Friday, April 27, 2012

what is it that i want 3

I have a lot of dreams
too many of them maybe
that i cannot hold them all safe 
 and then all I can see and all I can hear
is when they fall
and shatter to the ground
lifeless
useless


and i wonder have i tried everything
have i worked hard enough
have i asked the right way
and have i admitted my mistakes
???


I think
is this what i really want
to show
to dance shyness away
to stare faith right in the face and leave
to act
to state the fact that i can only barely pass

I think
what is it that i am capable of doing
and how fast am i capable of doing it

packs and pack of tries that have failed in my head
 something has to change
and its not going to be in  my amount of dreams
its not going to be in their quantity


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -