Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Run Island

I don't have a lot to say
except that - I wish I was on an island
where they take me from this world whether I want to or not
they take me to this beautiful island where there is nothing but palm trees and little huts, where there is sand and beach and water, cocunuts and the sound of far away
it doesnt matter if the storm comes or if the sun drains the land with heat
they take me to this island
where they rip me apart from my old emotions
and they make me run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and eat only.... very little until my shape changes
where they only have freezing cold showers.. outside
where only u sleep at a certain time and wake at a certain time and wear colours of nothing really
in this island there is no emotion, you cannot think about anything except what you are doing in that very moment in time
you just think of how to survive
you have no past no future no pain no memories
you have no time but to think about the energy you need to
run and run and run and run and run
I wish I was on an island like that
where its just what I have to do - do it
nothing else

the rest of your mind you cannot see
the rest of your thoughts you cannot bring
the rest of your heart you drown behind you


and run and run and run and run

Monday, July 26, 2010

Ramadan _ the best of everything

i believe that I can be the best of everything
i want to be the strongest that i Can ever achieve
I realise that it takes hard work and effort otherwise i IWill slip
But I want to be the best of everything I can ever afford
I want you God to help me and save and allow me to ask forgiveness
I pray that you look down on me and be there for me and forgive me
I want ramadan to be my only hope
I want my mind to concentrate on this like a passionate love
for I will never find a greater love
than when god brings down the heavens from above
to us here

Sunday, July 25, 2010

City of Ramadan_ I live here now

Nisf Shaban_ Half to Ramadan

The 26th Of July Monday 2010 will be Half the month of shaban_ month before ramadan - so around 2 weeks left now until Ramadan -
it is a speial good night where prayers can be answered and your will to God renwed before the faithful intentions to Ramadan _
reading Yaseen three times beginning after Maghrib and you must finish before isha
After each Yaseen you read the above Du'a
and on each yaseen you ask for

Lengthening of Life
Lifting of troubles from you
That you do not need people's pity

Saturday, July 24, 2010

A better life starts with better thinking

“You should repulse a thought.

If you do not do so, it will develop into a desire.

You should therefore wage war against it.

If you do not do so, it will become a resolution and firm intention.

If you do not repulse this, it will develop into a deed.

If you do not make up for it by doing the opposite thereof

[the opposite of that evil deed], it will become a habit.

It will then be very difficult for you to give it up”

“You should know that the initial stage of every knowledge that is within your choice is your thoughts and notions.

These thoughts and notions lead you into fantasies.

These fantasies lead towards the will and desire to carry out [those fantasies]. These wills and desires demand the act should be committed.

Repeatedly committing these acts cause them to become a habit.

So the goodness of these stages lies in the goodness of thoughts and notions,

and the wickedness of these thoughts lies in the wickedness of thoughts and notions.”

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Before Ramadan Love became ill

If I'm going to enter Ramadan and make this work then I am adamant to let go of all my fears, all my pain, all my misconceptions
Yes I am a dreamer - Yes I am unrealistic
Yes I am afraid I will never find the right kind of man to fall in love with me
I don't think I'm interesting enough or beautiful enough or even good enough
I don't even know what I'm looking for
That is not the point for I know that god can give me anything
But I don't have enough strength for patience or for remembering Allah
It makes me dissapointed in myself that something so beautiful can make me so bad
it makes me sad that sometimes I might be ready to let go of everything
i have so much love to give
I have so much passion inside me
and i love that in me
it makes me different from every woman I know
But ....
I need to return that love to God, to myself,
life revolves around the Love you are willing to give to God
And that is what I have failed in
BUt I write on paper that I am sorry
and that all i miss is loving you god
all i miss is having you near my side always as i wake and sleep and live
I write on paper that i give you all my dreams for exchange of new ones
and to keep them for me
i write on paper that love has become something ill for me
so Ink my fears and splash my bad thoughts for ramadan to cure

Before Ramadan trust vanished

Trust is something so valuable - I have learned that the hard way
But the river of trust can only begin by it's first creator - God
If you do not trust God and his mysterious ways for you - or his challenges for you or his paths for you
then you cannot trust anything or anyone
Trusting god suddenly lifts tonnes of your shoulders
suddenly picks you up from falling
by trusting that god has everything written for you beautifully you are safe
and u can turn to yourself
you can look towards trusting yourself
for you know now that you are just a part of this written paper of things happening
i let go on paper today that I have forgotten how to trust god
trying to do everything
tryingto find everything
trying to fix everything
trying to think of everything
trying to forget me
i write on paper that I am sorry to myself for letting myself get so forgotten
right now I cannot even trust myself

But ramadan comes and ramadan will heal
I will change and trust will flow once again

Before Ramadan I have never felt good

when you search for pleasure and good feelings in areas away from faith, in areas far from god
your whole life becomes misery
its becomes an aimless goal
it becomes a terrible time

and the cycle continues cuz ur continously looking for something to make you feel good and you can't find it

when you think about it - it's the same rythym as addiction - you want to escape and you can't

I've had enough - Before Ramadan I give all my empty desires to paper
as i am going to search in the right place
I am going to feel good through faith, through staying up and reading Quran, through dreaming of heaven
by looking good for faith - by living for faith - by loving god - so much it will become unreal to love something else or another greater

A secret I MUST let go of....

I hold the phone to my ear as the sounds of his voice magnify in every half second – My ears hustle and try and wash the combustion of fear , fury and fantasy all mixed in one – I freeze for even he might know my breath, I don’t even blink for he might see me – I just sit and absorb the heaviness of my discovery – I have just stumbled on one of the darkest heaviest secrets of mankind - and it was all enfolding wrapped up from a deadly flower to a ripe true scent of time coming real for my only ears to hear and my only mind to have and my only eyes to tear about ...for the rest of time???
I know that God and faith have tested me I know that I have not been the tested known to pass – I haven’t failed either – I am stuck

I’m stuck between boundaries I should not enter, between twists of lies that web me distilled in anger and fury traumatised to find a reason to understand how things have turned out like this – I am stuck in memories of that night and this night and other nights were a secret had become a battle lost enfolding within my eardrums and underneath my heart and above my memories and encapsulated I am tied to all this mess

A secret is a secret – it is not meant to be known – therefore when it is discovered you are faced with options –
– the option to change it from a secret into something else – or the option to become a part of it
But getting stuck in not knowing what to do about it and letting it consume you further and further like a series of attacks or a series of emergencies unhelped is not the answer
I don’t think I will ever be the same again – maybe this is what is sticking to me and disallowing me to move
But I have lived like this – stuck in grief and it has not done anything but destroyed me –
I know that Ramadan is the best thing coming
It is my only hope
It is my true survival kit
It is everything I need –
New Time
Sanctuary with myself and faith
So this is a note :
No secret shall encroach upon me anymore
No pain of a secret can become my misery
I have let it all out on paper
He can do what he wants
He can be who he desires
And I will continue to love him and respect him and want what’s best for him
But I want to change my whole world around
And his secret is not a part of that anymore

Before Ramadan secrets are agonising

It's time to forget secrets
It's time to remember that you are not living to hold secrets for others or even for yourself
You are living for faith and god and you are living under his secrets and his miracle
It's time to close your eyes and let secrets get washed away
Don't be afraid of them
Don't let them bring you down
Don't let them BE your life
Don't let a secret ruin your life

Before Ramadan There was no calm

I have lost my calm for so long now
I could not stay calm at times when I really needed to be calm
Because I have less faith
Of course, carrying on is difficult then
You get stuck in all your uprisings

But no more
With Ramadan as my only healing coming
I will learn how to be calm -
I will find all the ways to calm me down
Sanctuary in Quran
Finding the time for myself
Forgeting about food and drink and other worldy products and remembering the real importances
The only things that can make you calm

A clean soul
A new heart

Before Ramadan_ The beginning

The Toni Rich Project_ Nobody Knows that I miss my aunt & uncle

This song reminds me of my aunt and uncle as we used to drive by khartoum streets, nightime glistened and cars hooted for life to get out of the way but we were still, we were still with family, no money and extreme happiness, to be together to understand one another - for me to love life and to feel youth that could exist as we drove on rented cars finding a place for delicious ice cream listening to this song and other romantic songs on our 'cassette' player

When we got home we talked all through the night, mid night and quarter, I felt so expensive as - I felt revived with their love as i saw them and saw their love for each other
I envied them!
they were young romantic modern cool and yet they were traditional respectful wonderful and kind
for me they had everything
they had passion, late breakfasts, sweet words, they had beautiful children, they knew how to make someone laugh!they knew how to stay young, hey were young and they made me fall in love with sudan and more love

I used to see my aunt as part of my future womanly structure - in the future i Wanted to act like her , look like her , talk like her and make a family like her

my holidays were fun because of them
a big part of my past holds them ---
I will never forget midnight to sunshine -where we used to pray fajr and then sleep - they let me dream and i let myself dream....

So....What happened to them???

NOthing really... Just life I guess

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Sudanese Bridal Dancing_ From history to present

It has always been a beautiful tradition for Sudanese weddings. In the Past, even men used to watch as a woman wore certain types of head gold, special hooped stamped earrings , a nose ring, and mainly red shining garments..... dress and the traditional toob_ a material about 4 metres in length.

as time entered modernity, women became more artistic, more fashionable , more unique, and always more daring to wear sexier and beautiful clothes. Some old songs remain the same but new 'girl' ones developed ones that can be added to the directory of sudanese wedding dance but others ones have been counted as lame and are not that respectable in terms of words and meaning.

Girls who become women on their wedding days as such, used to love this tradition, they are happy to have this special moment where they are cheered, where they become queens where they reach stardom , where they look like stars in front of their husbands, relatives & friends

where they use this once in a life time chance to do something to be remembered forever.

I remember since I was a child begging to go this part of the sudanese wedding , each different bride became a famous person for me, a token , a gift like something I could never touch, like a dream I wanted to be
I loved how she opened her arms and swayed her neck or when the music got faster how she flipped her hips and everyone clapped and 'zagrat' ( unique whistling sounds Sudanese women are famous for)

The atmospheres where incredible, like a sold out concert, a place where you were lucky to be invited to, Women chatted and ate, drank and had such a good time, and without knwoing forming part of everlasting history by having came

Then as I grew up i discovered that people got less traditional, This scared me and I started instead of choosing from all the weddings I could go to, to practically starving to find a bride who had a dance as part of her wedding. When I asked why suddenly the dancing was getting less, the answers became hotter, quicker and more and more explainable but unexplainable at the same time


Time not available

Trust in people was drastically failing - Society had rising bad thoughts, more women used cameras to tape and download on the internet this private show and other disallowed males became more spying
Simply put - families starting to see society eyes as a jinx of happiness

The dancing tradition in general instead of being now seen as a beautiful old safe tradition was starting to be sold as a bad behaviour, women who danced were seen as Atypical brides.

More men and families became extra religious and misunderstanding of what is converted as an extremity - more and more people started seeing bridal dance as more a sinful act and contained no other benefits

I was always suprised. The last time I've been to a dance has been in an exctinct time. Honestly I Can't remember..... it could be 4 years now or more . My chances areless and less as i don't live in Sudan.

I wish I could revive it - I wish I could revive people & dreams of shining that stardom a woman feels for one night once again.


If i ever got married I think I would dance.
What i mean is
even though I really want to dance I know that I must hope for chance to give me the correct circumstance and the correct destiny to do so

I have placed a couple of famous songs by a famous singer and drum beater (Gisma
some slow, some old , some new, but mainly all are a part of sudanese history now...

Gisma_ Where are you manga? ( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_Ween Ya nas ( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_Rahmak Ya Malak ( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ Alrayga( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ AleelaDoob We have to accept what's written ( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ Soog Ya Sawag, Drive Driver! ( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ Tamase Soba( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ Raqsat Altaliba( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ Sit Alfalata( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ Haga Kolin Kolin( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ Al3indi, what I have, I won't Give!( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ Aleela aleela( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

INspired by Combination_afternoon @ half 1

peppercorn chicken with celery, green pepper and white onion sauce
I find combining your history with modern life and unrefined talent with television ideas ( for me, Rachel Ray 30 minute dinner at half 1, ) can make quite strange dishes and open new cookery delights
So what else can i find interest in combining -
happiness & strength?
Love & Life?
PLeaseure & Destiny?
I have one....
Living Good Faith & Living for Heaven.........
There is no question about that

I never used to like liver ....

I never used to like Liver but now I Do

Steaming hot frying pan with only a tiny bit of oil,

mince garlic, herbs and then wait for the sizzles and hot steam

the liver will not let its juices out like this and so stay succulent but fried

There are a lot of things I didnt use to like and now i do

and there are a lot of things I use to like and now I dont

Life changes

people change for you

you discover that you are not the same anymore

you retire into yourself and find new things

to pull out and use, eat, desire

Vanilla Pain

It’s not about lies, it’s about betrayal. It’s about the darkness behind someone’s thoughts; it’s about trying to survive with a foreign language never heard. I never knew I could be betrayed like this, I never knew things could go wrong like this. I never knew a moment or time my life would end up so lost… like this.

just thinking 4

Why do I still care?
I care because I will always remember a dream I had – someone passionate about religion and country someone passionate about himself
I remember the sun gliding into our backs as a holiday drew to an end meaning everything to me and nothing to him
But the I
that I am now
is nothing he knows
he is everything
I wish to forget
But I still remember
always deep down
he is so similar to me
everything is so similar to me
and yet he proved dramatically foreign , he proved the urban man with a ticket away to the malls of the west, he proved like he could melt with Africa but never cover enough latitude to stay

But then he would do something like be kind to family or speak in Arabic or make everyone laugh and I would see the resemblance of his features with Sudan, with himself, with hidden consequence all over again
If anyone can see it – he is Sudanese – he looks, talks, jokes, breathes, coughs, sleeps, eats, hates, loves, wants, desires, admires, knows that he is Sudanese
But what does that mean? For him it is extra baggage, for him it is a weakness and a strength when needed for him it is an exchange to be made for him it is a reason to forget old life and make a new life for himself
away from grapefruits & mangoes, afternoon fiestas, broken electricity and ice blocks in water,
away from hot dust & fajr azans, white cotton Friday breakfast, coffee beans and sweet dough,
away from visiting and being visited, away from everything he was born for and everything he is now - dying towards
away from everything he could have been, from a childhood forgotten and a person forever lost
away from all he craves and doesn’t taste , we might have made it , away from here – in another world, in another place, somewhere where he would have understood , someplace where he would have wanted – to be someone else – where he thought differently and acted beautifully and was patient with Life

I would love him in that place, I would give him my all –

Sunday, July 11, 2010

just thinking 3

I close my eyes and imagine dreams intensifying behind closed rainbows of fearless african colour
colour of love
colour of time
colour of joy
as if the heat of all moments was just eyelids away
you smile and I know what you want
I know what I want

the desert has melted with love for us
we make compassion
we make honesty
we make faith

I close my eyes and see the african storm suddenly calm down
for it is watchin us and we are stronger
I close my eyes and see the nile tremble
for we are waves of passion greater
I close my eyes and see the streets blush
for we stop red faster
I close my eyes and see a shooting star living
I close my eyes and see my shooting star

But then I am jolted from a dream into everything I am today
everything that made me and brought me
into position to be changed by everything here and not there

where africa dreams too
and sunrise
... we wait for together
and sunset colours escape into the night

it is all taken away from me

by sudden memory
by sudden fury
by sudden unwishful thinking
by everything maddening and nothing meaning

everything is beautifully taken away

I have to open my eyes

just thinking 2

I'm gona find you
and when I do
all the lonely days will go
and life will flow
eternally true

too many years blind
So I search in you
my heart in you

I know I'm gona find you
and dreaming I do
will become real
and I will feel
your touch and
we will love each other so much

as easy as just walking though snow
I will be warm with your glow

maybe we've met in places
maybe our faces
faced already known
life has shown
nothing to be impossible

or are they future memories?

I belive in magic
not having you is tragic
but losing you is evanescent
meeting you is reminscent
of commitment

I know im gona breakthrough
I know I have a clue
l long for you
I think of you
I pray for you
and that is my cue

will you recognise the image in my eyes
Im waiting for you to wipe away all my cries
yes you can
that is my plan
for I lengthen my patience
and I wake up earlier to
have you

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Journey of Happiness by Amr Khaled_ Ramadan 2010

the time is nearing
when all mankind can be saved again
when all muslims should reach for their chance to become reborn
The time is nearing when history intertwines and mingles with the days you live and fast and gratify your fait hwith exceptional meaning
the time is nearing when you break from evil
and forget the sinful
and start life as meant to begin
the time is nearing when you are found
and sound
and your life makes sense
for you are living a purpose
everday you live to erase the angry
the soul that mesmerises on bringing you lust and short dreams
now is anchored by passion of commitment and long dreams
that same soul that was against you
is now for you
and woulddo anything to please you
and is under your strength and your spell
of rejuvenations
the time is nearing when you embark on a journey of happiness
to fulfill forgiveness
and goodness
and true depositions of love
its time to change
its time to find who you are
and most importantly
its time to find God, and the heavens, and purity and islam
its time to find your faith

just thinking 1

I think about a lot of things...

I think about the way things are meant to be

about the way things are now
whose meaning is it

or faith is it

or love is it

for life to go on the way it is now....





dangerously beautiful and exceptionally cruel

I imagine dreams true

I hurt for I have not found you a way I dont even want my dreams

for I trust in God

and I want gods dreams for me

I want dreams that I have not dreamt

that is so much more


and yearning

and romantic

and real

than anything before

I hear thoughts

I see lies

I feel intensity

I feel blame

when all I want to be
is calm

is different

is strong

so strong that nothing compares to the beauty of my strength

for sometimes I know I am not beautiful

I definitely dont feel beautiful

beauty in me


beauty in me
is secret anyway
and it will always be

until beauty in me is found
the right way

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Papers from Sudan 2 _Reminiscing Sudanairways

I used to remember the delight and excite inside me when the realms of sudan airways began to near - as I skipped to read its name on the screen and shout to my mum
I remember the beautiful feeling that sudan has extended its arms out to get you and bring you home
for once you even just hear sudan airways - you begin to feel you are home
from the blue and yellow colours to the chatting of travelling women meeting for the first time but talking as if they know each other forever and the screams of crying children and eavy handbags
and pure disorganisation
I was still...

I remember the delays that became so normal it wasnt even anger or rage when you were informed
I remember the taking off and the prayer said for protection to guard us along this safe flight

I did feel safe

I remember the joy of seeing the first signs of sudanese land from the sky
the desert the different colours the different methods of life , true life exploded from the small plane window into my heart
for I always have the window seat!
I remember the rummage of luggage and pushing to get out and laughter and eschange of addresses and then...

and sun
and my eyes connected with its own eyes
the heat was a natural antiseptic from the past travels
the heat was a natural shock of making you alive
the heat was a purity against my frozen being
for in that split second the heat reminds me that I am here and I am a part of this land
born here , no matter where I go the heat is what surrounds me

the article was about a man's experience and love for Sudan airways
I never knew we were allowed 46 kilos of luggage !
but I do know Sudan airways was slowly destroyed until extinction making Sudan one of the minority of countries NOT to have its own airline internationally

Monday, July 5, 2010

If you ask me how I feel I will say I feel like writing is dying inside me

If you ask me how I feel I will say I feel like writing is for bad people
people who give their thoughts for others to read...
is a selfish thing to do
words are powerful so if you use them you are roaring with pleasure of saying
maddens others and that is a wicked thing to do
so if you ask me how I feel I will say I feel like writing is for wicked people
people who are not afraid to say what they think
or what they want through writing they take
are people who are very dangerous
they learn to write and read and they grow up one day
simply taking everything that was not theirs

If you ask me how I feel I will say I feel like writing is a terrible thing
a thing for people who have desires and they scream to be felt
through writing they find what they desire , the letters make up the words make up the sentences make up the stories
that make them feel
through their pens and their papers
or their typing as modern writing entails
they write by electronic details
they write when the time is wrong and the days are moving
they write to stay the same and to remain in pleasure
regarding the pain
they write to feel things they never felt or things they bleed to feel
they prepare their imaginations on boards to key touch
If you ask me how I feel I will say I feel like I should stop writing
because nothing means anything
everything i want to write about has been taken by other writers
before me and after me and now
if you ask me how I feel
I will say I feel like writing is worth .... what the mind can never truly understand

Papers from Sudan 1 _ Marry an UGly man!!

I will begin placing pieces from Sudanese newspapers I like in this new file -

Papers from Sudan

This small article embellishes the fact that women who marry an 'ugly' man regarding looks have a higher chance of having children and more of them compared to those who marry a ' handsome' man.
Of course it's funny and also very broad for who I think is 'ugly' looking, an other woman might think very 'handsome' - and vica versa

but it was a nice start reading this in the morning
(thank you mother)

Friday, July 2, 2010

Lost champion

sit back and let the world take your hard work and your talent
watching yourself get beaten because you have not practised or because you have not tried
suddenly what you used to do so easily
gets so difficult
suddenly who you are becomes meaningless
suddenly you are vulnerable to all

U start to feel the weakness inside but you are still too fuelled to lose
For a while you have enough of past fuel to let you run into suspension
for a while people are afraid of you, devils don't know how to atack you and even though you are losing
there is still a chance

will you take that chance though?
will you fight until the end
will you think of new ways so you do not get beaten
or will you drop and cry
will you take it badly so bad you cannot breathe more energy
you cannot think of new life for death has consumed you

I fear I was a champion
I knew what to do with who I am and most importantly
I believed
I knew I believed
I had no fear of ever losing that belief

have I become a broken champion
have I just let all my soul go to waste
Lost champion where do I go?

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -