Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Ya Allah.... Give me

I know
That you will be with me
And that your love will
Protect me
And i am here always
And praying
Even if i forget
Ya Allah 
Let me have my own story
And not like anyone elses
Ya Allah
I needyou so much
And i savour anything u give me
Forgive me if i am weak 
Or i am impatient
Or i am scared
Or worse
That i am jealous
I am here 
I am here
And maybe even arrogant
But i am here
I am definitely not good
But i am definitely not bad
Ya Allah
Please be with me
I want to feel it all
Please let it be this time
Ya Allah
Be with me
And accept me
And allow me
And change me
And forgive me
Ya Allah
Please read
Ya Allah 
Give me
For i am a greedy slave 
Ya Allah

Sunday, September 20, 2015

im tired

Oh dear ... hes so bright and happy and Im just an unstable mess
my head hurts and mind wavers and wanders into emptiness
I feel tired
not like I normally aim
I feel aimless goalless
just plain tired
I feel like for once Ill never get this job
I feel pointless
I even feel big without meaning
just a heavy block of somebody walking and I just hate everyone around me
i even hate myself
i want to shout
I want to scream
im tired
and im afraid
but more importantly am angry
but its all weakness
for my anger hasnt produced anything
im still the big empty womanless, jobless woman i am
and i feel like everyone is taking advantage of me
for that was a secretarys job
not mine
but hey it doesnt matter
and I want to do things but i never do
so someone has to tell me to do them
someone has to make me do them
like a child i guess
for im just like a child
lets do this and lets do that and lets bring this and lets bring that
for i cant think for myself
at this moment in time
im tired
im very tired
and i hate myself for having it all and not feeling any of it
in this moment in time
lost and must control\?


Saturday, September 19, 2015

things change and so should you

What does one do when you feel.... on the exterior, when you feel like an outcast in you own family?
I remember days and moments I remember closeness and I think about words spoken and secrets I told
I dont know now secrets are gold I will not let go of
I feeel weak and broken when secrets come out of me now
for no one haas told me theirs
I ask myself why?
why dont they tell me their exciting promises and their acheivements?
its such a trembling question actually
are they afraid i will ruin it ?
am i at a lower lavel of family then i thought for htey have put me amongst the common family
are they so happy about their progress they want to make sure it rocks me when I find out ?
are they afraid i will jinx it foor them?
ask too many questions

the summary is the same.... they feel it is none of my business

and that hurts
and strangely it is devastating that i never felt like that before towards them
always excited to tell them my news I was

now its a gift to hide things
I feel .... like life changes
and people change
I change and my emotions change
that closesness you think you have with someone develops int o something else
you have to fight it
and you hav e to break it
that feeling of closeness you think you have for

they even are not afraid to tell you

I forgot you

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Feeling never good enough

Feeling down 
Feeling like ive won the battle but not the war
Am i selfish
Am i gentle
Am i a strong one
Am i bitter
Am i honest
Thus like to be honested with
Am i heart
No mind
Am i all emotion
No good feelings
Am i happy
Am i just a fool
Am i a queen
Or am i a slave?
Am i protected
Or am i disconnected
Am i broken
Or am i lost
Do i wish upon a star
Or do i wish all weong
Is my heart like this molted steel case withiut even a key , where a key would never open this far away heart
No youd have to melt it and be careful where lava wouldnt be hot enough wouldbt be kind enough
Wouldnt be good enough
Im not good enough

Saturday, September 12, 2015

thats why

Last words before I go prepare for Tommorow...

All my life I should be preparing for Tommorow
but here I am never even preparing for today
my fridge is annoying me and no difference from the before me
nothing is gonna make it clean but me
nothing is gonna make it right but me
for here I am , with actual great relief that i know whats wrong
maybe noteven blaming myself no more
jsut the reasons taht Allah has placed
Allah has given me the easiest of problems
the easiest of chances
the best of ways
and suddenly I am actually happy
understanding what my body is doing
understanding where I am
I feel like its all here
and from today I will never give up
I will always pray for that day
and I will always understand that Allah is here for me


This week

Lather, rinse, repeat? Not this week. While you’ll certainly have to put in some time at the office, don’t just clock in and go through the motions. With motivator Mars and innovator Uranus in cahoots on Tuesday, it’s time to shake up your processes. Streamline your systems so you can work smarter, not harder. Use technology AND teamwork to get the job done more joyfully — so you can also enjoy a little more casual conversation with coworkers instead of canceling out their jokes and chitchat with your Beats. Think ahead, too: Where would you like to be professionally by the end of 2015? This week, take some bold action to get yourself there, even if that means creating a challenging assignment so you can grow and learn. 

 don't approach it from a place of worry or insecurity. Instead, spin a vision of the beautiful future you wish to co-create.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Beautiful....M&A new

I love being with you
You are my all  
My dream... 
My sweet sweet life..

Thursday, September 10, 2015

There used to be

Whats the link between u and your country? 
Is it sadness is it patience
Is it weakness
Is it greed
Are all those links? For it certainly isnt strength

What is it that makes u sudanese?
Is it ur passport? Or because u were born here one day years ago
Or is it the colour of ur skin
Or is it how selfish u are?

They say there used to a barclays bank 
They say we used to be the best
But now sudan follows me for i am the worst 

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

well done. You punished the old lady

Am I evil or am I an angel, I don’t know but I hate this feeling, looking at myself with remorse and shame in everything I do. Getting jealous from everyone near me although I have everything better or just like them… or do I ? for im always missing one thing…., having this itching, painful, clear, biting sensation that all should be mine and no one elses. Clearly, that is a disease. I am diseased.
For just being who I am, for who I am isn’t who I need and is deteriorating, is maddening. Between My eyes always hurts, my brain is scattered, my heart shakes, my back aches and my story is ending. The flame is almost about to rebel out. It doesn’t feel like being involved in life, it doesn’t feel like trying, it doesn’t feel like anything. I wish I could throw my phone out the window, into the sea, into my lifeless existence. For with my phone I only gained suffocation. That tiny piece of metal and radiation is …. Killing me.  
 I wish I could melt my extra weight in a furnace. Just enter and come out …perfect. All will be well then. I wish I could be smart…again for I used to be smart and caring but now im just … a secretary.
Going every day from 8-3 and doing nothing from 8-3 except writing things a smart secretary should be doing.  
I need someone who can think on the spot , who can be kind and put pressure on her wounds without screaming, for who I want to be is that woman who doesn’t need to come to levels with an old soul, one created much further away and thus deserves much better respect regardless of her actions and her thoughts. It is you that should be locked up in time, locked up in organisation, locked up in punishment, not her.  But isn’t balance a challenge? Didn’t you just agree to this plan over and over again?  Didn’t we agree, didn’t I run it over with both and all said yes … perfect…
but I hate the look on his face…the disappointment is it> ? or is it the kindness that I don’t have - you are evil and I can just look inside your heart to see, for I can see the blackness waving out into our existence. This is your fault. Your greed and your shyness. I am too weak to do anything and deep down love may just be changing. Like your need to organise for 3 weeks away. Who knows what could happen until then. Just leave it. But all you can think about is that you won the challenge and punished the old lady. Well done. I miss my mum. She would have made me feel better.
I am unhappy because of nothing but myself. This poor shrivelled, weak, dishonest, sharp that makes others bleed, narrow minded…. Wouldn’t even call myself a female… just a vessel, a big one. T oo stupid to wake up on time
When angels fly by, and Allah calls youre too stupid to wake up. Snoring and dribbling misery further into your life
Hey Australia… I guess im coming to visit you.. can you hold this big woman I am with emptiness inside me.?

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Tears of glory 1

Sudan...the glory
Sudan...the drunk and rotten
am I drunk and rotten?
Hope the powerful adamant critical beautiful detailed and caring of herself and her work and is achieving of everything she can do
Hope the stalled miserable weak tearful gunned holed and bruised woman she is

Whats happened
Hope 1961
Sudan 1961

Hope 2015
Sudan 2015

All the same
All the nothing
All the broken
All the shattered and african tears running down her spine

to be continued.....


T&M.... M&T.... the new invoice>

It starts to dawn on my mind that a dream becoming a reality isnt 
all that far or impossible no matter how small how inferior u may feel 
it may just reside with allah that u deserve that dream to become real
 its already happened or happening maybe i just have to be strong close 
my eyes and wish upon a shooting star today not a million light years 
Believe that she/s may become mine and her/s name may become 
magically intertwined with mine

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Ugly hand

What an ugly hand, what a beautiful icecream
What terrible discovery, what a beautiful day
What a repeat suprise, what a strong woman you are
What sly people u see, what a kind woman you are

The icecream is beautiful the colours the place maybe the people their love for each other their saceifices
Not like the ones u dont make
Not like the way i am
Big with faults
Pained with weakness
Hot with shame
Blown with heaviness
Shattered by my own weight

.... To pieces
Little bits and pieces
Like ground glass....
What a nice icecream what an ugly hand
Like yours ugly hand

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Mamas advice

Dont feel bad about yourself at all be posetive always please ok

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

September wishes...

this time
im not gona breakdown
am not gona give up
or lose hope
in fact
im gonna start again
im gonna tackle my pain and thank Allah I am better than who i was yesterday than who i am today
i will beat my faults and I will lower my weaknesses until my strengths are the only thing i can see
i will beat my body up until it stands tall
and proud
and i will not give up
i will not give up
in the easiest and most painful times i am like the tortoise with the rabbit
i will win a race the race whatever race
for i will not stop trying to get there
the place i want to reach
the place i want to go

and i will not stop praying
i will not give up on Allah, on myself and on good luck and faith
ya RAB, Ya Allah
help me

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -