Tuesday, April 10, 2012

untitled sadness

i've never been like this before
so low
so weak
so out of sync
like a broken programme
like a rusted piece of disused machinery
dying in a forgotten scrap yard in the middle of nowhere
unheard by noone
unknown to no one

Ive never been so out of line
so out of rythym
I dont even know who I am
no more
I dont even know who I am\\

Ive never felt so misunderstood
by myself
like im talking to myself in a foreign language
like ive moved into a new place i dont even know how i got to it


Ive never been so ill focused
nothing mtters to me anymore
i dont want anything anymore
i dont want to be anybody
I dont want to know anything

just my dreams and my fantasies

Ive never been so out of reality
like everything is somwhere moving on and
I am here somewhere else

Ive never been like this before
mad?
maybe
uncorrected
wild
avatar like

when i close my eyes i become the story that is exciting that is alive
but im still not the woman i want to be

ive never been like this before

ever

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -