rewritten 1

i havnt written what i want in a long time

what i need and what i feel
my metaphors are all broken becasue im broken
my sentences are all weak becasue im weak
my feelings are all wrong becasue im wrong
in what im tihnking and doing
and being andl iving and how i want to do things
and not do thigns
and my stories are funcionles and useless
and my life is wasted because my time isnt mine
i have a war against my nafs that i have been losing and hte consequence is battles lost
in time
time and time again this soul is mine is winning
is getting all it wants
frome me
not becasue i want to
but becasue i cannot stop it
from living through me
and being a part of my inconsistency and impurity
shaping my inner and external truth to a mirage of disgust

i find myself lost
and no longer under control

i cannot see myself
i cannot be the truth
because i cannot
 hear the truth
or wake up to it
no i am asleep
i am un - me
i am not correct
i am not an A
and i want to be an A

i tihnk to myself
i have one chance in life
within that chance there are millions of small connections all summing the end of one chance
that chance will either be
the ultimate failure or the ultimate success
and your result is htis continuous exam
 that you arrive in everyday
and start every morning

tell me if u look at the scales from here to there
where are u ?
are you border line orange red
or border line blue green
or beautiful a colour that i dont know about but you cano nly see if you go to the tips of heaven