Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Plan 5 _where is your movie going?

Back to the basics of sanity and love
I listento my heart with a million despairs
cant rememberthe last time i remembered
cant feel the tipsof my heart

Back to the basics of a broken relation
with honesty and fusion
of time never lost and only gained
i once used to reign

my life

Back to the basics of a woman cold
frozen under a million degrees
her story never to be told
her eyes silent to the night
her soul unable to fight

Back to the basics of a faith stolen
as she lays powerless to stop it
power and desire
lust and trust
of the wrong thing , so she loses her kings
belief in her

Back to the basics
what is it that you need
what is it that you desire
what is it that you want to reitre
to
in a thousand seconds
in a million days
one day
hope
one day it iwll be over
just like the girl many million miles away
but she chose to end her own fight
you choose to let someone something else do it for you
end you fight

what is the difference/

I wonder when was the last time she went to the cinema? the last film she saw in the cinema
did she know that was the last flim she was ever going to see in her life
ever
did she know
if she did did she not see that there was so many films she should have lived to see and feel and hear and comment on so many films left to enjoy or hate or cry or laugh at did she notsee that she was her own film and that her own film had good parts and bad parts and terrible twists but also beautiful ons suprising ones and good ones
did she not see that her film was not meant to be over for it was just starting?
did she not hear that people live and die to Gods command and not their owns
until God intervenes it was up to her to intervene all she wanted but not like so
 I wonder what she was thinking in the last movie she ever went to see?
was it superficial like the way i think now
just think of the surface the bland effects of a cinema roll
I wonder was it deeper comparisons to the the inner trauma and love she felt for herself
or i wonder was she not thinking at all

I wish to God that i turn my film around
for I promise you God first
and then my family
that i am healthy and strong and beautiful
my movie is going through beaten rocks and mud and bloody rain
but one day maybe sooner that i wil imagine
it will reach snshine and power
love true love
and mystery
and no one
no one
is going to stop me

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -