Sunday, April 29, 2012

A new paragraph 3

A Dream to be Original and Yet Subtly Similiar to Magic, A Dream to be unimaginably soft and meaningful strong and yet filled with the sunset aroma of fresh night, A Dream that may or may not come real but may come true , If you just believe A Dream of a girl who wants to fight and win who wants to have this as her prize, Who wants to share it with the one but who want the one _ God to be the only one to give it to her - Love

i ask myself

I ask myself
what holds me down
lack of faith
I ask myself
why lack of faith
I dont know
I dont know why i have this lck of faith within me
when i once used to own myself and al that i believed in
I dont know the answer
all i know is that im unhappy
and very out of touch with myself
and waht i am
and waht i want
i think god
has given me this time to think about it
when he didnt give the time to others///////

Friday, April 27, 2012

what is it that i want 3

I have a lot of dreams
too many of them maybe
that i cannot hold them all safe 
 and then all I can see and all I can hear
is when they fall
and shatter to the ground

and i wonder have i tried everything
have i worked hard enough
have i asked the right way
and have i admitted my mistakes

I think
is this what i really want
to show
to dance shyness away
to stare faith right in the face and leave
to act
to state the fact that i can only barely pass

I think
what is it that i am capable of doing
and how fast am i capable of doing it

packs and pack of tries that have failed in my head
 something has to change
and its not going to be in  my amount of dreams
its not going to be in their quantity

Today is too new

new day
new way
never again a broken day
even if fallen
even if mistaken
new age
new page
new station
as part of the forgiven nation
even if wrong sensation
new life
the right wife
in the right time
new stop
for new go
new accelrator
after a newpause
new cause
new chance
never a past glance
new steady
even if not ready
will be ready
and it will not be heavy


new paragraph 2

unable to wake at5 and see the view
and taste the air
i fall aslep in the damned of weakness
and yet i insist to make myself a new paragraph
to write a new paragraph
for happinness can be rewritten
and can always be created
through the heart and soulful mind
i think to myself i wish i was sitting in that picture
wonderign about lifeand love drama and sense , what i really want and what i really need
how far away am i and how near am i
how beautiful am i and how strong am i
and can it all be healed
i think
who would be with me
that is left unanswered but i know
i know
that it wil lbe someone who also wants to
rewrite happinnes
and who feels amzing when with me
and who wants to be with me
and who loves me
drastically unchanged
and yet similarly different
I listen to a radio station miles and miles away to feel close
the world is strange
and i feel even stranger
bbut i am happy
and i promise myself that i will write my paragraph
opening middle and end
 that way i want to write
the words that i want to use
the style i want it to be in


new paragraph 1

I have a lot to say
in private
in dreams
in magical repair
I have a lot to give
in song
in words
in tune in harmony
i have a lot i want to offer
i want to start
a new paragraph
a new page
a new life
with you

with you
i want to do it all
love and fantasy
with you

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

a detour

A line of magic, a new portal of difference, a road with different journey
even if today
you always have two choices to make
and if u think for a second more or try a minute harder
you can change your life
because the things you hear, the images you see the way your mind is affected
can drastically change everything
the key is strength
and the want to want something different

 i love to write poetry
or words
i feel like i really did love to write poetry
and that i deserve a new chance to write

I feel like a new window i opened
an old door i closed
a new gate i unlocked
and i am
i am
walking away

 no more compromises
no more weak strategies

 walking away
and ill never stay
in a broken day

no more running
no more chasing an evil fantasy
no more surrendering
no more acclimitising

i refuse to be driven away
from the true things i love
from the dreams
the good ones

I am not like everyone else
I am hope
and i love it

its time to get a good vibe
no more pulling up at red lights
just green
and a brave pedal

cinnamon queen
and african queen
modern queen
and smart queen
lucky queen
diva queen
faithful queen
and certainly not a drama queen
and this is how i will do it
from now on

the stronger i get
its like flavour comes back into my pores
and life flows back in my veins
and love springs back into my bounce
and the angels can reenter my home
and my heart

two souls entwined in the blink of an eye
its that simple
and only then will i turn to you

if i day dream about you
then it must feel right
otherwise its not special
or diffrential from lacking

i cant deny the way im feeling
overjoyed that i took a detour
and it feels like a true dream
a beautiful reality
and all thats on my mind and all that im thinking is
what can i do to make it last as long as possible

i starting to link future motorways
with todays highways

Monday, April 23, 2012

and yet probably

and yet probably at that same time another woman was giving birth
or a beautiful couple were getting married and starting their lives together
or a mother was waking up to feed her hungry child
or kissing their foreheads goodnight so they start a new morning
or a husband was coming home from work
or having a nice warm shower
or drinking a cold glass of milk
a man might be leaving the hospital after a car accident
or a girl is listening to her favourite album
and yet probably a romantic movie on mbc 4 is on and a turkish series followed
of love drama and despair
and yet probably at that moment
a car stopped at a traffic light and another one was geared to go...and went
a cinema was showing movies and in it new couples were kissing at the back
while others were studying for exams
and some were at war to survive and open a future for their families
at that same time
a piece of news was on aljazeera and a programme on bbc
a red london bus stopped at a bus stop
underground trains stopped at stations and
planes landed
at that moment aiport messages spoke for people to fly
at that moment reception was called
and food was eaten
love wasmade
and conferences were executed
education learnt ..just downstairs
and yet probably at that moment an mp3 was downloaded and a song replayed
a book was opened and a library was closed
and yet probably at that moment i will not know what i was doing
but if i close my eyes i can see i was a part of life
not a part of death

tell me..what is the difference ? or are u scared to compare>

There was a girl out there in the world that felt there was no way out that life was not worth living and that whatever her problem was she couldnt fix it
There was a girl who gave up her breath, her heart, her soul, her health for death
There was a girl so far away in distance from me even though we met once before
but she decided to go even further in distance and travel light years that we never meet again
and yet one day she wore yellow the colour of happiness, the colour of sun , the colour of spirit
but that same girl decided to wear black and dissappear
There was a girl who had a life but she gave it up
not for faith
not for love
not for country
not for anything
she just lived
a small years to die
we are all going to die
i sit here and think we are all going to die
and yet all i feel right now is how i lucky i am to be alive
for in a way my batteries have been charged from her same charger
and her mind has been set from the same substance
i wonder waht the last thing she said was
or what the last thing she ate was
or did she wash her face when she woke up that morning or did she brush her teeth
i wonder what the last song she listened to was
or what the last words she read were
I wonder when was the last time she was happy 
I wonder what she felt when she suceeded did she feel anything or did she feel it all

I wonder about the thin thin line between life and death
between sadness and happiness
between love and hate
 between life and death

that girl had a chance but she didnt take it
that girl had healthy legs and hands and eyes and ears but she chose to silence them
that girl had time but she chose to sell it

I have everything that girl doesnt have now

I think to myself am I not doing the same ?
I may not be dead but I certainly live like I am 

Sunday, April 22, 2012

I feel frustrated

I feel frustrated
that all i have is these doubts
when i dont want them or need them
but they come to me
and i cannot give them up

i feel frustrated that what i want and what i do are two totally different thing
tihnking like a queen acting like a beggar
dreaming proud, living under a dark cloud
feeling vast love , for the one above
and yet unable to show him how i feel
because priorities take over
and make me slower
and leave me lower

I feel frustrated that i have so much
and yet i feel so little
becasue faith is not in my arms
weakness is

I feel frustrated that time is contolling me not i it
that love is sanctioning me rather than freein me
that power is demanding rather than liberating
and that lies are winning rather than the truth living

I feel frustrated that i knw inside me i have so much more to give
and live for
and I know that i want so much more
but its like im not aboard
like ive been thrown over
by accident or delibrate
doesnt matter
what matters is the ship
is sailing forwards and
i am behind drowning

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I feel tormented

I feel tormented that i have wasted so much time
all this time
and now have barely time to do the thngs i had so much time to do
I feel tormented that no one tormented me but myself
  that here i am 2.12 am thinking about things i shouldnt be thinking of
and wanting things that i dont deserve
and feeling pain in all the right plces

my bleeding heart
my useless soul
my unforgiving mind

here i am feeling ashamed for all the unshame of forgotten time
i feel tormented that i have spent more hours onf acebook than hours reading the quran
that inshallah tomoro
im going to have barely enough time to breathe
just about

I ask you in this strange and beautiful night let me continous in my freedom
YA RAB you deserve the bbest

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I feel debilitated

i feel debilitated that i have been debilitated all day and now all i have is to write about it
i find it heartbreaking that i do not want something to happen and yet without even my awareness my consent or my control it happens
by me
I see it aching that i am aching for all the wrong reasons
I hear it unbarable that I am like this unable to hear anything but debilitation
of hunger, of power, of strength
of want of need of demand of answers that need questions
I find it debilitating like i am chained
stuck glued blocked
unmanaged by time
like time runs me by
like life flys through me every minute and the seconds addd up to be a day
day into days into weeks
into months
into failure
i find it debilitating that there is not answer to my pain
that there is no medicine for my trauma
that there is no conclusion to my action
that there is no success after my failures
I find it debilitating
consumingly painful
large deposits of lack and shortage
i find it debilitating that all my words together dont mean a thing
that all my meanings dont mean one
that all my ideas are immature and that all of me is immatre
and yet the picture is huge
is wrong
is unforgiving
I fnd debilitating that others are doing things
big thngs
and it will be the turtle and the rabbit
I will lose even though I started off fine
and strong
and otehrs will win even thougg they began slow and wrong and terrble

I will lose
I find it debiliating
that i am an empty vessel
for the devil to sink his dreams in
for the devils to clear their ideas through
and for the devils to have home in the night
i find it debilitating how I let them in my system and hypnotise
control and empower
diminish all my tries
and exxagurat emy desires
until the blaance s tipped and i lose control
not once is there a no
the devil
i say no

I find it debilitating that i am here useless like this
locked up inmy own freedom
keyed in with my own key

broken into and my soul stolen
rummaged around with and my heart taken

I find it debilitating that i am powerless to stop
so i fall
time and time again

I find it debilitating
 that i am like this


i find it debilitating

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

i feel embarrassed

I feel embarrased from my faith
my beautiful faith and dreams
I feel embarassed that i am jealous from waht others have even though i have it!
i cannot explain but i feel embarrased from time from wonder wrong
from explicit trauma of power
and i feel embarrased that i am only getting older but i am not going forwards
 i feel embarrased that i am weak
and unable to maintain anything i desire
i can only maintain waht my soul watns
and its funny
how my soul and I
we want the same things
and yet the outstanding pictures are two totally different things

i feel embarased from you my god
from you my deen
from you my covering faith

I have lost hte world time and time again
 ihave lost time over and over throughout
i have forgotten about memories good ones
and strength living through hope and sanity
and good deeds
i have remembered only a small portion of madnessa nd wickedness
and i feel embarrsed that i am loking at life through this sad and small porthole
one without light
one without

Monday, April 16, 2012

Piercing a Fantasy 2

I breathe in the khartoum air - its 7.36 pm the intermediate intervel between maghrib and isha boundaires azans getting ready to speak out for the final time - the rounding of prayers for a final day - a new day - my day - i see car lights hushing through the streets whispering stories and passing memories
i see shops opened and filled with foods yet pockets empty i smell bread packed in clear plastic bags packed for my romantic heart - dinners of fool and falafel i see colours of baklawa just upon the bridge to cross the nile - its a lightened dark of myseterious images ones hearbreaking ones heartmending - the sound car our sound car takes me where i want to go home and in it is  him - the soldier ive always asked for dreamed for - he is tired from a long day of work and yet he is prepared to save me anytime - the radio softly beats musical rythmyms i do not really know and yet i am so familiar with the echoes that blend english tunes my body likes with sudanese voices my mind hears - a strange communication with a far away submission of history present with time - he turns the stirring wheel with one hand knowledge on his mind faith in his heart - sweat on his soul - life on his street and tired eyes on his lips but he is calm and brave driving khartoum -, i can see him breathing though his shirt , he rests his hand with our wedding ring on it on his lap, brushing my life with it as he goes moves - he is a smooth escapade of love and family my family - working all day and then collecting me from a mornings contribution of extended aunts and cousins - 'did you have fun baby ?' I pull my hand out to touch his forehead , he smiles and my lips curl with happinness - 'are you tired ?' yeah i had a long day at work' ... but he takes my hena'd hand of flowers and leaves and kisses one flower and then follows a leaf with his lips my breath stops at the stoplight - his lips forming strength on my fingers, temptation everwhere elese  i want to love him forever - im going to love him forever - a big coca cola poster looks at us - tempting us to drink it cold and dark in this hot and dark evening of fallen night - 8.01pm we are close to home khartoum heart beats dissolve into me and i into him - he makes my heart shine and my fears tremble and run - ' im so full from dinner ' you liked it ? i'm glad - he stares at the red light to change and i stare at  him - I cant help it no longer - 'I love you' he hears me but he doesnt say anything --to continued

Friday, April 13, 2012

what is it that I want 2

I feel sad now that I have been writing so sadly
it may not even be writing it may just be a collection of sad words
I am only sad that I feel like this
the actual point of my memories makes no sense
just a collection of useless dreams
true dreams are way more powerful and they dont make you sad

so I am still searching
what is it that I want ?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

untitled sadness

i've never been like this before
so low
so weak
so out of sync
like a broken programme
like a rusted piece of disused machinery
dying in a forgotten scrap yard in the middle of nowhere
unheard by noone
unknown to no one

Ive never been so out of line
so out of rythym
I dont even know who I am
no more
I dont even know who I am\\

Ive never felt so misunderstood
by myself
like im talking to myself in a foreign language
like ive moved into a new place i dont even know how i got to it

Ive never been so ill focused
nothing mtters to me anymore
i dont want anything anymore
i dont want to be anybody
I dont want to know anything

just my dreams and my fantasies

Ive never been so out of reality
like everything is somwhere moving on and
I am here somewhere else

Ive never been like this before
avatar like

when i close my eyes i become the story that is exciting that is alive
but im still not the woman i want to be

ive never been like this before


Saturday, April 7, 2012

Hope 1

Concentration of dreams
A woman I want to become
and yet be different from

Accumulation of images
to make up a story
that reminds me of life
of real life
my life

that what i need and want can
come true

I see it
I feel it
but I don't have it ...yet

I think of the words, the eyes, the expressions, the stories, the moments, the anger , the love, the mistakes, the truth, the strength, the ideas, the little things, the big things, the want, the yearning, the fighting, the patience , the past, the future, the young, the mature, the innocent, the rain, the wind, the wilderness, the city lights, the car lights, the small streets, the beggars, the winners, the flowers, the freshly baked bread, the dinner table, the study room, the magnificence, the necklace, the tears, the time, the night , the jealousy, the plaits, the mandarines, the connection, the peace, the war, the wrong, the right, me

within me there is a woman who wants to fight, live, and never die for life
there is a woman who wants to be better, happier, stronger
there is a woman who wants to be adamant strong independant
but not like this

the chronicles are over
the series is done
the pages are turned
and the story of 6/7 years has finished

it is time for my first episode to begin
for my story to start
for my feelings and emotions to be written for my words to be said, it is time for my challenges to be lived and my clothes to be worn, for my mornings to be woken and my nights to be flawless, it is time for my days to be told and my drama to be heard, it is time for my eyes to glisten and my hair to shine, my heart to beat and my soul to listen, it is time for my fears to be hidden, and my patience to be given , time for my story to be told.

but every story has a title
and my title is


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

what is it that i want 1

I ask myself what is it that i want
and i realise i do not know
but more importantly I know
what i DONT

and i think to myself
this is what i thought i wanted for so long
and when i saw it in front of me
i realised i felt nauseated with such existence
i realised this is not my existence
i realised this is not what i want
i realised i felt shallow
and superficial
and there was more to me
than what i ever thought

there is more to me than what i ever thought
anad i thought what is right?
what is wrong

wont my ears and eyes know
how come i dont know

I thought

this is wrong
and what makes me feel right is my faith
and my strength comes from within
and my memories
are all strong if faith is involved

but hten i tihnk
i know i want love
but i only know the iceberg
i only know the tip
and ii dont know anything at all

I dont know anything at all

and then i tihnk

maybe that is ok
in fact this is what i want
not to know anything at all

Monday, April 2, 2012

I never usually_43 back to the start

I have so much to say to you 
but I feel
i feel like all the words in the world won't be enough to describe even a little bit of how much i love you

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -