Monday, October 18, 2010

still running through me

After going to the peaceful yet revolutionary life changing experience of mecca and madina trip. i feel like a new woman
I feel invigorated by my own strength
for suddenly
and deeply
everything I can battle
I am not saying that i do not have the problems or the fears
but everything inside me and outside me is for God
no matter how it is
I feel so
I feel like God is my ora , my era, my dearest and only reason fo being
and so
things get channeled into my love for him
and my hope in him
and my passion to live right
it channels my heart and soul

I know that Istill do mistakes
a lot of mistakes
I say a lot fo things i dont mean
I think a lot of things i cannot stop

but when i look back
and when i think back
and now
I do see myself as


All from a simple trip

Monday, October 11, 2010

Dear long lost lover

Dear sir,
It's 11.48 Pm and I'm imagining across the rainbows and over the oceans, in another life, in another place not this world, t's still 11.48 Pm except

We are together ,
We are in love,

See, I'm thinking about you even though I Really don't know

cant w rite how i Feel
Ican only dream it and see it so real it hurts to let go
I just want to close my eyes and never leave your world

the world where you a re... the man I want
more than the man I want
you are better

I can see love
I can see a lot of things
Its hard for me to have them
like beauty
likel ust
like purity
like your love

I feel like in that world
far away

we are one
we connect
we sync together into harmonious pleasure
we love each other
like crazy

im telling you Icant write how i feel
call it lack of talent
call it pain to try and putsuch a golden silk dream into words
call it intense pain to come back to reality
as writing is reality

but I love you
Ive only met you once
I hate you
you dont mean anything to me in my world here
you can never exist
you dont even know I exist
i hatae you
becasue you do all the wrong things and live nthe wrong world
and yuo are the wrong man for me
ive only seen you once
ive only met oyu once
and idont know you
but i know i cant stop thinking about you in that world
where we dance so close it might just be impossible to seperate your touch from my heart

i know that i am in a terrible state of mind
i have let everyhting leak
all my sin leak
so why not this

this world where you exist
i let it pur into me
even if every second i let it breathe
it will shatter my existence
for to make my dream alive
i have to kill a prt of me

Friday, October 8, 2010

Broken hearted girl

I Realise I am the most broken hearted girl
in my world, the world
in the worst state of broken heart
I could never have a bigger slash
or a deeper wound
I could never be more hurt
or feel so disconnected with good
I lose control

giving everything you built
in a lifetime
for a second or two seconds divine

I am broken hearted for I have lost the chance to remain strong
but now, just a fewseconds later
i can see amillion ways I Could have been strong
that I didnt take
I lead myself to this
which is why I am broken hearted

I could never be more broken hearted
For I have lost every bit of faith
its like i angry and mad
at who?
or what?
its no ones fault but myself
I have lead people to talk abot me
and think about me
and wonder about me
jsut like im quesitoning myself now

suddenly im so silent
suddenly im just so suprised
and so pained
at what weakness can do

but its my own fault im weak
its my own fault im like this
there is no point on blaming other people
that got me down
no matter what theyve done
I choose my options
I choose my thinking

I'm broken hearted because I Feel so small
Ifeel like im thorned
i feel like Im embarrassed from the creator
I cant mention his name

IM broken hearted because today is friday
and it feels like the last day
it feels like I jsut want to open some door and never come back


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Work Writing 2_ Never ever lonely

I thank you God for the journey you have taken me through
for It was kind and strong
it was hard but explainable
it was difficult but I reach ease now

everything is explainable and that means a life I Can explain
iF I look back
everything makes sense
and if I look forwards I know what I want now

I realise that you are there all the time
teaching me and helping me
and when I got very lost
you brought me to the most important place in the whole wide world
my whole wide world

you made me travel through my darkness through planes and deserts to reach water and magnificence
mecca and madina
loving sisters of life
I know what my life means to me now
i know that I want to renew my feelings towards a lot of things

my dreams have changed
or else they have become more accurate

my sadness has dissappeared for
i Trust you and think of you as the reflection that absorbs all within me and surrounding me

Trust me
I am no longer ever lonely

Work Writing 1

I feel so happy I am siting here with all these new facilities and admirations to myself and god for giving me these kind and needed gifts.
Writing from work is a new idea created to help me explore a new environement of writing, stressed under conditions of life but calm from the proffesionalism quantified in my life. I am work writing about a lot of old and new things, a lot of parts within me waking up again and others having slept forever I can begin refining my words, my actions , my days, my nights, my blog.

In a different environment
like I'm in a new person
I look around
and I have new things
in a new place
for a new time
that I don't know when will end
I want to type different poems
and stories

I want to remember parts of me and forget others
I want to be independant of tears but never forget the drama that healed me just like it broke me
I want new feelings
to feel better that I can afford them
a new work chair and a new work computer
that I know I am new work woman
filled with confidence
I don't care what people thank me for
I thank myself everyday that I forgive myself
Because I have achieved the impossible
I have achieved stepping over remains of memories
I have jumped over hardships of sharp mountains
I have cleared the pathway of pricking fear and love

and when I did that
sitting here now typing out of memory that I am talented
and I am happy
and I am proud
I feel like
no conversation can bring me down
and loneliness
is no longer defined
for I can never be lonely
God is with me always
and my thoughts have travelled millions of miles to reach this new discovery

I want to thank different memories
for they have brought me here
serene and able to smile

I ask myself
how far are you and how near are you?

from everything ...
I answer

I don't know
but I know I am no longer worried
and I am no longer sad
about anything

............TO BE CONTINUED

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -