Saturday, April 24, 2010

Sunglasses in an airport shop

I.... pick up the 540.89 Sterling Pound Dolce and Gabanna Sunglasses, lying elegantly on a glass shelf of an airport shop... everything is white and pearl and sunglasses pose for eyes to meet them... fall in love...make someone special
As I see this dark black, perfectly fitting shades with crystals shaping stars on the side, I cannot resist walking on the other line, I cannot resist becoming someone else, for just a while- So I wear it, I use it and then....
I look at myself,
I cant see my eyes anymore, tired, worn and ugly
I can only see the black silk of expensive make - proud on my face, suddenly turning me into a superstar, hiding all my flaws and my secrets, I stare at myself, the girl with the beautiful designer sunglasses with all the real dreams and the real life,
for a second, for a moment , everything went still, as the mirror reflected nothing but everything I Ever wanted, ... Hiding sadness, for at that moment, even I couldn't see sadness,
I stood there, as the sunglasses protected me from my burnt tears,the hot heat of lies and pain... I felt sanctuary in front of that tiny rectangle of glass that showed me who I could be, how people could see me - ...

" Excuse me, we have sale on today if you buy any sunglasses more than 150 Pound sterling, you get 10% off... Do you like these?''

I could afford these I thought, techniquely I could buy these sunglasses, buy my way to hiding my thoughts and fear, Hide my faults and my traumas... and most of all hide my tears, I could cry behind these glasses and know one would know, I could frown and my eyes can scream and beg for help and know one would ever hear... I could buy these sunglasses I thought....

'' Yes Thank you, But I was just looking around''


I gently took them off & placed them back where they belonged,

I could buy them I kept thinking, but I could never hide from God, All my mistakes - Will always be there
hiding behind 5 star glasses, crying Phalestinans would still see me and ask me... we deserve Your love more

No - It is not the answer...

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -