Tuesday, April 17, 2012

i feel embarrassed

I feel embarrased from my faith
my beautiful faith and dreams
I feel embarassed that i am jealous from waht others have even though i have it!
i cannot explain but i feel embarrased from time from wonder wrong
from explicit trauma of power
and i feel embarrased that i am only getting older but i am not going forwards
 i feel embarrased that i am weak
and unable to maintain anything i desire
i can only maintain waht my soul watns
and its funny
how my soul and I
we want the same things
and yet the outstanding pictures are two totally different things

i feel embarased from you my god
from you my deen
from you my covering faith

I have lost hte world time and time again
 ihave lost time over and over throughout
i have forgotten about memories good ones
and strength living through hope and sanity
and good deeds
i have remembered only a small portion of madnessa nd wickedness
and i feel embarrsed that i am loking at life through this sad and small porthole
one without light
one without ......me

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -