Saturday, January 19, 2008

In this family

Broken family, lost in tragedy
Drowning in dirty waters -
Never to be saved with each other again
And now i'm afraid of future becomings
Dissapointment and torn appointments
With hearts and kindness

In our memories there is so much blackness
Tunnels of darkness, eternal madness
Is all that's left
Sold softness - I only feel pain
Between my emotions running into a magical crisis
All i want to do is write so i can forget
But all my pen does is spell words of regret

Please god don't hurt me from my family

Bleeding family weakening with blackmail
All the history has failed. Childhood honey destroyed
Into bitter beasts of adults, piercing trust
There is no more trust

In this family we need lawyers to speak for brothers
Behind tall walls we talk to lovers
And from tears we break each others - hearts
In this family we are always apart
Dying all the time a little bit longer - becoming smaller and smaller
This family is tortured from mistakes and failure
To love one another truly and to respect one another faithfully

Come to me - Family not like this
Speak to me - A memory not like this
Life is not like this

In this family we are a stolen dream kidnapped from happiness
We learn things the very hard way
What is the benefit of the past?
Because we only insult the future
Bursting into flames of hurt

I'm scribbling my sadness,
Our faults and priorities of no mercy
- There is no mercy
In this family we have sold serenity
Chatting with thorns of coffee
Pricking every sensation told as we breathe
Our problems disintegrate our minds
We kept secrets so close until they shattered to consult the world
Which war should our family soar? from behind our closed doors

Selfish to forgive -
In this family we dont take responsibility of our jealous fingertips
Hard expectations till we only take an exam of trepidation to grade our souls
We fall - in this family - we fall -

I can't stress how we've damaged one another
Thinking too quickly to understand
In our family trust is forever lost
Robbed and provided money of lust -
To eat through and crunch
Till we become invisible
Gobbled down a stomach of pain

In our family - only evidence that family is not as close as you dream
Please God - dont give me a family with this internal bleeding neighborhood inside
I'm failling to understand why this is happening to us
But yet again
All I have to know - it's this freezing family we serve to chill in and combust -
We need to forget that we once loved
We need to learn to act
You have to take it as fact
That you will lose in this family
You will lose who once loved you
They will simply forget you
And change against you
You won’t be of any importance anymore
A long time ago it was
I didn’t know what was in store
And so I trusted and loved very much
But now the store has shown
And I regret trusting and loving so much
For them it didn’t mean so soft a touch
That I was a part of their lives – like they meant to me
Distances become larger in both seas and minds
We stop being so kind –
It takes a strong person to be in this family
And I’m not strong enough to take the tragedy
It’s a very heart breaking unit to be a part of
And when I look at the past and the present
I’m afraid of the terrible present – of the future
A very close time but it feels a long time each day drawing out into an example of what the next will be like
Until all the pain becomes alike -
But it’s nearly time to change my intentions
Not only do I not want anything
Not only do I not expect anything
Not only will I not give anything
But I want to be someone they can't remember or they can't relate to – literally –Someone they can't relate to – definitely
But then – if I do that – I will be exactly like my family –And the one thing I will never be – is like this family –But I will change my intentions – but never into the reflection
Of this family’s prediction – that this is family
No its not –And I will never tie a knot around the beauty of what true family means
So I will maintain my means
To give my role- to provide my soul – to be there for a call –But I will no longer fall – to believe in this family

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -