Sunday, January 27, 2008

Scarce answers

Maybe I love too free
But isn’t that the way love should be?
Without restrictions and evaluations
Just growing temptations
To find out more –

Maybe I love too blind
Never investigating what I find
Only exploring the feelings in my mind
And how your touch is so kind
To my heart-

Do I think too crazily?
That love can be forever baby
That it only has an honest policy
Never a judgmental story
Of appearances and glory

Am I too hazy?
In believing love can heal problems
Shining as a beautiful emblem
Against life’s sharp edges
Cracked and fake ledges

So am I wrong?
When I type love protects
Writes over tears and regret
Am I wrong and should forget?
All that love once meant?

Maybe I love too free
Maybe I love too blind
Do I think too crazily?
Am I too hazy?
So am I wrong?

Questions with answers too long to fit in my head
Wrestling for a space where my emotions once bred
Now battling to configure the prestige from lies that I’m fed
Surfacing to remember the directions of the path I tread
Blatant confusion and whispering perfusions of a theoretical madness take me to wherever I’m led
The trails of my wish list devour the knots to when nothing was said
And only dreams bled – and all my sensations were dead -

Khartoum heartbreak 1

Under a tropical glittered sky lay Khartoum's urban exotic rhythm where Africa’s secretive magic rushed past tribal black down way streets and dark alleyways forgotten by electricity yet bursting with tranquility, culture that slept so alive from the taste of moisture of love - Until I remember it tried to sprinkle the fantasy over our back garden and it suddenly collided into 2 souls that terminated the continuation of the 'Sudanese dream' - You - I - everlasting love falling in between.
The Sun began to lift its face over the country so as to shine the existence of a newly beginning day - Rays stretched far and wide through schoolbags of young children skipping to classrooms and cheap transport of tricycled motors boycotting hot desert traffic against the background of swiveling young youth perspiring to work trying to overcome the nomadic modernity. As those rays strengthened their will to give soul to the land its light pouring through our open morning driveway the light was trapped by the boundaries of 2 hearts who only reflected darkness and shined blackness to each other's world.


U lit my heart, using the stars as a lamp
But suddenly ………
My mind was blank, in waters of heaviness I sank
Deeper and deeper I fell in the creation
Of darkness and empty realizations
I/me what is it that I should see/be?
I wanted to find out what it was all about
And not be tricked by anxiety and doubt
So through the portal of dreams I tried to reach you
The crystal transferred the magic broken/unspoken
And every spell was too late to change fate
I shut my eyes and begged for a dream… classic
Magic, magic fix what is tragic

He doesn’t see me in this poisoned reality
So heal him with any beautiful remedy
Let me tap him with some corner of my existence
And change him unchanged to the change of brilliance
The potion of honor, tell him where it is so he can discover
A new part of his soul – a new place behind this wall
Where he can grip the corners of his soul

Why did I go through this?
Why did I worry with all this pain?
Is it worth all the broken memories?
His loss in my heart
His ways living in my soul
And I wonder about him day and night

In the distance –
So far away under the same sky’s existence
But through oceans where salt corrodes all love and words
Rusting all the promises in the depth of a blank drowning smile
Why did I remember his shining armor?
That swept the night and he became my knight forever after

He left a hollow in my dreams for me to fill with emptiness
I fantasized the reasons why he would understand my weakness
Yet fall in the strength of love
But mystical arrangements failed to achieve magic --

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Ledges of time

Life cut through me like slices of unforgotten cake
The sweetness poured out of me till I couldn’t feel existence no more
There was a moment in time when I was suspended in time – the corners of my reality slowly merging with the motorways taking me out of this world
I felt unknowing, unwilling to go back but to go forward –
My cracked mind had split in 4
Depression, weakness, strength and failure
Stardom of confusion gazed upon me through a lens of maddening questions that needed answers
Click click click – my pictures were taken but they didn’t know I was sleeping –
Flick flick flick – my life rolled by so involuntarily I didn’t realize I was dying -
My eye lids shut a long time ago - before the light of their photographic pain came running in to haunt me
I smiled ghostly at the irreplaceable camera that breaks my soul time and time again
Winning the shadows of my sadness, achieving all the right roles of my madness
I couldn’t stop thinking anymore – too young yet too old for this fall
All my flat balance started to curve inside me – the ledges of time began to stop supporting me – I was too heavy now with all my raging fears, with all my flooding tears – with all my withholding cries – with all my nauseous tries - to keep standing up.

Spells attack and love fights back until tanks are empty from willingness
Promises shrivel and youth cripples so there is only ageing darkness
Fears nudge and distance shrugs at looking back to change things
Pains rise and nobody tries to fix broken wings
So angels fall and tunnels call to hide from it all
Confusion stares at everyone’s care to leave an unnecessary struggle
That I have to fight so I give up through the night and become part of an invisible jungle – collectively as the shot of a terrible angle – but now I rest – strangely quickly – my breath reacts to the forgotten eternity – of ledges of time supporting me –


Dreams strangled
Hopes mangled
Fantasies tangled

Love parted
Distance charted
Hurt started

Weakness grazing
Promises dazing
Imagination ageing

Kisses breaking
Hearts aching
Lovers faking

Forever darkening
Fear larkening
Misery harkening

Loss beginning
Misunderstanding winning
Pain spinning

Hugs tearing
Never caring
After me – after all
I love the way you love me
I love the way you talk to me
I love the way I dream our future to be
I love the way I make you out to be
I love the way I need you
The way I ………………..
I hate the way I get so jealous
The way I can't stop thinking about you
The way I don’t understand, why I understand so much
I hate the way we are so far apart
I hate the betrayal of not having you near
I hate the regret of you not wiping my tears
I hate crying all the time about you
I love when I smile because of you
I hate to think what you think of me…………….
I hate to think how wrong it would be………

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Life in ransom 1 - Torn Love

This is a new idea called Life in Ransom - where all emotions and ideas are put through a ransom note to explain meaning - This is the first one - TORN LOVE

Away in the night
No light
End in sight
Worrying times
Refusing change
Tragic feeling
Crazy love
Miss - Divided / Divided Love
0% warm
Losing ur beat
need ur beat
More difference
Dancing fears
Sunk chance
clear warning
Reality Blind
Finished beauty
Fear the decisions
Massive open secret
Easy restrictions

Monday, January 21, 2008

Sudanese men!!!

This is a really funny way pure of sudanese culture in expressing mens ways of odd thinking and their even odder actions !!!
!!!!!!!ممغوووووووووسه من الرجال
من زماااااااااان وانا الرجال ديل رافعين لي الضغط... راس كبير على الفاضي: ! عليك الله رافعين نخرتم على شنو الناس الجضومم بيقوم فيها شعر ديل؟؟ الواحد فيهم لو غشيتي زي الشافع بيتغشى ليك...
الفصل الأول
:قبل الزواج:
اسمعي يا عسل... ايه رايك نمشي المطعم الفلاني... قلتي غالي؟؟ ما في شي بيغلى عليك يا اعز الناس ...
بعد الزواج :
نجيب فول من الفوال البرة ليه؟؟ انا جايب ليك قدرة من سوق ليبيا بالشي الفلاني عشان نخسر قروشنا عند الفوال؟؟ مرة مسرفة!! لا .. و الظرافة قبل الزواج: انا بصراحة ما بحب الملاح والحاجات دي بحب البيتزا والمعجنات وهو كان شمه ريحة ام رقيقة حيلو يبرد ويجري عليها واهم شي يشتريه في عفش البيت الصاج... واحلى شي لما يقول ليك قرووووووششششششي وانا حر فيها : ياخي يقرش حلقووووومك ( سوري على الدعوة دي بس من زماااان نفسي اقولها ).... المرة من الفجر تصحي الاولاد تحشي السندوتشات تعمل الشاي تنضف البيت تعمل الاكل وهو يجي الساعة 3 من الشغل ويعمل فيها بني الاهرامات براااااه : تعبان وزهجان و ما داير يعمل اي شي ... مرتو بعد شغل النهار دا كلو تغسل عدة الغدا وتبدا تقري الاولاد وبعدين شاي المغرب بعدين العشاء يعني قروشششششو دي: شرااااااااااكة بينم امال هو متخيل انه اتخق عشان يتخدم بلووووشي....
دقيقة اشرب موية باردة واجي ريقي نشف من الغيظ.
: الفصل التاني:طلباتم الغريبة
الواحد ياخد بت الناس من بيت اهلها و يكون داير يبكي من الفرح ما مصدق انه رضت بيه.. بعد شوية يبدا النقة: نكدية.. سمينة/ضعيفة ... ما بتهتم بنفسها ... بيتها مااااا نضيف شديد... طبعا مفروض النهار كلو زي تور الجر ...الاولاد لازم تقريهم يطلعوا من الاوائل والبيت يكون زي القصور ( وهو كان قالو ليه جيب ملاية جديدة يقرب يبكي!) و مفروض يكون شكلها يكون نانسي عجرم( او هيفا وهبي عشان المكسرين في هيفا ما يزعلو) وهو كان قالت ليه كوفير ساااااااي يسمعها بيان تفصيلي بالمنصرفات عاد هو تعايني ليه تلقي الصلعة لياقة القميص بي ورا والكرشة مدورة وكبيييييييييييييرة و ما عاجباه مرتو !
الفصل التالت:
التعامل :
طبعا الرجال بيحاولو يقنعونا انه اسهل طريقة للتعامل معاهم الكلمة الحلوة والدلع ... عشان تدلعيهم طبعا ... الواحد يعدل نضارتو ويحك جلحاتو و يديك نظرة حنونة ويقول ليك: عارفة دايما بيقولو الرجل ( مش الرااجل) زي الطفل كل شي ممكن معاه بالكلمة الحلوة واللطافة .. قال يعني هو لما كان طفل كان بيعاملوه بالكلمة الحلوة واللطافة ( شوفة عيني امه ساكاه طول النهار بالسفنجة) .. اسمعي يا اختي نصيحة مني للتعامل مع الرجال: دايرة منو شي: قولي اول شي بأدب ووضوح رضى رضى ...ما رضى: صري وشك لما يبقى زي الخيارة النشفانه و حمري ليه بعدين ارفعي انبوبة الغاز بيد واااااحد ونزليها( أنبوبة فاضية طبعا بس انتي ما حتقولي ليه )) وبعدين كوووووركي وقلبي ليه القديم والجديد ...و بعدين بكل لطافة ورقة وحنية كرري طلبك ! و ان شاء الله حيحصل.

Sudan rain

Spells fell

It was a season when the rain tumbled down the stairs of the sky –

I could smell the exotic purity land, softening the ground so hard, that was cracked with despair and drought –

The curtains waved a sense of gladness as they raised high from the wind welcoming them.

I looked out the openness of the window and inhaled the exhalation of peace –

As the droplets of true dreams became with me as one, the rain flowed into my heart becoming a part of me – understanding my need for its touch –

It rained the monsoon madness of happiness slowly transforming Sudan into a fit model –

The water pearls hung like a necklace around trees, they showered a sound of a crisp responsibility, a sweet tranquility to make the world it was in a better place –

I stood restless from all the feelings swaying inside me yet serene at the drama cooling all my senses –

The stillness of minds released me into a raw perfection as the yard filled and filled with water and water.

My smile increased like the levels and I began to expand my horizons –

Could I ever fall in love like this with someone I’ve never met before? Would I understand them like I understand every single droplets reason for being here? Can I admire a love like I admire the scene upon me – forever can I be calm with a love so pure?

The 6th sense _ expansion

I stood up my love on the curb of impatience
Completely forgetting my time I should have spent understanding what love wanted me to do, I ran into the craziness of a dream and took a blind motorways fast imagination. It looked perfect, it looked like a 6th sense expansion – that I felt I knew what I was doing – and that this is what I wanted –

But this is not what I want – I want something else – the drum roll drives my head insane – what is the end of this musical fantasia of an unrealistic reality – for the first time I’m stuck with something I’ve dreamed plunged into the opening of a gaping hole of realness.

It got me thinking …. Are dreams really what you always want? I can’t believe that I secretly wish it was taken back – that secretly It would dissolve back into the crevices of my sleep – because there it was the best thing that could ever happen to me, it was the joy that broke all terror away – but now it is the nightmare that I can only dare to accept –
Slowly my lips slow their roll and divide to take in air of cold cold realization – this now

Realistic Dream
Is confusing me and making me Scared
Its changing me and breaking my Truth

I know that I’m forgetting the depth of my souls inner identity, the sixth sense inside me gurgles to shout that this is an upcoming problem – this is a defect that is surging in the volcano of your life – don’t leave it erupt and its too late to save anything from your room of feelings- what would you take if you could evacuate? – If you just knew it was going to turn out into a huge big deathly disaster – what would you take?

My fingertips stare blank, my eyes distance their concentration on a small speckle of latitudinal expectancy – how I wish I could do what I tell myself to do – if I could run – I would not forget to bring my sanity –

Sane – stay sane – is the main – way you can interpret anything – if I had sanity in my pocket runaway – I could be sane enough to leave the circle I’ve been pushed into – enter somewhere I am used to and react with special need to my heart –

I know deep inside me that if I think straight just for a while – I could get the bigger picture – the 6th sense expansion –

Sunday, January 20, 2008

The game - I don't want nobody else

Whose heart u broke?

What painful words u spoke?

You played……..down with the game – walls of broken promises be busted but you’ll fix it so nobody knows – nobody knows that all is wrong in your mind - except I can see the sorrow in your eyes -In my soul I feel you’re hurt - I’m guessing its your pride - That keeps your pain so deep inside –

Mess in my head signs my existence – I leave a signature of bamboozled reasoning’s highlighting me in a circle of misunderstood significance - I try and normalize my conscience but wafers of emotions eat me up into a land never to hide flavors of thinking about you – just your name throws me into a sensation of waking up inside from a deep sleep – I dream about your hidden touch, if I love you so much will you ever know?– am I close to the end of a disaster behind a corner of unforgiving lies – breaking the shadow of tomorrow I try and fantasize about realities craziness if it let me find me, your arms around me, held by you in love with me –
I link the chains of probability and link my chaos of fantasy together in a bundle of cracked invisibility – it seeps back in my smile as I conjure you gazing into my eyes because you want to be near me forever – but I desperately cry to pull back the heavy weights of my beautiful images under dust – I must dig you out of sight – Before –

(Breathe in)

I begin to imagine you changing into this miraculous fight of a soldier in danger, fighting for his heart – fighting to never be apart – from country and identity – from religion and true vision – of deep color and honor – from understanding and believing – standing strong against wrong – driving back from black – and turning to light – in this world of night – you look up sight - of perseverance and adherence – to love for the one above – to love for faith – he made you brave this way – Muslim you pray – you love all you say – to defend who you are – a shining star – never changed by the pain – never melting in the rain – always staying the same – you are true to your game –

(Breathe out)

Too late for me to recover the glow blazing from my heartbeat because of your brown eyes courage saving me from the drought of my silence – I need to tell you – you are everything to me – you mean all that can be – you’ve become all I can see – all hearts magically enter deep - With your ebony smile – I become lost for a long while – in the dark of its spark - Something special, you know, I always need you by my side - I don’t want nobody else - I just want to see you grow – I want to feel your real rhythm flow - But I can't help if u can't help yourself – And I just want to let u know that I don’t want nobody else.

Let’s stay together - forever – before the dawn of the fragile inconsiderate gate of fate – opens my eyes – to lies and cries – that appear and never disappear -

You are - Love so good like I’m dreaming, crazy what u got me feeling -

But you’re fooling with my trust – black roses grow from concrete – and always defeat – betraying heartbeats – but your petals question the question marks themselves to ask for a different color – you are red of rage and passion – black of dark and soft parks – white of pure but a cold endure – green of traveled pastures in a never after – blue so high and soaring so low – yellow of the sun shining on a gun – of your despairs without repair - Trust me when I say, I don’t want nobody else – you are confusion in fusion – revolution in distribution – joy in restoration – freedom in compartmentalization – lost in desperation - change in beautification – understanding in realization – love in communication -

_______I don’t want nobody else.______________

Feelings of madness

What is more affordable than a promise?
Free words to soothe the heart expensively
Your wallet of love could never become broke
I trusted your banks feelings to loan me days spent with you
Without debt of pain, high interest of fears
But you signed a twisted contract stamped with fears
Hidden between the lines you wrote to steal – all your smiles
You plotted to gain my payments to adore you
Until I was evicted from my mind
Too poor for the price I had to find

Lost in the battle to my sensation for you
Broken in the war of falling in love with you
In a glistening hotel amongst a city of promises
I rent out my heart for 2 nights of forever crises
The swirling door tumbles me in to your arms
Near candle, marble and velvet alarms
That I couldn’t hear through the beauty of the 5 stars -
The receptions welcome booked in my dreams
To stay with you true and real
To sway with you safe and surreal
The delicate cushions delayed my hurting fall
The early morning confectionary changed the tasted bitterness
Pastries and chocolate covered your unforgiving blackness
I became an extravagant ticking bomb
Inviting important acquaintances such as Mr. and Mrs. Betrayal
To come visit our torn family portrayal

Sudanese Band Ya Gareeb



The song conveys in a sweet metaphoric language and tune that Sudan and the people in it will always be waiting for the rest of these people abroad to come back with open arms -

(The girl with gorgous deer eyes lays flowers on the path for his arrival) is one of the lines.

This band is very talented but unfortunately they have not made a new album recently -

Saturday, January 19, 2008

In this family

Broken family, lost in tragedy
Drowning in dirty waters -
Never to be saved with each other again
And now i'm afraid of future becomings
Dissapointment and torn appointments
With hearts and kindness

In our memories there is so much blackness
Tunnels of darkness, eternal madness
Is all that's left
Sold softness - I only feel pain
Between my emotions running into a magical crisis
All i want to do is write so i can forget
But all my pen does is spell words of regret

Please god don't hurt me from my family

Bleeding family weakening with blackmail
All the history has failed. Childhood honey destroyed
Into bitter beasts of adults, piercing trust
There is no more trust

In this family we need lawyers to speak for brothers
Behind tall walls we talk to lovers
And from tears we break each others - hearts
In this family we are always apart
Dying all the time a little bit longer - becoming smaller and smaller
This family is tortured from mistakes and failure
To love one another truly and to respect one another faithfully

Come to me - Family not like this
Speak to me - A memory not like this
Life is not like this

In this family we are a stolen dream kidnapped from happiness
We learn things the very hard way
What is the benefit of the past?
Because we only insult the future
Bursting into flames of hurt

I'm scribbling my sadness,
Our faults and priorities of no mercy
- There is no mercy
In this family we have sold serenity
Chatting with thorns of coffee
Pricking every sensation told as we breathe
Our problems disintegrate our minds
We kept secrets so close until they shattered to consult the world
Which war should our family soar? from behind our closed doors

Selfish to forgive -
In this family we dont take responsibility of our jealous fingertips
Hard expectations till we only take an exam of trepidation to grade our souls
We fall - in this family - we fall -

I can't stress how we've damaged one another
Thinking too quickly to understand
In our family trust is forever lost
Robbed and provided money of lust -
To eat through and crunch
Till we become invisible
Gobbled down a stomach of pain

In our family - only evidence that family is not as close as you dream
Please God - dont give me a family with this internal bleeding neighborhood inside
I'm failling to understand why this is happening to us
But yet again
All I have to know - it's this freezing family we serve to chill in and combust -
We need to forget that we once loved
We need to learn to act
You have to take it as fact
That you will lose in this family
You will lose who once loved you
They will simply forget you
And change against you
You won’t be of any importance anymore
A long time ago it was
I didn’t know what was in store
And so I trusted and loved very much
But now the store has shown
And I regret trusting and loving so much
For them it didn’t mean so soft a touch
That I was a part of their lives – like they meant to me
Distances become larger in both seas and minds
We stop being so kind –
It takes a strong person to be in this family
And I’m not strong enough to take the tragedy
It’s a very heart breaking unit to be a part of
And when I look at the past and the present
I’m afraid of the terrible present – of the future
A very close time but it feels a long time each day drawing out into an example of what the next will be like
Until all the pain becomes alike -
But it’s nearly time to change my intentions
Not only do I not want anything
Not only do I not expect anything
Not only will I not give anything
But I want to be someone they can't remember or they can't relate to – literally –Someone they can't relate to – definitely
But then – if I do that – I will be exactly like my family –And the one thing I will never be – is like this family –But I will change my intentions – but never into the reflection
Of this family’s prediction – that this is family
No its not –And I will never tie a knot around the beauty of what true family means
So I will maintain my means
To give my role- to provide my soul – to be there for a call –But I will no longer fall – to believe in this family

You I miss

All I feel like doing is writing – writing about you – writing about you -

But so many traits of feelings race to become proven; I can’t stop the blockage of my internal confusion. My eyesight blurs close to blinding my vision of fate and dreams, my hearing fails near to echoes of a distant scream.

I just feel like knowing - An interconnection of terminal hearts always together, understanding each other, forever -

A drama back on you – you pose in a memory of a bleeding scenario full of a soul disaster. I listen to your breaking heartbeat from far away hidden emotions. My eyes see your truth from behind a billboard of fake advertisement to your mind – you’ve bought the deal of an unforgiving future the change of a nightmare reality now beginning as prosperity. I beg to shatter the fake mirror you see yourself through but I can't find a fault to show you – I can't discover the invisible mistakes in your thoughts – I can't point at the areas where I’ve fallen in love with you – so you do what u got to do – in a world where you are a soldier true -

My eyes deceive me, betray me and leave me
To take the blame off my heart, that I let this all start

I remember when I was so weak for u but hid behind moon blue/ African romantic hue – a color shade prominent with a disguised tropical affection – baby I wanted to tell you – that you were a dark remedy I was addicted to – but you healed only my ability –to give you – a completely different melody – of what I wanted to truly sing -

When I was so deep for u, I bought silence in my heart and used it brand new
When I cried for u, each tear heavy with sadness – I wiped my tears into darkness

You shift my heart to a level of so much trust that I want to live out my fantasy with this unique crazy relationship of you by side- you melt all my fears away – even though you are the seed of their reason, but I could drown in this pool of love – only you can fulfill my needs – take me away from this agony – and become symbolic of just one of a kind in this world -Just one of us so strong – in romance for too long – I don’t want to be wrong cuz I like it – even though its seems wrong I can't fight it - Take me away to another place – save me – save me –save me –

You don’t know what you done to me – I love it when I hear your name- And how I feel will remain the same- I never thought I needed u desperately - I’m addicted irrationally - It’s kinda sick how I’m stuck on u- But I don’t care cuz I’m needing you

You keep me sane and I can’t complain
You’re the Love flowing thro my veins
Keeping me alive and feeding my brain
Thinking about the way you kiss
It’s always you I miss

Sunday, January 13, 2008

A peculiar evolution

A peculiar evolution as twisted histories entwine to make a future through governments charged with murder,
The sirens call out extinction of peace as the city changes pity tonight – Communication souls invisibly fly high galloping in stars of a broken world
People throttle memories they remember forgotten
The swifts of the army trying to recover land of individuality
Through UN coverage reporters get shot in an untamed mentality
Smoothing the streets with its fly moves as it congregates handsome men to death
Midnight’s asking for trouble to name a model of the act
The whole country goes down without a pact
Differences tear rules, color paints feuds
The streets melt an ice cream of hope
Fat chance of death small artery free of survival but the population can't all flow
Some travel the seven seas and become forgotten by their lands factory
Others give in to the starvation of sanity
And more become republic to loss
As the majority gets enveloped in a letter sent to the president
This is who we are - destroyed under your palace
As you stamp through the parade of independence
And try to show us evidence
Of a manipulated freedom
1965 – That was freedom as we breathed the monopoly of our desert, Nile and sun
We held hands as one
But now freedom collapses to the reigns of war
Minds shoot thoughts of each other
Eyes stare death to one another
Fake signatures of pages of a peace
That films war at the top never to cease
The shops sell candy, perfume and labashkari
Outside old woman sell nothing that could make them free
And beggars surround the hotels plaza
Of rich men and uninvited kindness
Celebrations pass without dreams coming true
The backlog is now too long until the end of you
Maybe that’s why my dreams are not entering
The secret code of winning – the test of hardship

Echoes in my mind_(Found and Lost)

Through the crevices of my day
I fall through the darkness of my dreams
My twisted genes recover madness within me
The increments of my mistakes cover all goodness inside me
A meeting of broken cries
A tone of unspoken defects diagnose my remedies
Every time I try to repair
I wear my heart away
I tear my words astray
I argue with my soul until it runs away
To be thrown back before the mess
Before the start
Before the goals
- to a devils dream
- the partnership of crime
- the source of betrayal

I worship my flaws although I hate their meanings
A primitive mind trying to advance through pain and suffering
Finding the technology of determination a great deal to handle
And so turns back to igloo frozen memories and straw hut chances
The question wriggles in my head – why have I become like this?
Unbalancing my earth and tumbling my washed conscience to dirt
Black particles of quintessential lies – make me
And I flood my soul with cries
That I was once found but now lost
Lost far away in the space of my fantasies
In the wrongs of my convicted admirations
It’s like I want to go to a Mafia paradise
So I can be gunned down from a window of my unrestrained shadow
Because I thought I as safe
When I was only in raw born danger
Stolen in time broken through the middle of my forever
I can't watch myself anymore - a film of tragedy
Hollywood freedom imprisoned behind famous guilt
Trust falters like a mischievous child under a parents stare
Crying the night after being punished
Waking with swollen eyes but at least a clean heart
Unlike my filthy heart – beating to a rhythm dirty of weakness
I don’t know who I am anymore
I don’t know what to do to make things right
I’m stuck on an elevator only able to plummet down
Down into the pits of my tears
The factory of my wasting years
Once I was fine and found
Now I’m lost without control
I’m lost without a goal
I’m lost to the great fall – of never finding myself at all.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Your eyes

Afraid to love, a love that is too big for me
A mystical enchantment soaring through history from when Romeo and Juliet grooved a paradise of love before anyone knew it would become a tragedy. A triumphant glory of you and I parades through the streets flowing with romantic taxi cabs under agold stricken sky, bursting city height that would collapse balance. Electric swizzles down our way heating the darkness. Eyesight short of a future pain, I betray my natural soul searching and look into your eyes, falling in a cascading unique tone of blissful tranquility, the metropolitan advance of attraction pours its colour over me, never selfish of a drop - as I look into your eyes. Memory forgets to remember what it should rememeber as I still river through a traffic of a central park hypnotisation. My heart soars to beat in a flashing rythm, clicks of photographic peace drain from your brown pupils to slowly turn me a student of being afraid to love - a love that is too big for me.

Monday, January 7, 2008

POW - Sudanese hardship

A portrayal of the hard life some people have to endure and live through - this old man traveling bare under the sun his donkey struggling and in contrast you can see the nice sheltered expensive house with a comfortable jeep watiing outside.

Morning Prayer

The shadows of peace waft in through the dawn. As I sleep the skies praise to change color uniting with life, with air. The darkness lifts slowly as dreams begin to end. Souls awaken to the time of fulfilling a new day; showers of accordance with hope. Morning Prayer sings in my heart, my eyes flutter like butterflies enchanted by the world. Time to speak to god first thing, time to say to god thank you for everything and I want to begin this day with you.

I breathe in the existence of coming together with freshness as I bathe myself in ‘wadu’ waters to heal and be healed – three times everywhere and I am revitalized with nourishment of mind. – As I part the prayer mat apart I part the devils chains – the mat sways to the floor and I stand upon a dance of miracles – the devils chains break loudly – my lips begin to move relaxed yet strong with words flavored with beauty.

I cover my hair, my arms, my feet – with cloth of softness yet I escape beneath to a place of kindness – as I pray morning prayer – I feel a new gift just being bought - the most expensive thing I ever wanted – freedom – saved as the sunrise smiles – saved as innocence flies – my room feels like heaven – I transform the simplicity of space into unknown existent horizons.

As I kneel and bow and continue this ease – I raise my hands to the most beneficent – the light casts a visit through the windows and my room glitters with morning – I ask for all I need but I beg for forgiveness, I beg for acceptance – and I beg for true heaven- not the one I have created simply by praying morning prayer – changing all mentality into wondrous dexterity. I feel at home within my home within myself. I kiss my hand as if kissing all nature to thank – and I begin my day knowing I have shielded myself from the first layer of any tears – from the produces of hatred – from the troubles of sadness -

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Hilahob-3amak Abdellatif

An interesting easy and funny way to grasp the tension in sudanese lifestyle using comedy


Faith in crisis_ ( in the process of changing)

I will be there for you, no matter what you do
But I haven’t been good I haven’t been true
Its ok you are the one I will help in times of despair
But I have broken your trust beyond repair
You can always ask for forgiveness
I don’t deserve all this kindness
You need to pray and continue your reading
I need to change and beg for your healing
My soul is damaged from forgetting your beauty
Please god le me see your faith’s honesty
Blazing in the cold
Warming the frozen nightmares
I need your help your sleeping testimonies
I’m sorry I’ve been wrong
I regret all I’ve done
You can stop yourself from being mistaken
I want to make up for all I’ve forsaken
Give me a chance to show you someone else
You can do that and ill give you strength
Give me eyes to only see right
Ill give you sight to choose light_______________________
A prayer of thanks:
Thank you for letting me fly
Above the sky to a world so high
Full of chances and remedies
Closed from tragedies
Right now – I love you for helping me
But please guide me
Please guide me
Don’t let me fall of the beaten track
Pick me up before It’s too late to come back
Don’t let me ruin my life with my own hands
Don’t let me ruin my life with my own hands
Let me stay safe within your power
Protect me from black showers that stain me until I can't see who I am
Find me the soap to wash my dirty palms
My dirty palms -
I want to hide them before you see
The ugliness in me
But I can’t hide from you
I cannot show you fake clean pages of my age
Lock up my disasters in a hidden cage
Change me with calm instead of rage
Calm me from within
And take my impurities far
Turn me into a shining star
That can light for your faith,
That can smile with your trace
In her heart and mind
Let me find
Belief and honor
By loving your words and color
You draw prosperity like rainbows in my days
All from your kindness
You keep taking blackness

Paintings of Sudan

I want you

Prisoned miracles sitting like a beaten king
Twisted darkness of faith
It's light beaming through a sky merciless with deception
Lust of rain falling a nightmare in disguise
Cobwebbed by your dreams - I wanted to share you with you
But you tore my heart like failed surgery
You broke my tears into two
As each fell it divided into more

Until puddles of my memories flooded my core

I want you to be a soldier for your life. Protect your body, your mind - I want you to have respect for who you are, to listen to what's right, to love who you truly are, not what you've been made out to be. I want you to never be lazy about work, prospects or hope. I want you never to be confused. I want you to know what you want and work very hard to get it. I want you to understand who you are, not what you were told. I want you to love your country, to protect it forever and to grow it in your children. I want you to love your religion and everything it means, all its given to you. I want you to always have a goal, have courage, have soul, have truth.
I miss you more than you could ever imagine
I miss you more than words could say
A designer love on a runway shattering with problems
I'm so jealous, jealous of you
You have what I want but you won't give me anything
I'm jealous of those girls around you
I'm jealous of what other people have and we dont have
It's always pleasure with pain --- always

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Echoes in my mind_(The end)

Broken through the substance of my heart
My memories have all torn apart
Shattering pieces of my day
With nothing or no-one to take loss away
Whispering screams hidden in my soul
Lies decieve me as I fall

Unknown pictures color my meanings
I try and interpret all the intangible evenings
But sleep with a heavy innocence, that even I misunderstood myself
Even I hurt myself

Steps through time, through stairs to a notification
Reaching the top can still be a degradation
I was thieved out to be a rusted intruder
Like I stole my safety and spilled crude danger all over my weaknesses
Through crevices of failure I shined a polished blackness
Of my experiences

I felt lost, prison breaked in a series I couldn't escape from
The main actor suicidal to her role of
Famous despair shot through a lens of no repair
Writers strike of my episodes leaving me with an ending not meant, not fair

Cut life support of my dreams
They fell down a hollow of fantasised death
One line of magic stopping retarded of a sweet myth
An empty room where my eyes blindly covered with no breathing
Shallow exhale of a final invitation

Friday, January 4, 2008

Sudan's night

Tickets to a new day

Go back to a moment of peace, where there was a light ease of life floating amongst the power of blankness. Now I am blank sucked through endless meaningless words of a reality con. I wonder about questions that can’t be answered, about answers that don’t have questions. I can't stop thinking about fate’s introduction. Where does fate begin, the junction between miracles and the motorway to school – when is it time for destiny to come, I wonder am I living my destiny already.

My eyes hurt and they deceive me

My ears connect me to echoes of evaluated disaster

The jigsaw puzzle in the middle, anguished with distractions, born with pieces lying around everywhere, made of fragile parts to lose and takes forever to make out, is me.

The broken camera takes pictures of my un-focused experiences and frames them adequately for all of the world’s judgment to prevail. My actions are contributions of poor gold on a market of heavy duty buyers – religion, education, tradition. My goals hang on a thread, ridiculed by poverty of ability. Ability to achieve my highest ability - I fear about its demand. Am I strong enough to battle the path of my hardship? Can I change teacher of minds to become taught better ways, tickets to a new day, but right now they seem too expensive, but if I don’t hurry they will be sold out.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Stop you

Trying to fit in a raw jagged community of thoughts of war and torn freedom, inspired love to a tarnished world of romantic drugged feelings: you blaze in the night flaming your identity in an oil of mess, of petrolled faults ready to explode.

An invisible monster sleeping to the corner of a broken misery where your thousand shallow results fake you + make you into a globe of attacking modernity spiralling out of control.

you turn the sharp streets without patrol -To yourself.

Blades cut until you are not distinguished anymore. Finding no-one, you become a twisted shadow of yourself, everyone sees you as foreign relative and you see yourself at no advantage - to become something better than this.

Fearing that you cannot change - your thoughts range only in a narrow perspective of a wide field of miracles - You never ask the questions that you need to find out about, you never wonder about the reasons why you're an agitated spirit of a constant blackout, a junction of destroyed morality and just the cherry of all this diversity.

Your weak bravery somehow exampled by you tripping into this accidental life locks you with no escape towards a brighter light.
I always think about why you're like this, what it would have been like and what is it going to turn into.
I leave my heart on a stove of short memories, my tears boiling to explain how I hated seeing you like that and even though I knew what was wrong, I was the wrong shape to fit in your mind. I still am the wrong shape to make you see, to show those words to you;
Words that I dream of everynight battling a hypnotised individuality and a devils wisdom to make sense amongst all the lost meanings of your soul.

If I had a chance, I would tell you I think you're the best soldier I have ever known and in my heart you will always be.
If I had a chance I would suffer the consequences of breaking in the battle to reach your mind And do nothing but get hurt if thats what it takes to change you.
If I had a chance I would tell you how much I love you
But if I had a chance I would stop, stop, stop

Echoes in my mind _ (not meant to be like this)

Terror when I see my face
Feelings of disgrace
I didn't mean it to be like this
But suddenly images twirled of disaster
My head hurt + broke faster
Everyone misunderstood me
Even me
And I didnt' want it to be like this
That's not the way it was meant to be


Tranquility in space, feelings with no trace
my music of understanding - loses face
Falls waste
Waste - I'm afraid of missing out
From the deep end of what it's all about
Yelping in a zone of crazy agony
Madness crossroads
I can't choose which madness is better
I can't decide which chaos is less demented

I want a visitation to my soul
Ask it why it let me fall -


My heart seems to skip a beat
Everytime we meet
Over you, I break down so weak without you touch
Destiny that I'd cross the world just thinking of you

Stars twinkle when we are apart
The moon rebels against our hearts
Not meant to be together
Known to miss you forever
Last night, out of town torn by an arrow we broke away

It flew to hurt me and it grew to scare me
Loving you so much
Back from the promises I had to press rewind
And all that I could find
Was Emptiness

Empty from being empty when ur so far away
Empty from being empty when I hear ur goodbye
Empty from when you flied
Empty until my tears dried
Empty until I forgot - How to never be Empty again.

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -