Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Ledges of time

Life cut through me like slices of unforgotten cake
The sweetness poured out of me till I couldn’t feel existence no more
There was a moment in time when I was suspended in time – the corners of my reality slowly merging with the motorways taking me out of this world
I felt unknowing, unwilling to go back but to go forward –
My cracked mind had split in 4
Depression, weakness, strength and failure
Stardom of confusion gazed upon me through a lens of maddening questions that needed answers
Click click click – my pictures were taken but they didn’t know I was sleeping –
Flick flick flick – my life rolled by so involuntarily I didn’t realize I was dying -
My eye lids shut a long time ago - before the light of their photographic pain came running in to haunt me
I smiled ghostly at the irreplaceable camera that breaks my soul time and time again
Winning the shadows of my sadness, achieving all the right roles of my madness
I couldn’t stop thinking anymore – too young yet too old for this fall
All my flat balance started to curve inside me – the ledges of time began to stop supporting me – I was too heavy now with all my raging fears, with all my flooding tears – with all my withholding cries – with all my nauseous tries - to keep standing up.

Spells attack and love fights back until tanks are empty from willingness
Promises shrivel and youth cripples so there is only ageing darkness
Fears nudge and distance shrugs at looking back to change things
Pains rise and nobody tries to fix broken wings
So angels fall and tunnels call to hide from it all
Confusion stares at everyone’s care to leave an unnecessary struggle
That I have to fight so I give up through the night and become part of an invisible jungle – collectively as the shot of a terrible angle – but now I rest – strangely quickly – my breath reacts to the forgotten eternity – of ledges of time supporting me –

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -