Thursday, April 29, 2010

Priority Dreams

What are my Priority Dreams???

Right now, I have two dreams

To learn Quran - The pieces I knew and forgot due to carelessness in my life, and to continue learning new pieces continously

To lose weight and have the body I imagine - To have power over my image, I - Only

The time given is the least amount of time, working as hard as possible but not being unreasonable and never stopping - not letting anyone affect or detiorate me anymore -

God - God is my only Love and devotion and I am in pure existence with his word- I am living to dream for his message only blessed by the magnificent gift he entailed upon me - Faith

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

re- form

Reform the necessary

into extra - ordinary

a life becomes a glory

if u look at things from different views and angulated patience
strength is not wicked but can be clicked into the timings of dissappearance

everything turmoil will be a memory

Substituting the dramatic efficacy of pain

no longer I strain

to think true and real and intentionalised with attitude, For I love God and I have not been dedicated

destruction to perfection lies underneath the undergrounds of sin

and sin erupts like volcanoes angry

blowing ashes -
across the world
and the stars

darken and the galaxies get smaller

of the ones I used to see

filled with the inflation of my dreams and fantasis

I am no longer in recession

I am no longer lost

I know exactly what I want

so reform to beautiful places

and new bodies wil come

learn the meanings and the words

and you have power to control

even your deepest horrors
transform the weak soul
to one.....

Monday, April 26, 2010

It's Simple

Its simple.... I do not know what every kind of love is.. I am yet to find out

Whether it is here or in another place

I am yet to find out

I do not know how it feels like to be loved by someone

Its simple

God has not written those things for me yet

and until then... I am free... I am free

A few days or even hours ago I could cry

I could make wrong with the world and everyone in it

I would be sad and lonely

and now


even after words that could hurt

or ideas that could make me turn

I feel strong

I feel calm

I feel


to only Love God

For yes...

That is the one love i know

the onle love I truly can feel and have

and to have it returned


a life changing day

For life is simple when you Love God

and everything is correct

I want to be like this



I feel like my soul has been released

from prison or from hell

I feel like my mind is cleansed

with wellbeing

and nourishement with Gods words

I feel like I understand

why I am here

what I want to do

and most importantly


reach out to my dreams and catch them

for time

is never stopping

and I have stopped for long enough

my clock has stopped for a queit time with no ticking or heartbeat


Saturday, April 24, 2010

Sunglasses in an airport shop

I.... pick up the 540.89 Sterling Pound Dolce and Gabanna Sunglasses, lying elegantly on a glass shelf of an airport shop... everything is white and pearl and sunglasses pose for eyes to meet them... fall in love...make someone special
As I see this dark black, perfectly fitting shades with crystals shaping stars on the side, I cannot resist walking on the other line, I cannot resist becoming someone else, for just a while- So I wear it, I use it and then....
I look at myself,
I cant see my eyes anymore, tired, worn and ugly
I can only see the black silk of expensive make - proud on my face, suddenly turning me into a superstar, hiding all my flaws and my secrets, I stare at myself, the girl with the beautiful designer sunglasses with all the real dreams and the real life,
for a second, for a moment , everything went still, as the mirror reflected nothing but everything I Ever wanted, ... Hiding sadness, for at that moment, even I couldn't see sadness,
I stood there, as the sunglasses protected me from my burnt tears,the hot heat of lies and pain... I felt sanctuary in front of that tiny rectangle of glass that showed me who I could be, how people could see me - ...

" Excuse me, we have sale on today if you buy any sunglasses more than 150 Pound sterling, you get 10% off... Do you like these?''

I could afford these I thought, techniquely I could buy these sunglasses, buy my way to hiding my thoughts and fear, Hide my faults and my traumas... and most of all hide my tears, I could cry behind these glasses and know one would know, I could frown and my eyes can scream and beg for help and know one would ever hear... I could buy these sunglasses I thought....

'' Yes Thank you, But I was just looking around''

I gently took them off & placed them back where they belonged,

I could buy them I kept thinking, but I could never hide from God, All my mistakes - Will always be there
hiding behind 5 star glasses, crying Phalestinans would still see me and ask me... we deserve Your love more

No - It is not the answer...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

in the morning

When morning comes
Life turns into beauty and existence is rewritten, the falls reilliterate time and the world revolves around power, around 3 in the morning layers surrender to Gods call, asking if anyone desires to be answered, they awake to memory, to love, to true passion between the relationship crystal with God and his obeyors, I feel intimidated at the offer I refuse, at the gold I return for I ...sleep,
I sleep through skies and planets turning, through colours and dawn breaking, I sleep when angels come and go, fly and cry at my ignoance
I sleep when my dreams can come true, all my dreams can come true
I sleep when I ....die

For as the dawn breaks and the sunset makes a new day.... everything cha nges
all the souls leverage into their seeping bodies like me... yet some, some are ready and steady, some are praying and saying

GOD forgive me
God help me
God change me
God love me
God forgive me

they start the day afresh and at least without regret
hours on their time
they are in control of their eyes, their happinness, their despair
true despair
They are in control
for they lack treason
and lies
they lack sadness
for they have trusted in God
they have given their life to god
and in return

they fear nothing

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Separating Hope 2

Devil: Oh this is so normal! she hates herself - starts to ask for forgiveness, soooo poorly its funny to watch, like... barely putting her hands up, something just to pass the sorrow, and looks to the sky and says... God forgive me! , Ya Rab! and gets up and has tea, exactly the way I planned

Soul: To be continued...

Heart: I feel like all the air is coming witout coming to me, I am suffocating, I am a heart that is suffocating, in this dirty cycle, in this pain of mess I live in, in this disability to change

Devil: ha! change? oh I love that word, I can change anyone , change them t forget their goodness, change them to forget their meaning, why theyre even here, I can make time pass so quickly yet so slowly, drag them into this space where they are neither dead or alive, just... passing time

Soul: Everytime it happens, Everytime, for so long now, it's been happening - I... Love it... ICannot stop... Ic annot stop changing, Icannot stop ....

Heart: You dont' know what your talking aobut ! Do you hear me hey! listen, you dont know what youre talking about, you're changing that is right but you don't know what the hell yourechanging into

Devil: that's right! - let her be hypnotised like that , let herjust keep changing , she doesnt know what she's changing into.. besides why should she decide!!! I decide!, I decide what she does!

Soul: to be continued

Separating Hope 1

Separating Hope as if separation was something I wanted....

Devil: this is getting so easy

Soul: All Ican think about is the things I don't have

Heart: I am so unhappy

Devil: I am becoming a proffesional at breaking her apart, ripping her heart apart

Soul: I Can't htink about anything but my dreams, but my passions

Heart: Ican't do this anymore

Devil: Remorse, Regret, I will Pile them on her like never before but still like everytime, this baby is mine

Soul: Ican't breathe from my imaginations, nothing is real anymore

Heart: All i feel is betrayal, from myself ,from who should be the closest allies to me, from myself

Devil: Ha! She looks awful, she feels ugly,... ha! from all her mistakes and new ones I helped her with...she is... UGLY

Soul: I don't know what's right from w rong anymore, All I know is... I love to dream, I love to feel that adrenaline deep down when it goes right in my head, when i can see the actors and I am acting but it feels real...that;s all Iwant to do.. Pretend

Heart: But pretending is useless, its time wasting, it's.... Heart breaking

Devil: Oh Shut up, bothof you, these wordsd are time wasting... just let me get back my energy and ill go back to hurting both of you again, to seperating you again

Soul: I want to be a dream, I want to be something I'm not

Heart: But if you listen to me.. You know that is wrong, you know you are hiding and running from your problems, you just want soemthing, anything powerful to make you forget.. but forget what?

who you are? whats your name? where you come from? wat you live for?

Devil: This soul will never learn, no matter what you say to it, no matter how you feel ... it will always cry blood, and then turn and scream for more ha! I am sure, I am sure... it is way too weak for a lovers kiss

Soul: To be continued

Sunday, April 4, 2010

The Treatment Plan

The treatment is an emergency
The treatment must begin now
The treatment plan must include:




Remember Quran
Read Books
Less Internet

More exercise
Wake up early
Eat better

Drink water water water
See life as the gateway to heaven
See yourself as the creator of your dreams

Only you can create dreams
Only you can make the change
Only you can think differently

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Eytan & Kevser 2

Eytan & Kevser 1

I fall in love again
So bad it hurts
so fast i cant concentrate
i cant imagine anything else
i cant stop listening or breathing or making
this dream come alive
like other dreams???
I dont know
I know I never do as I say
but today
i feel like....
Im stepping into boundaries I never felt
or knew
or wanted
I want to imagine new things
I want to become a new person
I need to do this because
... I am in love with car parks in phalestine
and I want to be the lover I never was
I want to be the woman I've always wanted to become
like heaven in store
buying treasures of change
my god
it's amazing when someone changes so well
perfect perfect perfect
I cant stop anymore
its too perfect

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -