Saturday, October 31, 2009

I never usually 14

If I let it unfold it will come to a place, a street, a memory, a seatbelt where i am held into position of this fantasy

locked within my happinness, my love ...

for as it enfolds

I enfold in to something I imagine, wondrous and livid with hope

I imagine the points of connection, temptation, truth and love

I imagine a dream enfolding

a life becoming

smiles, golden and silver with expensive driving

i imagine being driven

I imagine being loved

being driven to love

I imagine being his love

I imagine being his ...everything

his good everything and his bad

his wants and wishes

his driving

for he is driving me

as i let it enfold

I change

and I never usually change

but how can i let this go away?

as i see

and as i feel

and as something gets so close to me

so so close to me

i love the language it speaks out

even though i can't understand the detail

i love the language it makes and takes

of my understanding

its so easy to understand them

I want

to understand myself

and i never usually

but i am still mistaken

i am still lost

i am still not fulfilled

i am imbalanced

my feelings are catastrophically large

and so i must contain

i never usually contain

but this time

i must be

... contained within this drama forever

it all

Friday, October 30, 2009

I never usually 13

you see it's beautiful filled with the man of my dreams

no you see its real filled with magic and fantasies living in the world of my desires

you see, i can't explain, i can;t think

i can only try and write and do what i believe is the beginning of a global change in my heart

i never usually change

i always say i will

and i never do

and i never

call me stubborn, call me weak

but suddenly my mind - it was as if my mind found a new mind

and i became a new thought and a new person

it was as if my hunger STOPPED
and i needed no more

but this

i just needed to understand how someone loves , how someone needs

sacrifices and gets hurt but deep down never stops loving

lots of jealousy, lots of lust

lots of memories, that I must


and take from being here

and being near

to this drama

to this saga

of wants and wishes

in front of my eyes coming true

i never usually get so hooked on something so

you might say ... silly

but this is nt silly

this is my start

of a solid garden of a future - HOPE

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I never usually 12

Ive wasted so many hours

i cannot waste any more

I have become a new person

i cannot turn old

I have in such a small time , changed a great deal

i cannot go back

i have spent so much time

i cannot stop now

suddenly i cannot stop now

i must love this pain

these treasures

but i must also live my life

right now

i feel like im hanging inthe air

lost in the wilderness of my future

misunderstnading my past

regretting things ive done

and not done

and right now

im losing even though i may be winning

you see

i only understand one thing now

and that is

that i am obssessed with this story

this love story

it has taught me one or two things

three or four things

five or six

it has made me leave one or two things

and begin three or four things

five or six

the idea is not just so superficial

but deep down within

i want to be her

i want to be that girl

who loves like that and is loved like that

i know its not paying

or asking

but i need to try for this

i need to live for this

for before i have lived for something else

i never want to be sick and tired of this love

never want to go away

never want it to leave me

I am here

and it is here

and i am believing

more than anything can enfold

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I never usually 11

I want to fall in love once

I only want it once

to know it once, to hear it, to feel it

to see it

only once do i want to have his eyes and his soul

just once i want to know he loves me

forever he loves me

for before and after him, there is no other

there is no other

I am waking up to this dream

I am not sick of this dream

it's like cells in my mind are re made , are re born for this dream

I am renewed in my soul, in the inner depths of my soul

about what falling in love means

what it means

I mean its patience

and its strength

and its also kindness

and love

I could say a lot of things

but i only mean one thing

that i never usually think like this

I only want to stay like this

stay like this

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I never usually 10

it is quarter past 6 in the morning

I am awake in order to fulfill my dreams

in order to make new promises

and new time

I am awake with all the strangers


because in this morning i listen, I pull myself

to my dreams

as i never usually do

I never usually want to remember so bad

I never usually feel sick without

I never usually cry like this

I never usually stop my hunger

I never usually 9

you must not let people drag you into their reality

dont listen to them
dont make this a joke
dont break your strength
something happened with you
something began with you
delicate and dangerous
whatever you do, do not leave
you must wish it everyday
you must demand the tension
the love, the pain
you must never give up
you must change
because u never usually change
and this isnt any change
or love story
so next day, tommorow, you wake with the first intentions
you wake with the dreaming, the eyes, the words, the fights, the bodies, the hopes and the despair
dont despair yourself anymore,

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I never usually 8

she came and shattered my dreams

from a place that she grew from, where thorns made her way

she came to prick me with her memories

to try and save me?

but she took my precious fantasy
and scattered it over her ground of wars

look here, she said

nothing is real#nothing is far

u silly girl

I smiled and hid my remains

hid all my pain

of her truth

she wanted to try help me

but she broke me

and tore me

gushing all my love on the ground

pouring all the love that i found

from this special romance

that id never seen before

i showed her

i showed her the strength they made

the strength i trade

with all these feelings

but she couldnt understand

that i understood nothing but this

nothing but his eyes

nothing but her feelings

nothing but their love

this isnt just a series

this isnt just a love story

this is s0mething that has delved deep inside me

loved me , and i loved it back

it is the first thing in a long time, such a long time,

to make me ...change

i never usually change

i never usually get so strong

this is the first something in my true ideas to make me believe

I want it to stay

I want it to save me

I want it to be with me

all the time

and so i balanced her words

and my armor of detail

I looked at my heart and what it felt

what it wanted to feel

what my eyes have been eating on

what my mind had starved

and suddenly all the shattered pieces collected

all the dangling stars re lit again

and i never usually am like this

i never usually dont get affected by peoples memories, by peoples pain

but i am not affected

I am defending my dreams

I never usually 7

Dont wait for love

Dont think about love

let it come to you you swing

let it come to you

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I never usually 6

watching the world float on by

I cant say im alright

watching the sun light the moon, as the day turns to night

and he says

dont you know i love you

dont you know you're beautiful

he says

everyday is special

you have made me believe

hold me in your arms

cuz im falling

hold me in your arms

while we're sleeping

dreaming of soft cotton clouds

i feel close to you now

dreaming of candy and chocolate

all the bad girls not allowed

and he says

as he thinks im sleeping

he whispers girl you are the one

never thought i could feel this way

girl you made me believe

Friday, October 23, 2009

I never usually 5

They make me go crazy

Ive never been crazy like this before

I never usually plot dreams like this

or think of imaginations of these depth and wires

im electrically connected so bad to this awakening of a fantasy

a solid fantsasy

a solid temble that shakes the earth i walk on

the reality i step on is now consumed by my footsteps of love to love

my eyes fall to create love

my face to look like love

my heart to think of love

no, true love

you see, I used to think of so many things before just ... a few days ago

and now...

I think like a million years have passed

I dream of a simple sweetness

that is making me breathe differently...

and talk strangely

and become ...a different person


am scared

I never usually am so scared

But I am

I am scared of being so true

I am scared of being so ... addicted

for since when was addiction good?

or safe

but then again

I dont want safe

I dont want easy

I want....

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I never usually 4

sssshh you sleep

I missed you so much

Dont let go

lets stay like this

I dont want to lose you again

I dont want to stay from you for even a moment

dont talk about seperation now

I dont want you to be upset

it's all in your hands


I waited for 5 years to hug you again

I tried to stay away

but couldnt

I need you so much

dont leave me and go ever again, ok?

forgive me

A, Forgive me

for all the dreams i crushed down

for making you wait

for the 5 years we lost

I never usually 3

it's as if there's a power in me , which is stronger than me

it loves you more than me

it's as if I am two persons

There are two persons within me , who are fighting for you continously

one will take you away from me

so Im even scared of myself

...............there's nothing to be scared of

I love you so much

Im afraid of hurting you because of this

............... you can't hurt me

I cant share you with someone else

Dont look into eyes of anyone else

Dont worry about anyone else

Dont shed tears for anyone else

just you and me

me for you

and you for me

this is all i want

it feels like you will fly away if I dont hold onto you tightly

................ look, I am here my darling

I am not going anywhere

undo my hair again

hug me again

I miss you so much

how can you think that i can be without you?

do you think my heartbeats ever slow down?

even if we are away

even if we fall apart, I am always with you

I know that you are always with me too

Distances cannot put us apart

we are one

dont you see that we are intertwined with each other

look deep into my eyes

it's you who is there

I never usually 2

Who else can know that better than me?

Everytime I saw you,

My heart was going to rip out of my chest

She smiles, closes her eyes for jsut a second

He watches as his mind and eyes burns for her words

Why are you making me say these things?

Tell me again

How was your heart beating?

She takes his hand and gently puts it on her heart, staring into his glistening eyes,

Like this

He hears the beating of her beautiful heart, his fingers caressing her skin, his eyes wanting her more

He takes her hand and puts it over his heart

Like this

His heart beats fast, quick, strong

I never usually get these feelings
I never usually can say these things
freely and adamantly
I never usually burn so bad
Love so easy
Feel so desired
I never usually never pretend
I never usually think like this
eat like this, breathe like this,
I never usually live like this

I never usually 1

I.... am listening to the rain , raining in a small city I live in - amidst all the other surroundings of my heart - the angels fall down on curbs and alleyways, and the parks glisten with anxiety to shell their dreams - flowers pick at roses and benches silence the attitude of lovers - falling in the rain - here in my queit amplitude of 20 minutes break - my tea warms the intensity of my feelings for something in me has.... become attributed to the forsaken times and the broken tears - I feel... remembered although i have forgotten the way it felt to know myself - I feel remembered - for today I watch and listen to something I have been looking for, for so long - I watch the pearls of drama , I listen to the echo of eyes -

I never usually ... believe or try like this

I never usually ... fall like this

I never usually become so strong , become so committed to watching a simple idea grow

I never usually love something so bad

I never usually become ... transformed I suppose

Sunday, October 18, 2009


4 in the morning planes and trains, Waiting amidst the fog of my heart trying to see beyond the glory but all I could feel was the loneliness inside my head -
over my eyes the lights began to wake and my hands began to ache as I rested in the outside of my dreams -

praying and wondering about the imaginations of a soul - cold airports and empty rail tracks, tracking the tears and confusion on my path

- my one and a half hour path - of unlmited wasted time to get there, to reach - my stolen intentions

Friday, October 9, 2009

fired times

speechless at the thought of his loss
his pain and thoughts now being thrown in this phase, now, how
speechless at the time spent and the time lost
at the moments now long and cold

speechless at the way things turn out
come about, life is strange
and deranged
with all sorts of crimes
inter and inner, outer and louder
I feel harder
yet not stronger

speechless at the reality
and the consequence of his fears
his tears
speechless at our thin threads
our sharps ends
our cheap lives
for expensive is deniable

speechless at it all
when we fall
and call
for help

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I cant write anymore

I cant write anymore

I have no story

I have no sense...or nonsense

I have no miracles

to let me flood words

I cant write anymore

the laanguage of time

or the metaphores of crime

about my love,

about his love

and my love

that climbs flavors of the skies

about my dreams

the ones that scream

for me to make them come true

out of the blue

I cant write anymore

about myself, my family, my life

about my body, my image , my creations of imaginated limes of bitter fury

about my anger or pain

everything is melted in todays rain

of a hundred years

about the streets that shine mirrors

or the trains that take me into zones

or the planes that lift me into the wafers of the clouds

and hold me into cushioned tears

about anything or anyone








about me

about what I want to do

and why I cant do it

and how it makes me feel mad and bad

and stupid
my sympathy that is fattening and saddening

and tiring to take everyday

why this has to stop and that has to start

and this has to begin and that has to end
what I should defend

or mend so that my soul may once more pick up the diamond coal pieces

my species of emotion

I cant write anymore about them

my crude raw feelings that once used to glitter like emeralds cut outs of my heart

and light my life

I can only try contain them now

so they dont consume me

inside out
without writing anymore

صدق رسول الله - Finding Heaven

the most beautiful episode i have heard in a long time, going tothe heart filling my mind and tempting me to become someone else -
with this meaning of heaven, living in a different way, thinking in a different way and most of all believing in heaven in a different way
like the placement of a new disc in your thoughts
I am a new person - i want to become a new person
a beautiful person
a person, a woman that lives for heaven, lives fully, lives strongly but lives for heaven - lives for the time promised with so much unknown beauty
it conquers my love

I forgot

Day 3 and a half
I forgot to eat , I forgot to be sympathetic, and sympatique to my life
Drink tea... in the cavities of evolution
they watched the sunset together, glowing with a new lusting memoir
to be created --- sings in the fillings of my heart
their beat creates my intentions
I forgot to think except from their passion, their eyes, their love
I FORgot TO break the link between the day here and the night there
the stars over my satellite and all my mistakes blocking my view
Here, I think about my wishes, other peoples wishes
and most importantly all their gaps in the future coming from the past
when will they learn
when will they change
when will i learn
when will i change
he tells me to do what i should have done a long time back
very easily, very happily, very nicely
yet, I concentrate on listening to his words
not affecting me
or rather... blackening out as I awaken through the magnificence of my dreams
opening decay,
numbing minds
killing nerves

\i know its easy , one day it will be easy
one day they will all finish
as I will be finished
because it will be easy
I re assure you
you will find it easy

Sunday, October 4, 2009


i bite my nails
until they hurt
until the flesh is cut
and the blood sheds
I bite my nails
and i always fail
to stop
to use another prop
to stop
the stress
so my nails are a mess
they hurt like hell
because theyre torn, like my soul
the cells fall into the wilderness of the ground
I found
that I can't stop biting my nails
I can't stop the pain
at my finger tips

tryin to write something romantic

DOn't do it , DoNT,

You know you don'T want this

or need this

You need time

and patience

but you don't need this

you need a man who knows u

loves you because he wants to have you.. he wants you, for who you are in the most romantic way,

loves you because you are on his mind, all the time

day and night

for the good reasons, the sweet reasons,

you need a man who understands what you mean, for what you mean is precious to him

in all the romantic studies of your heart and words, you are special to him, you are his,

he knows what it feels... when you need him,so you never have to worry, ever

he needs you to love him, he needs to love you

and so it works out - in a romantic city with all the lights and all the trains flying and entering into the twilight of mystery -

you are his


trying to write something romantic

but im grounded

no more romance in my life

just feeling scared

trying to write something romantic

but all im writing is isolated letters in progress of a falling dream

trying to write something romantic

but i believe my heart is in the arctic

of a big city

taxis, trains... train stations

pick me up into the wilderness of my new life

my eyes get bigger, my heart gets smaller, my mind gets infatuated with symbols of delayed journeys,

which platform should my romantic notes ride from?

trying to write something romantic

but I can't miss the train

I can't miss my romantic destination

but my love is calling at all the wrong stations

all the bad temptations

all the mistaken elations

of a lost girl under a full moon

maybe if i make myself happy and against all odds,

ill find the right one

the train....I mean

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -