Friday, October 30, 2009

I never usually 13


you see it's beautiful filled with the man of my dreams

no you see its real filled with magic and fantasies living in the world of my desires

you see, i can't explain, i can;t think

i can only try and write and do what i believe is the beginning of a global change in my heart

i never usually change

i always say i will

and i never do

and i never

call me stubborn, call me weak

but suddenly my mind - it was as if my mind found a new mind

and i became a new thought and a new person

it was as if my hunger STOPPED
and i needed no more

but this

i just needed to understand how someone loves , how someone needs

sacrifices and gets hurt but deep down never stops loving

lots of jealousy, lots of lust

lots of memories, that I must

make

and take from being here

and being near

to this drama

to this saga

of wants and wishes

in front of my eyes coming true

i never usually get so hooked on something so

you might say ... silly

but this is nt silly

this is my start

of a solid garden of a future - HOPE

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -