Sunday, July 26, 2009

Khartoum Heartbreak 9_They didn't come

the miracle workers didnt come
they hid behind distance and unsaid ideas believing in my arrogance
they felt sorry for me, not happy for me
they talked - in the concavities of the night and between seconds of the day how they knew they were not coming - whispering how tired they were
weighing out options of dissapointing me
THAT was not tiring
Doors opened for them, i opened them
eyes respected them, I respected them
my life wanted to be like them - I wanted to be like them
my heart beat for them - I want them to be happy always - always
They remind me of old traditional love and respect,belief and miraculous strength
so I waited for them to come t hrough the door and make me ....worthwhile
they were on the other side of town intervening at the fibres of my care - for they wanted to be untied
digging potholes of years of hard work all collected in these few hours - I wanted to c them
I got so angry - what is wrong? with me, the world
because there is nothing wrong with them
miracle workers chose not to be mine
thinking of me as labours relative - nothing more , maybe less
miracle workers didnt come because its easy for them to forget me, they have forgotten me,
only ridicule me

I will always remember them
I will always stride to be like them
always love them

but I have to find a new paradigm of thinnking

In this african wave of anger and rush to eat, and to be the first
to ruin something so easily by lack of respect and a bit of care
I find that the breath of the streets is not free, I have to force air through
the people do not smile at me so free, I have to indulge in their dehydrated connection
the houses do not welcome me out of goodness and natures blood, but out of simple ruules

I wonder if i live forever here amongst the most beautiful of country, life and independance will i be .....a miracle worker...for disaster?
or will i be true and real and happy, calm and relieved that I have found home,

I am hungry for love, hungry for time spent here
hungry for passion and african breakfasts sitting on balconies and waiting for the electricity to come
I am hungry for sweets and dessert so I can taste some sugared company, some sweetened flavour that I yearn
I am hungry for a life I want and need and eat for continouly
I am hungry for living out what miracle workers showed me for it is over - moments with them are over -

but fans hydrating the love for my country, sudan and the air that I desire, still work

Friday, July 17, 2009

water shortage

There is not enough water to fall in love
To dazzle in peace under droplets of african desire
I aspire - -- to get so thirsty until I find you
The days finish ludicrously without you
In the flames of passionate sun
I am heated with a dry accommodation of bliss
with scorching kisses, with burning mind
my eyes.... fresh drought
staring at the shivering nile
it crackles a new year from within
from directions in my heart - it melts into the twisted city - the hollow concavity of my sin melody - singing portions of hope connecting my soul with bridges to you
There is not enough water to fall in love

Random Becomings in Omdurmanese

Dressing up and believing in stars and miracles
in chadelier places and glittering fates, everyone understands desire
wavering temptation along the pearls of desert - the imagination of twists of moon shine the nile delivery along the dirty path of winded but smooth Khartoum City - Honey for breakfast, glorious tea and bursting seduction of a Life I desperately desire, would retire everything for -
I wonder about what broke inside me, how I can overcome floods of nature torturing my fields
agonies of a milion tries, tribes linger home of dusted feeling their illness not forsaking - for I am true blood - but fake dedication - their echoes linger they tread miles of fury , their eyes worrying about my intentions
polished with innerly fear
help me find my way
let me reach my intended stay of summer dresses
Blissful romances of confidence
help my family...families beat time and mistakes
keep my fate precious
help me live, let me give
you and them...something to die for
I want to come back to you, love you, find you
Amongst these broken fairytales
Heal my heartburn

Comedy directions and affairs

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Khartoum Heartbreak 8_ Balcony of creation

Balconies intertwine with streets and memories pass over the stars enclosing the winds agony to blow distance and time

Good things never last, beautiful things finish too fast

I am filled with Gods wishes for me

I am filled with Romantic prosperity

like swinging infrastructure on an african sunrise - floating desert words of soundless images - I fall in dreams-

whispers they seem, - i cannot hear the fate of calling armor - echoes of passion fly by the walks of hay huts of stirred hearts - let me imagine your concubine disaster sweeping me with the storms of mudded flooded wishes -I wish for you - to forgive me

I wish for you - to desire me

rain monsooned with emotion, drive with commotion of third world places in my soul -

come find me amongst streets deserted with kisses

hold me under cries and tears of todays sunset - from a magical sun

under a sweet tree of khartoum aspiration and creation

I ..c.reate u

Diva.... I am here

My independance is precious

My strength is enormous

My life is new

My mind is beautiful...I am beautiful

My corners are organised

My hopes and dreams are passionate

Fulfilled by Islam, Success and Love

I am ...Sudan Fairytale
I am intelligent...but how so
I am strong but how much
I can be weak but how little
I am intimate but is it real
I am kind but am I not selfish?
oh God, I don't want to be selfish
i don't want people to think i am
wrong, boring, showing, telling
I want to be a secret -

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I believe you can save anything/ anyone..including me

The sky is my only friend

But God is my Love

He is and will be there for me

He will show me goodness

Like I believe

I believe in God

in Romance

I believe in flying high and never feeling low

I believe in truth and happiness and people staying strong

I believe in strength intimate with Love dedicated to worship

I believe in you

God is my Love and stars, my night and morning

my breakfast and evening tea

God is with me

and I believe that ....always

Feeling Low

And then the ground struck time and the earth shook me into today before dreams and beautiful things or anything - it hit me with now and broken people, into those sayings and hearings and what is done -what is really done- I found secrets, heavy secrets that can not be thrown for the vast light sky to consume - they are very heavy to fly - to carry a load as those with me - would be detrimental for carraige - soaking through my memories - the cold pain solidifies the hurt - it is all one - the ground takes - and the sky - the sky is my only friend

Flying High

Rythms of a wish trembling beneath the dark whispers of a cabin - placing all my emotions amongst the many asleep, they bounced against the pressure of a night falling inside my fears, my loneliness - my passions - I dreamt of stars staying, coming, going, blowing all my sadness away - Smooth flight, take me into a hemishpere of truth, of real truth, of beautiful findings and strong people - shining my life once more - I wished upon light becoming morning as the sun pronounced a new day in a new world in a new place for a new meaning - I dreamt of you - as I flew over you so high in a sky that does join people and places but also seperates desire and hope - seperates Love far away - seperates good - I was surrounded by imagination, by creation to believe -

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -