Sunday, July 18, 2010

A secret I MUST let go of....


I hold the phone to my ear as the sounds of his voice magnify in every half second – My ears hustle and try and wash the combustion of fear , fury and fantasy all mixed in one – I freeze for even he might know my breath, I don’t even blink for he might see me – I just sit and absorb the heaviness of my discovery – I have just stumbled on one of the darkest heaviest secrets of mankind - and it was all enfolding wrapped up from a deadly flower to a ripe true scent of time coming real for my only ears to hear and my only mind to have and my only eyes to tear about ...for the rest of time???
I know that God and faith have tested me I know that I have not been the tested known to pass – I haven’t failed either – I am stuck

I’m stuck between boundaries I should not enter, between twists of lies that web me distilled in anger and fury traumatised to find a reason to understand how things have turned out like this – I am stuck in memories of that night and this night and other nights were a secret had become a battle lost enfolding within my eardrums and underneath my heart and above my memories and encapsulated I am tied to all this mess

A secret is a secret – it is not meant to be known – therefore when it is discovered you are faced with options –
– the option to change it from a secret into something else – or the option to become a part of it
But getting stuck in not knowing what to do about it and letting it consume you further and further like a series of attacks or a series of emergencies unhelped is not the answer
I don’t think I will ever be the same again – maybe this is what is sticking to me and disallowing me to move
But I have lived like this – stuck in grief and it has not done anything but destroyed me –
I know that Ramadan is the best thing coming
It is my only hope
It is my true survival kit
It is everything I need –
New Time
Peace
Sanctuary with myself and faith
So this is a note :
No secret shall encroach upon me anymore
No pain of a secret can become my misery
I have let it all out on paper
He can do what he wants
He can be who he desires
And I will continue to love him and respect him and want what’s best for him
But I want to change my whole world around
And his secret is not a part of that anymore

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -