Wednesday, May 16, 2012

why are you giving up petrol, breath and tax_ for free

Ya Allah I need
when I look at myself
I see equaliy in other peoples mistakes
I am not a good person
and I am not the best

but i want to be

Ya Allah
sometimes i feel like i can rule my world
and noone can do anything about it
nothing can change the balance
and sometimes i feel
like i am worst than the poorest slave
unable to even beg for a piece ofa penney
hopeless to exist

Ya Allah
i dream excessively
and with great infatuation
it controls me and takes over me

and yet those dreams
those dreams are all inflated
with black magic
and broken mirrors
showing an image of beauty
when f u look closer
its really ugly
nasty and superficial

Ya Allah
here I am so lost
i dont even know where to begin
even though i have a plan wirtten
even though i have an idea to save the plan
and yet here i am unable to exist

except when i close my eyes
except when  i dream like a life saving connector
to what though
to what life?
i am the petrol of those dreams
my time is the money and my breaths are the tax i have to pay for those dreams to exist
so why do i feel ike those dreams arnt even mine
they arnt even mine
my dreams
my true dreams
are not fc and a stupid hello


see this just proves my point
it jts proves my point
somewhere somewhere
there is a connection lost
within me
because my dream is so big is so large is so great
and yet the truth is so small is so tiny is so minature
somewhere ther is a descrepency
between honesty and lies

if u closed your eyes could you imagine that/
?
i guess i could but its forced and unreal
look at that!
even my dreams arnt real anymore

the closest thing to isnt even real
if you were asked a question that your life dependedon in this context
is this what you want?
yes
or
no?


NO
 simple now that is real
so then if u know that
why are u still here/
?

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -