Sunday, July 18, 2010

Before Ramadan Love became ill

If I'm going to enter Ramadan and make this work then I am adamant to let go of all my fears, all my pain, all my misconceptions
Yes I am a dreamer - Yes I am unrealistic
Yes I am afraid I will never find the right kind of man to fall in love with me
I don't think I'm interesting enough or beautiful enough or even good enough
I don't even know what I'm looking for
That is not the point for I know that god can give me anything
But I don't have enough strength for patience or for remembering Allah
It makes me dissapointed in myself that something so beautiful can make me so bad
it makes me sad that sometimes I might be ready to let go of everything
i have so much love to give
I have so much passion inside me
and i love that in me
it makes me different from every woman I know
But ....
I need to return that love to God, to myself,
life revolves around the Love you are willing to give to God
And that is what I have failed in
BUt I write on paper that I am sorry
and that all i miss is loving you god
all i miss is having you near my side always as i wake and sleep and live
I write on paper that i give you all my dreams for exchange of new ones
and to keep them for me
i write on paper that love has become something ill for me
so Ink my fears and splash my bad thoughts for ramadan to cure

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -