Thursday, July 19, 2012

DAy 0

every year i usually have a 100 posts pre ramadan ramadan this ramadan that

this year i have nothing
ive always had nothing
since i gave up on myself
since i forget empowerment love and what it feels like to really love someone something
GOd faith respectively
I
feel bruised
damaged
lost
mad
insensitive
cruel
i feel ashamed
angry
weak
tired

God im so tired
so breakable
unmanagable
so reusuable
recyclable but without hte goodness

I
close the tv and facebook
and wonder where my hear is my mind my heart
where are they for right now i cannot see them hear them feel them
right now itsl ike someone has turned on a never ending radio in my head
making me unable to hear the real sounds inside me
ssshshhshsshshshshshshhsshshshshshsshhshhshshshshshsshshshs
so loud
unable to stream the real live vision the real thing
i feel empty powerless and stupud
i feel un muslim in everyway
everyway of me
is unmuslim
and while i know the devil has worked well to make me feel liket his
it is still my fault for letting him
for not stopping myself
for this for that
______________________
Ramadan you are here like flowers blooming in this cold dew morning of one bright day
you shine like a new sunrise upon the people of sorrow
like me
unfaithful your magic spins the pain into petals
and scents of perfume bliss
true stuff
none of that fake stuff now
if i close my eyes
i can hear birds in the distance coming near
swimming int he sky
i can see the clearness of day and the cold of its memory
touches my skin
orange velvet dusk
light blue white
petals of flowers by
i see out beyond me a far horizon
a line where earth meets sky
one day earth will meet sky
like how my eyes trick me but it will be real
like my real smile
my real eyes glowing from happinness kindness
strength
NO i will not see anything but natures wisp of breeze
i am smiling because i know a lot and i feel a lot
i can feel cells of passion around me
drops of ray
cells of time freeze for me to find me

cells of time freeze for me to find me 

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -