Sunday, May 27, 2012

jealous to be better

I know  Iam at fault just like with everything
but sometimes I canot help but think its not fair
I
am a good person
stubborn and a little mena
but i am a good person
and ive always been more kinder
its just sometimes i cant help being angry being annoyed wanting change
wanting a better understanding from you from them
and sometimes i think all i want is to be better
ya Rab i want to be btter
i want
not to be at fault al lthe time
suddenly i feel second
but then ive always been in second place right?
i feel awful
dow n
that i am the cause of this downess
i should be better because i have a better heart
but i have no idea how to show it to you
i wish you couuld see it
that girl dreaming in the picture with satin dantelle and flowers of crystal beads
so soft so elegant
so clean
so pure
so yours
so true
the dream i can barely touch it tho
i wish i could touch that dream like i can touch my tears
i wish i could show you my love my desires
my fears
why i am like this why i am not like that
i wish that i wasnt invisible
misunderstood
weak
all the time
i wish i could show
you
  and then maybeyou would change your mind
abotu the way i think
and the way  i look
and things would be alright and right

forever

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -