Monday, May 28, 2012

what makes me

what makes me cry
what makes me smile
what makes me wake
what do I stake
to feel...happy

what makes me change
what makes me arrange
all the particles of my hearrt
to eat right
and never fight
for whats wrong

what makes me dream
and what makes me seem

what makes me scared
and what makes me bare
to the soul of tired war

what makes me free
what makes me me
what makes me become
the woman i want to be

what makes me hope
i just wana cope
with all that i wana make true
with you
what makes me forget

what makes me remember
what makes me remember

what makes me never surrender

so 4rth and I feel wonderful
how many times have i tried to
a million or really when you think about it

ive never tried

POW_the beautiful sudanese woman

Picture of Words _ The Beautiful sudanese woman - between dreams and reality

vast debt

Dreaming is dangerous filled with beautiful lights and miraculous extensions of anything you want happening
I dream so much of you of a night with butterflies and satin of table cloths freshly linened and white
of us white and new
dreaming is dangerous for dreams need power energy and electricity lighting my whole heart with infusion of hope
like a bad remedy I live on the extremities of thinking about you and imagining you near me and iwth me like one
dancing living
dreaming is timeless even though each second i run out of time to conjure more
its like i am poverished as all my wealth has gone to creat you our image our smiles our love
it holds me and breaks me the amount of  beauty it casts
dreaming is the death of real for no longer am i real without you
I canot breathe without you
i cannot do anything without you
i love you so much I can barely breathe
dreaming is a fanasy like an addiction my whole body aches
but the pain is black crystal like a new mercedes benz
i ......dream wwithout accident but the consequence is vast debt

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Ma Galat ly Salam VIDEO فرقة هايبرد

out there

Out there i want to be
God I am not modest at all
my pain is all out of lack of modesty
not for anyone but for me
for me 

jealous to be better

I know  Iam at fault just like with everything
but sometimes I canot help but think its not fair
am a good person
stubborn and a little mena
but i am a good person
and ive always been more kinder
its just sometimes i cant help being angry being annoyed wanting change
wanting a better understanding from you from them
and sometimes i think all i want is to be better
ya Rab i want to be btter
i want
not to be at fault al lthe time
suddenly i feel second
but then ive always been in second place right?
i feel awful
dow n
that i am the cause of this downess
i should be better because i have a better heart
but i have no idea how to show it to you
i wish you couuld see it
that girl dreaming in the picture with satin dantelle and flowers of crystal beads
so soft so elegant
so clean
so pure
so yours
so true
the dream i can barely touch it tho
i wish i could touch that dream like i can touch my tears
i wish i could show you my love my desires
my fears
why i am like this why i am not like that
i wish that i wasnt invisible
all the time
i wish i could show
  and then maybeyou would change your mind
abotu the way i think
and the way  i look
and things would be alright and right


thoughts of today

Nice thought for the day
I pray and pary
to feel right and look right from in the inside out
Ya Rab
help me today, tommorow and everyday
help me so i can say
that everyday
i good when i am with you
even if bad news
i am happy that I am alive and not a woman of broken bolts
Ya Rab I ask your permission to smile and be better
and I ask you to forgive me
for that is the only thing t hat can make me trully happy

Friday, May 25, 2012

at the crossraods of a new plan

Dear God - here I am asking for your help - I have grown up and am asking for grown up things
I ask for big chances and even bigger types of forgiveness - es
I ask for you to return me to to the path of A heaven
I hear you give without pay
I hear you forgive without question
I hear you are kind before you are not
I hear you are my only chance and my only happinness

Dear God - here I am suddenly aware that i am only weak because you are not with me
and I am only weak because i do not believe in myself
I am sorry for all ive done
ther eis a gaping hole in my heart
a wounded pain
all by me
and here i am
that you forgive me
that you allow me to do biger and better things

Ya Rab
here is my crossraods to you
 Ya Rab help me
Ya Rab
I need your guidance
Ya Rab

I ask for your help 

Thursday, May 24, 2012

turning fans

again...the pain of two dream
the one with unlimited light, dance and eyes
and the one where  the sound of a fan calms me and soothes me and respects me

i respect myself

again the pain of two fantasies
the one with fame
and the one with tame
the one with glitter
and the one where a small lamp for a baby's room flickers

it is warm
it is sudan and it is beautful
the faint whisper of a turning fan , a soothing air con
a flickering bathroom light
cotton night dresses and the paints of henna flowers sleeping
to look bright again for a new day
the scent of tradition
musk at dusk and coats a soft body
pillows with feathers and not factory

I love the sound of fans at night through the night
the rythmical wave of air making peace
with your body
cooling your fate
changing your time of seconds and hours of ...another night
but every night is special
if youl isten to the sound of a fan
beating , in the backround of love
and still water
in glasses
waiting to be used
until then their slim meniscus chills to the circles of sleep
snooze buttons wait too
and tv's watch amidst the led red of  off

I love the sound of a turning fan at night
it makes me feel calm and soothed with reality of rythym and quest to find that room of calmness within me
that only has a turning fan of calm

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

rewritten 1

i havnt written what i want in a long time
what i need and what i feel
my metaphors are all broken becasue im broken
my sentences are all weak becasue im weak
my feelings are all wrong becasue im wrong
in what im tihnking and doing
and being andl iving and how i want to do things
and not do thigns
and my stories are funcionles and useless
and my life is wasted because my time isnt mine
i have a war against my nafs that i have been losing and hte consequence is battles lost
in time
time and time again this soul is mine is winning
is getting all it wants
frome me
not becasue i want to
but becasue i cannot stop it
from living through me
and being a part of my inconsistency and impurity
shaping my inner and external truth to a mirage of disgust

i find myself lost
and no longer under control

i cannot see myself
i cannot be the truth
because i cannot
 hear the truth
or wake up to it
no i am asleep
i am un - me
i am not correct
i am not an A
and i want to be an A

i tihnk to myself
i have one chance in life
within that chance there are millions of small connections all summing the end of one chance
that chance will either be
the ultimate failure or the ultimate success
and your result is htis continuous exam
 that you arrive in everyday
and start every morning

tell me if u look at the scales from here to there
where are u ?
are you border line orange red
or border line blue green
or beautiful a colour that i dont know about but you cano nly see if you go to the tips of heaven

Monday, May 21, 2012

The Plan 7- understand the truth

The Prophet (peace be upon him) constantly preached the message of good health. He knew that healthy bodies carry healthy solis. The Prophet (pbuh) is reported to have said that a strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than a weak one, and there is good in both. This shows the importance Islam places on spiritual and physical strength.


if dreams came true
and fantasies real
if boundaires were broken
and you could be what you feel

Imagine if you could try
and succeed
how would it be that day
that week
that moment indeed

Imagine if you could be
anything yuo wanted to be
close to God
close to a heaven
A heaven
not a heaven

Imagine that you were there
that moment in time
between space and earth
imagine if you were  there

then, Imagine if you wernt there
and you didnt reach
what would you say or do or
would you beg for another chance
would you know its too late and just go
orwould you stand there and think of this moment
when you still took the wrong raod

Imagine if you tried
and were everything you ever wanted to be and do

Thursday, May 17, 2012

is it 1.35 or 3.35 am?

feeling im in the wrong place but at the right time i have so much to do always in wrong gear and always unable to speed up or slow down when i need
im listening to khartoum streets and broken taillights african style of radio makes me move my body and reminisce on ad ream of a future moment khartoum  the broken city of my dreams the heartbroken africa tale of a slashed country a part for me and a part for hell
i feel like im in the middle of its heartbeat bleeding just like it is
i feel like if i close my eyes i can see the green shops closed and the people asleep all 40million and then some of them
i feel like i can hear their cars sleep too and the dirt on the streets the dirty water and the cold pasgianoses in the freezers, the days waiting to turn and i am here
in the air between two countries two moments in time
two hours in space where i am lost
unknown to where i belong am i here or there?
am i meant to be here or am I meant to be there
asleep like everyone else
or insomniac sleep lover
i want to become an insomniac ive slept enough i want to be like dark angel
or like captain america who works out atnight
i want to be different strong and able for the most difficult of hardship
one being to combat my soul
this weak and dishonest terrible minefield of trauma and trouble
selfish and unable to tell me anything but destruction
i never feel right
and so i must jolt it out of position and teach it a lesson
and show it something its never seen before
like listening to a sudanese radio station in the middle of london

like STOP just STOP wanting attention
and feeling like you cannot survive

tell me what does pain mean to you
is it two peopel who love each other not being able to be together?
is it dreams not coming true even though they were meant to ...come true
or is it to see a woman destroying her self more and more each day through always feeling like shes at the wrong place but at the righ time
young and healthy
yet its slowly passing
and one day it will only be the pain of missing a day days of time 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

why are you giving up petrol, breath and tax_ for free

Ya Allah I need
when I look at myself
I see equaliy in other peoples mistakes
I am not a good person
and I am not the best

but i want to be

Ya Allah
sometimes i feel like i can rule my world
and noone can do anything about it
nothing can change the balance
and sometimes i feel
like i am worst than the poorest slave
unable to even beg for a piece ofa penney
hopeless to exist

Ya Allah
i dream excessively
and with great infatuation
it controls me and takes over me

and yet those dreams
those dreams are all inflated
with black magic
and broken mirrors
showing an image of beauty
when f u look closer
its really ugly
nasty and superficial

Ya Allah
here I am so lost
i dont even know where to begin
even though i have a plan wirtten
even though i have an idea to save the plan
and yet here i am unable to exist

except when i close my eyes
except when  i dream like a life saving connector
to what though
to what life?
i am the petrol of those dreams
my time is the money and my breaths are the tax i have to pay for those dreams to exist
so why do i feel ike those dreams arnt even mine
they arnt even mine
my dreams
my true dreams
are not fc and a stupid hello

see this just proves my point
it jts proves my point
somewhere somewhere
there is a connection lost
within me
because my dream is so big is so large is so great
and yet the truth is so small is so tiny is so minature
somewhere ther is a descrepency
between honesty and lies

if u closed your eyes could you imagine that/
i guess i could but its forced and unreal
look at that!
even my dreams arnt real anymore

the closest thing to isnt even real
if you were asked a question that your life dependedon in this context
is this what you want?

 simple now that is real
so then if u know that
why are u still here/

Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Plan 6_ Do better

The plan is to smile every moment because God is with you
The plan is to listen to sweet music
and remember the good dawn of sudanese day
and that i will always have mango and melon on a rainy afternoon
time and time will fly but the underground will take me to a raod worth finishing
listen to your heart and love the truth of patience and silence of love
love awaits love demands power and moments to be uncovered
you must be strong to uncover the other half of your story
and you must be worth it
for yourself and nobodyelse
but GOd s worth it
worth it all
keep your A of paradise
and dont accept anything lower
becasue you are better and u can do better
and you are here to stay to do better only
until god intervenes


The Plan 5 _where is your movie going?

Back to the basics of sanity and love
I listento my heart with a million despairs
cant rememberthe last time i remembered
cant feel the tipsof my heart

Back to the basics of a broken relation
with honesty and fusion
of time never lost and only gained
i once used to reign

my life

Back to the basics of a woman cold
frozen under a million degrees
her story never to be told
her eyes silent to the night
her soul unable to fight

Back to the basics of a faith stolen
as she lays powerless to stop it
power and desire
lust and trust
of the wrong thing , so she loses her kings
belief in her

Back to the basics
what is it that you need
what is it that you desire
what is it that you want to reitre
in a thousand seconds
in a million days
one day
one day it iwll be over
just like the girl many million miles away
but she chose to end her own fight
you choose to let someone something else do it for you
end you fight

what is the difference/

I wonder when was the last time she went to the cinema? the last film she saw in the cinema
did she know that was the last flim she was ever going to see in her life
did she know
if she did did she not see that there was so many films she should have lived to see and feel and hear and comment on so many films left to enjoy or hate or cry or laugh at did she notsee that she was her own film and that her own film had good parts and bad parts and terrible twists but also beautiful ons suprising ones and good ones
did she not see that her film was not meant to be over for it was just starting?
did she not hear that people live and die to Gods command and not their owns
until God intervenes it was up to her to intervene all she wanted but not like so
 I wonder what she was thinking in the last movie she ever went to see?
was it superficial like the way i think now
just think of the surface the bland effects of a cinema roll
I wonder was it deeper comparisons to the the inner trauma and love she felt for herself
or i wonder was she not thinking at all

I wish to God that i turn my film around
for I promise you God first
and then my family
that i am healthy and strong and beautiful
my movie is going through beaten rocks and mud and bloody rain
but one day maybe sooner that i wil imagine
it will reach snshine and power
love true love
and mystery
and no one
no one
is going to stop me

Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Plan must go on 4

i listen to the song that makes me cry
a love story that i love but each time they die
I watch a memory to create a future
of a woman beautiful with a faith of armour

Monday, May 7, 2012

The Plan 3- revolution

for revolutions only start when youre tired when youve realised theres no way but to remove the past and start again
for revolutions change people and i need a revolution
i feel like im trapped like
all i want is not what i want
like i dont even know who i am anymore

i dontknow who i am anymore
and to find out i must revolutionise

Sunday, May 6, 2012

The Plan 2

What is my dream
Have I ever had a dream
a real real dream
have i ever had any strength to hold a dream
have i ever had a meaning
a feeling
a real one

what is my dream
Have i ever lived for something
or am i just living
what is my dream
what is it that i want
how many times have i tried to search find and write about what is it that i want

what is my dream
what is my plan
what is my life about
what is it that i mean
what is it that angers me
pains me
strenthens me
weakens me
worries me
fails me
loves me
what is it that i dream
want and feel
what is it that i want

what is my dream

The Plan 1

What is the Plan
is it really just breathe>?
is it really just dream>?

What is my Plan
That I should live for

What is my Plan to fight a soul filled with weakness
filled with trepidation instead of comfort for faith

What is the Plan to be the best
why should anyone pass more than me
and reach God better than me
Why should i let anybody else have something that i have too but I
I just have thrown it away!

funny really \
stupid really
broken really

what is the Plan
isnt it a mess to go to sleep when the angels are awake
when the doors are open are for prayer
when god is waiting to answer

isnt it a mess

What is the Plan

sleeping hero

Super power
the only super power i want is to be able to stop myself from doing something i dont want to do
something sinful
something wrong
something that hurts me and sends me back thousands of years
the years of jahiliyah

Super strength
the only super strength i need is the strength to never give up , never stop believing that i am stronger better than this better than weakness better than ugliness better than a face of mistakes and desire

Super woman
the only woman i want to become is the woman of faith the woman of faithful understnading and patience
love for the one above and knowledge that he is watching
and that he is is all knowing

Super saving
the only saving iwant to do is the saving of myself
the saving from hell
from fire
from devils
that will say
u were told
but u didnt listen
now listen to this rage

Super fear
The only fear i must possess is the fear of dissapointing god
God is dissapointed i nme
i know
i feel
i am better than this
i am wiser than this
and iam sure i was sent here to do nicer things than always bring myself down

Super love
the only love i want to have is the love for my self my soul my heart
i mean that in no way selfish
but i am jealous because i really loved myself
i would be a different person
not this strange and enstranged person

I want to wake up through the night and yet i sleep all through it
i want to pray on time and yet i never do
 iwant to be the smartest and yet i never try
i want to trick my way in and out
and yet i am crap at joking
 i want to feel loved and yet i am isolated
from love and anything remotely involved with it
to be
i am

and yet my dreams
my dreams
are so precious
no matter how i hurt them
they still
no moatter how i forget them
they still remember me\
no matter how i hate them
they still want me
no matter how i damge them
they still glitter
for me to see them

i feel like a hero buried in the ground of sin
forgotten by strength
and time has passed
forgotten story
forgotten memory
i feel like a hero underneath a shadow of mistakes
of lies to her soul
a soul cold in time
a heart frozen to dissappear
but that heart
thath eart
within it lies a try
lies a cry
to be free
i feel like a hero
waiting to be saved
to be a hero again
but there is no one that can save me
no the answer must come from within

for inside all that ice
that has isolated me from life
there is a beat
a faint small beat
that must get quicker
in order
to melt all that pain

there is a hero sleeping
there is a hero fallen
there is a hero forgotten
there is a hero taken

there is a hero within me
ther e is a hero insdie me
ther e is a hero that makes me
ther e is a her o that changes me

ther is a hero lost
taht hero i will wake at any cost
there is a hero that must be woken
there is a hero that has words unspoken

there is a hero
that is acting anything but
or is it real
real acting
or is it a lifeless form of another existence
and if i was hit hard enough
i would feel the truth

or if i was heated hot enough
i would understand the consequence of real acting

there is a hero that is far far away
she cannot save anybody before she find her way
before she wakes up
before she realises
that sleepign is her own choice
that thhe hero inside her is still awake 

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -