Sunday, July 15, 2012

broken hero

destruction to perfection lies underneath the undergrounds of sin
I feel like ive been hit by a freight train
I could hear its nooise I had time to move
but I didnt 
and I got broken, damaged and badly badly destroyed
handicapped in the heart now
traumatised in the soul now
lost in body now
stolen from mind now
gasping for a smile now
gasping for me
Ifeel like Ive been thrown from a plane without anything to save me 
no parachutes of support
no other guide
no lifetime of hope to help me
no 
just me and nothing to save me 
and as the air pushes me into the other --- life
and as the birds laugh at my weakness and eminent death
and as the trees and mountains and other pieces of peace look so innocently maybe with a tear in their eyes
maybe with a lancing pain at my voluntary jump
i think so this is what it feels like to die/
?
this is what it feels like to be helpless and unlike movies or even reallife I am powerless to change my fate

this 
is 
what 
it 
feels
like?
how long now/
I feel like ive given myself up to be locked away
in the worst of prison
prison of satan and friends
looks nice from the outside
but inside you eat flesh of time and boiling blood of heart
this is not where i should be 
but here i am where i shouldnt be 
lost angry
remorseful
In that jail cell the key lies infront of me 
i can see even have it 
and yet i continue to look at it and suffer
yes
I feel like 

ive been tricked
ive been shattered
ive been lied to
ive been lied to by myself
ive been fake 
ive been pushed back a thousand steps 
 a thousands roads
a thousand memories
a thousand hours
a thousand feelings of rage
a thousand dramas
a thousand scenes
a thousand licks of dirt
a thousand times my eyes will say guilty 
a thousand losses
a thousand expenses thrown away 

I feel 
like ive never felt before
useless
and a like a brokn hero
 

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -