Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Stop you

Trying to fit in a raw jagged community of thoughts of war and torn freedom, inspired love to a tarnished world of romantic drugged feelings: you blaze in the night flaming your identity in an oil of mess, of petrolled faults ready to explode.

An invisible monster sleeping to the corner of a broken misery where your thousand shallow results fake you + make you into a globe of attacking modernity spiralling out of control.

you turn the sharp streets without patrol -To yourself.

Blades cut until you are not distinguished anymore. Finding no-one, you become a twisted shadow of yourself, everyone sees you as foreign relative and you see yourself at no advantage - to become something better than this.

Fearing that you cannot change - your thoughts range only in a narrow perspective of a wide field of miracles - You never ask the questions that you need to find out about, you never wonder about the reasons why you're an agitated spirit of a constant blackout, a junction of destroyed morality and just the cherry of all this diversity.

Your weak bravery somehow exampled by you tripping into this accidental life locks you with no escape towards a brighter light.
I always think about why you're like this, what it would have been like and what is it going to turn into.
I leave my heart on a stove of short memories, my tears boiling to explain how I hated seeing you like that and even though I knew what was wrong, I was the wrong shape to fit in your mind. I still am the wrong shape to make you see, to show those words to you;
Words that I dream of everynight battling a hypnotised individuality and a devils wisdom to make sense amongst all the lost meanings of your soul.

If I had a chance, I would tell you I think you're the best soldier I have ever known and in my heart you will always be.
If I had a chance I would suffer the consequences of breaking in the battle to reach your mind And do nothing but get hurt if thats what it takes to change you.
If I had a chance I would tell you how much I love you
But if I had a chance I would stop, stop, stop

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -