I hold the phone to my ear as the sounds of his voice magnify in every half second – My ears hustle and try and wash the combustion of fear , fury and fantasy all mixed in one – I freeze for even he might know my breath, I don’t even blink for he might see me – I just sit and absorb the heaviness of my discovery – I have just stumbled on one of the darkest heaviest secrets of mankind - and it was all enfolding wrapped up from a deadly flower to a ripe true scent of time coming real for my only ears to hear and my only mind to have and my only eyes to tear about ...for the rest of time???
I know that God and faith have tested me I know that I have not been the tested known to pass – I haven’t failed either – I am stuck
I’m stuck between boundaries I should not enter, between twists of lies that web me distilled in anger and fury traumatised to find a reason to understand how things have turned out like this – I am stuck in memories of that night and this night and other nights were a secret had become a battle lost enfolding within my eardrums and underneath my heart and above my memories and encapsulated I am tied to all this mess
A secret is a secret – it is not meant to be known – therefore when it is discovered you are faced with options –
– the option to change it from a secret into something else – or the option to become a part of it
But getting stuck in not knowing what to do about it and letting it consume you further and further like a series of attacks or a series of emergencies unhelped is not the answer
I don’t think I will ever be the same again – maybe this is what is sticking to me and disallowing me to move
But I have lived like this – stuck in grief and it has not done anything but destroyed me –
I know that Ramadan is the best thing coming
It is my only hope
It is my true survival kit
It is everything I need –
New Time
Peace
Sanctuary with myself and faith
So this is a note :
No secret shall encroach upon me anymore
No pain of a secret can become my misery
I have let it all out on paper
He can do what he wants
He can be who he desires
And I will continue to love him and respect him and want what’s best for him
But I want to change my whole world around
And his secret is not a part of that anymore
I know that God and faith have tested me I know that I have not been the tested known to pass – I haven’t failed either – I am stuck
I’m stuck between boundaries I should not enter, between twists of lies that web me distilled in anger and fury traumatised to find a reason to understand how things have turned out like this – I am stuck in memories of that night and this night and other nights were a secret had become a battle lost enfolding within my eardrums and underneath my heart and above my memories and encapsulated I am tied to all this mess
A secret is a secret – it is not meant to be known – therefore when it is discovered you are faced with options –
– the option to change it from a secret into something else – or the option to become a part of it
But getting stuck in not knowing what to do about it and letting it consume you further and further like a series of attacks or a series of emergencies unhelped is not the answer
I don’t think I will ever be the same again – maybe this is what is sticking to me and disallowing me to move
But I have lived like this – stuck in grief and it has not done anything but destroyed me –
I know that Ramadan is the best thing coming
It is my only hope
It is my true survival kit
It is everything I need –
New Time
Peace
Sanctuary with myself and faith
So this is a note :
No secret shall encroach upon me anymore
No pain of a secret can become my misery
I have let it all out on paper
He can do what he wants
He can be who he desires
And I will continue to love him and respect him and want what’s best for him
But I want to change my whole world around
And his secret is not a part of that anymore
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