose pain and misery andweakness

words are no more sharp
i am getting stronger physically anf mentally

but i am still listening todevils
i am still not fully in control
i must be awareof thisfor
if you dont know the dangers you will falli nthem
balance is what you need
balance is what yourequire

you have awoken from a deep sleep but dont go to sleep in other areas and only stay awake here

dont what does god mean to you? 

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Door 7: Forgiveness

I enter a forest withthorns and wildfire
angry and flamed my heart beats dry
amidst all these pangs of madness I

cry for the ppast
for otehrs for myself
for him

my eyes drive my fear
I see what i not want and want what I see
forest of darkness
twisted devils bruise
 me and shados consume me of a terrible fight
within myself
a battle that fumes
black anger
anger why

forgiv e


forgive me
forgive me and forgive yourself
clouds collect faster nearer

forgive all that youve done and start over
clouds rain
with every faling teardrop it erases somewhere hard
somewhere i dont need to be
rain comes
with a functino
to save me
and i let myself be


happinness exist

change will only come to those who let that cool rain of forgiveness come
God forgives all
and you must forgive yourself
and be kind to yourself like it has been kind to you

but you must alos be kind to others
think of others
who are still in a dark forest
or scared

in pain

forgive reality
forgive existence into a foretold misery
forgive the past

 give your body the present of forgiveness
dont ever let your body down........

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Stolen dreams 1

the closest person to me hurts me with a stab
kills me with an emotional knife
but its for good ...they say
i feel my body die a million times each time
hurt a thousand more
cry a billion tears of  emptiness
for being in this hard journey
and having no one to help you or understand you
or know you

be with you

I dont know

God i want to be strong
but sometimes it so hard
so so hard

i dont to suffer like eyes torn from destruction of minds
and memories useless amidst a beautiful picture


nothing torments me more than this emotional type of wicked kindness
but i deserve it
i know
but i feel my heart breaking

 my dream
has been stolen
but hten again
i think
how many peoples dreams have been stolen in life ?
too many 
beautiful girls and boys
with stolen dreams

and i 
i am one of them 

Monday, July 2, 2012

July is here _ what a beautiful month _Ramadan is in it

Dont stop now
Dont stop the fight
Pray pray pray till the heat from the light
with all its might

Dont stop
not now
only determined people are clever

you must continue
you perservere
but most importantly you must believe

Ya RAb help me today
help me tomorow
help me now
help me later
help me always
help me get the things i want
for the thigns i want are astarting to get hard
becasue ive jumped up my bar
ive raised my bar
and i need your help so bad to keep it there
ya rab i ask you to help me
in all the aspects of my life
for ive started anew chapter
a new happily ever after
with you in my heart
and i beg you to help
thsi month is beautiful
I cannot wiat
 even though i am afraid
but its just my soul being hungry already for all the wrong things
 but i am teaching it and changing it
and soon
i will arrive

Ya rab
help me get the things I need
and the things that will make my paretns happy
Ya Rab
I must make them happy
I must
Ya rab

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -