Tuesday, September 8, 2015

well done. You punished the old lady

Am I evil or am I an angel, I don’t know but I hate this feeling, looking at myself with remorse and shame in everything I do. Getting jealous from everyone near me although I have everything better or just like them… or do I ? for im always missing one thing…., having this itching, painful, clear, biting sensation that all should be mine and no one elses. Clearly, that is a disease. I am diseased.
For just being who I am, for who I am isn’t who I need and is deteriorating, is maddening. Between My eyes always hurts, my brain is scattered, my heart shakes, my back aches and my story is ending. The flame is almost about to rebel out. It doesn’t feel like being involved in life, it doesn’t feel like trying, it doesn’t feel like anything. I wish I could throw my phone out the window, into the sea, into my lifeless existence. For with my phone I only gained suffocation. That tiny piece of metal and radiation is …. Killing me.  
 I wish I could melt my extra weight in a furnace. Just enter and come out …perfect. All will be well then. I wish I could be smart…again for I used to be smart and caring but now im just … a secretary.
Going every day from 8-3 and doing nothing from 8-3 except writing things a smart secretary should be doing.  
I need someone who can think on the spot , who can be kind and put pressure on her wounds without screaming, for who I want to be is that woman who doesn’t need to come to levels with an old soul, one created much further away and thus deserves much better respect regardless of her actions and her thoughts. It is you that should be locked up in time, locked up in organisation, locked up in punishment, not her.  But isn’t balance a challenge? Didn’t you just agree to this plan over and over again?  Didn’t we agree, didn’t I run it over with both and all said yes … perfect…
but I hate the look on his face…the disappointment is it> ? or is it the kindness that I don’t have - you are evil and I can just look inside your heart to see, for I can see the blackness waving out into our existence. This is your fault. Your greed and your shyness. I am too weak to do anything and deep down love may just be changing. Like your need to organise for 3 weeks away. Who knows what could happen until then. Just leave it. But all you can think about is that you won the challenge and punished the old lady. Well done. I miss my mum. She would have made me feel better.
I am unhappy because of nothing but myself. This poor shrivelled, weak, dishonest, sharp that makes others bleed, narrow minded…. Wouldn’t even call myself a female… just a vessel, a big one. T oo stupid to wake up on time
When angels fly by, and Allah calls youre too stupid to wake up. Snoring and dribbling misery further into your life
Hey Australia… I guess im coming to visit you.. can you hold this big woman I am with emptiness inside me.?

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -