Saturday, September 19, 2015

things change and so should you

What does one do when you feel.... on the exterior, when you feel like an outcast in you own family?
I remember days and moments I remember closeness and I think about words spoken and secrets I told
I dont know now secrets are gold I will not let go of
I feeel weak and broken when secrets come out of me now
for no one haas told me theirs
I ask myself why?
why dont they tell me their exciting promises and their acheivements?
its such a trembling question actually
are they afraid i will ruin it ?
am i at a lower lavel of family then i thought for htey have put me amongst the common family
are they so happy about their progress they want to make sure it rocks me when I find out ?
are they afraid i will jinx it foor them?
ask too many questions

the summary is the same.... they feel it is none of my business

and that hurts
and strangely it is devastating that i never felt like that before towards them
always excited to tell them my news I was

now its a gift to hide things
I feel .... like life changes
and people change
I change and my emotions change
that closesness you think you have with someone develops int o something else
you have to fight it
and you hav e to break it
that feeling of closeness you think you have for

they even are not afraid to tell you

I forgot you

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -