Trance like

I’m in a trance

Called everything will be ok suddenly and you just don’t worry about anything except the dreams 

Worrying creates pain - 

So dream instead

Now I have added this extended pressure that I cannot make positive no more

Habits strengthen me and solidify my weaknesses filling the cracks with lava initially that hurt but after cooling make things alright 

Why not you?

Why can’t you?

Why so slow?

Why like this and not that?

Didn’t we say comparisons were the worst!

And now here I am comparing this amazing man with no man 

A story with a bigger story

Myself with my dream self

My old self with this nobody

My now with someone or something invisible

And yet the visible I. Choose to ignore

My health

My mind

My intelligence

Suddenly I’m thinking I’m the worst writer in the world rather than I’m a new writer with so many possibilities 

And why did I forget all that I have written ? All my abilities and capabilities and the most important

Passion and belief 

I’m suddenly giving up all this hard work and effort for nothing 

Suddenly pushing aside all the hard work I have to really do 

Giving my ears and everything away. 

What does it all matter?

Just dream on eh? 

Suddenly, life is back to being messy back to being goal less

Back to being too much for me 

Back to being what it was like before Ramadan 

But isn’t that what I exactly asked for would not happen 

They see you from where you cannot

Devils come and go and some stay

We have been informed and told they see you from where you cannot

I imagine devils watching me letting myself down

Because in this life the one chance we have to drive success and happiness is fragile 

And I ask myself

Why not me?

So the devil answers

It will never be you 

And then I believe

So I stop

And my mind gets foggy 

And my admiration for my strength is no more

I just see myself as a sack of fat

And a bad mother

And ugly wife and disappointing daughter

And a human with no integrity

And 

And

So the devil hits high five with the crew

See I told you it might take me longer to beat this one after Ramadan but I told you I have no doubt that I can send her rolling and falling 

So I ask myself

Isn’t it sad that the devil would be so weak and yet so strong at the same time

That he has committed to breaking dreams and goodness and aspirations and hope

This evil one wins?

And then me the good one

The really strong one I said

The one that can’t bare to give up or be told off

Loses? 

And it’s all because I have left the devil do so 

From the place he sees me and I cannot

But isnt that his only advantage? 

And didn’t god give me a heads up telling me 

That this is the case

So who has the advantage then? 

Who really has the advantage? 

An empty hole

Deep inside me there used to be worry anger and pain all filling this massive hole 

Expectation too 

Note that the hole can only be filled with bad things getting bigger like the darkest galaxy if you feed it and smaller and smaller  if you don’t 

So now there is just an empty hole

It’s still big from what it used to be 

Awaiting fillingBegging me to dive into its smooth corners where you just have no grip and tumble and tumble and tumble Or the shiny black walls that you can’t see anything past it 
But I am working. Each and everyday on not giving a place inside me for this empty hole to growA month on from Ramadan there are so many 

Unanswered questions and plenty of why’s 

Anger and fear

They’re all outside my hole banging to come in find a home for themselves 

Like swarms 

But my hole is not open for living or renting space

It’s not open 

It’s just closed and out of order 

And you know how this is happening?

Which is a miracle really

As I was previously filled with sorrow and remorse

The answer lies in trusting gods plan 

It’s as simple as that 

You can only do so much and you can only do what comes out of you and you can only look to you for existence

No one else can make you exist 

You can’t change people’s thoughts or actions and if you try align them with yours you just fail 

In most things anyway 

You just fail 

But if you look at yourself and yourself only and pray and look inwards to that empty hole to reflect light on it

You won’t have space or time to be angry to be questionable or to be afraid

I am now living by maintaining a habit of reading a small bit of Quran each night and making Duaa 

Duaa supports the life in you . Makes you feel like a winner fills you up with hope and strength and makes you know that you are not alone 

The Quran even if it’s small stabilises things 

And so now I sit with my empty hole waiting for it to get smaller 

And living outside it 

Looking at the 10/40

Sometimes you fail and you get that result so you have to choose

Do you continue in what it is you have a fail in until the end or do you give up and say it’s too hard

Or it’s not for me 

Or I knew I was in too deep 

I chose to continue - to put that result behind me and do the rest trying as I handed things forwards not just doing it 

No trying and doing and guess what 

That result changed from 10/40 

To 65/100 

And even more 

I passed 

A 

Really

Hard

Module

 

Others left it 

Others gave up 

But I will never forget sitting there with battery life doing an mcq in mid Khartoum crying over some things in my life just before and feeling like I’ve hit rock bottom 

The equations however were not harder than me or life

And so here I am in the future of that woman in the past who didn’t give up translating  her tears and efforts with success

Life is like that 

Filled with yes and no 

Filled with try and try harder

But most importantly 

Filled with 

Do not take the fail 

Move forwards and keep going until those fails becomes passes 

Do not look at the small picture

Look at the big

Do not look at the little bad things

Look at the little good things

And remember you can do it 

You do have the ability and you are not in the wrong territory

Also remember that only god can love u in a way that can save you so turn to him