Sunday, July 31, 2011

The way I see

The eye is the open door to the soul
the masterpiece the mind sets out to radar life
the feeling of the heart
the eye is the spy to the body
watching life
detecting symbols of time
learning words
infiltrating vision to melody to actions to words
the eye is the sight if history
the reason for being
the appreciation of time
the eye is the art of love
the happinness to survive

Just close your eyes for 5 minutes ....
and imagine your life blind.......
its dark its very dark
and suddenly the v simple things start to look like miracles
like typing
like touching your mobil to call someone
like flicking the remote
like.....being happy
being happy suddenly looks real

i have been living my life delibrately blind
intending to bring myself down
staring at the hole where my eye should be
I may as well have been blind
because I cannot see anything
I cannot see the goodness inside me
the beauty within me or around me
when I look at myself in a picture
I think.....  do look good
but when I take myeyes to a mirror
all I see is ..... pain

Lost the battle and the war what happens now?

I wish I could go back  to the beginning when words all meant somethnig and my life existed
when all this pain stated and this lack of care
I wish I could go back to the day when I had a choice to stop myself
but they say words arn't enough - its actions
and my actions speak a lot louder than words
foolish words embarrassing words humiliating and selfish

I feel like I've lost my mind
delibrately finding excuces for my unhappinness when really
I have nothing ot be unhappy about
yes there are things to think about
yes there are problems to feel
but there is nothing to be unhappy about
but I decided that I should always be unhappy this is my verdict to myself
my gift to myself
to be so unhappy
to be so weak
its like Im punishing myself for something
what I dont know
im punishing myself each and every second for the way I look where I ma what I do how I think what I Want what I deserve
I am convinced that I don't deserve the normal
or the good
I dont deserve being loved
so I need to give it to myself
because no one will give it to me

I punish myself for the way I ook
it pleases noone because it doesnt please me
I try and hide my suffering but how can I hide a mountain of historic anger
a mountain of historic evidence
a mountain of historic lies
lies that scream at me torment me pull me down every day
I feel like this my test from god
it makes perfect sense
but I dont have any sense
all I have is my dissappointment to myself

Monday, July 25, 2011

Ramadan....Come set me free

one week before Ramadan and my life is a disaster
from the outside, I am the happiest in the world
from the outside everything is fine
but not anything is fine
I went all the way to paris to feel fine
and I'm back just the same
I feel ugly when I should feel beautiful
I feel alone when I should feel with someone
I feel dirtywhen I should be clean
I feel heavy when I should be light
I feel uncool even though I should be cool
cool about myself

Living on the edge of the track waiting for what to pull me up
leaving who pull me down
letting this carve when

I am neither mysterious happy or in love.........

where am I ?

I have a lot to say
seeing the Mona lisa in real life
is a wild life
feeling thrown back into the world of history while today I am here
something out of a lovers madness
a true episode of love
I look for the intensity of her eyes
the drama in her simplicity
the elegance in her silence
the beauty in her body
the attraction in the wilderness
the love in her story
the fantasy in her soul
the words in her lips
the curves of her liips
the eternity in her heart
the mystery in her mind
the mystery of her life
the existence of her memory
and here I am
today now
watching her thinking of her
and me
can I see anything in me
that is worth remebering
that is worth drawing?
that is worth imagining ?
t hat is worth loving
that is worth forver being?
I stand and stand wondering about my own existence
about my own.....Picture

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

So happy,so so happy its in the small things you thought were big.....

I feel reborn
i have been mean and God has been kind
God has been true and I have lied
lets start over - give me back my wings and help me defeat the world, my world, dear invention of trust and bravery
I know that this will hurt you but you have been a broken failure like a broken record
whining and whining
I was too blind to find - all that was kind in you and what you gave me

I'm tired about fighting about the same old things
things that taste salty and bitter
even things that taste sweet I fought about the level of sweetness involved
maybe its over maybe we're through
I will no longer pretend
 I will no longer settle

 i honestly can say I am still a muslim I am still in love with you my faith
love letter crazy love letter frenzy
I wish I had more fingers to type my love for you forver and ever
and i know I have reduced to you a crippled outlaw in my life I have forgotten you betrayed you and now I come to you
a lost long lover asking for your forgiveness and love
i love you
i guess people who love each other
do good things for each other
people who need each other
save each other

You did that for me
you looked out for me
you saved me
you protected me
you made me healthy and happy
and I didnt give you anything
so you must really love me
but I promise
I promise
I am new ..........
I will give love my wings the wings it needs to fly and reach you and show you how much I truly care
and how I truly will never dare to defy you again

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

forgotten loyalty

I feel like I've been hypnotised to give m life away
tricked to pass the time away
bullied to say these words
always these words
why always regret and pain
why always angr and madness in my head
why not that nice sweet simple life
why not that good happy time
why not that beautiful commitment
why not that hopeful hope
why not goodness

why not believe in God
I should believe in god
I should learn in God

Ramadan is coming and I am so lost
Ramdan is here and I am so far away
ramadan is here and I need t so bad
every moment I await
to forget this prickly life and fall into the arms of ramadan
hard but loyal
where is my loyalty?

screamin in silence

screamin in silence lookin for an answer falling down like a poorly trained dancer
broken down useless and concerned
its like my battle has been played
sprayed with anguish and no chance for me to fight
its like im watching my battle being fought for me by the devil
I feel only evil hitting my heart
I feel only misery attacking what I want to start
Ive never felt like this
so so so lost
so so so far away from faith
its like my battery has died
has totally died
its like the charge inside me has been torn and I Cannot find a charger for my good feelings my good remedies theyre i nteh past its like im in the futre withut my past
im in this future where fverything is terrible and i am alone
this future without anything nice
its like my future isnt mine
and I am so afraid it iwll come true
all becasue I have lost faith
I have lost loving god
knowing god
simple reading quran
simple contorlling my thoughts my actions
its amazing how a simply guilt can take you break you change you
i feel awful
I feel like I need to be punished
and iTell myself or I hear GOd does what you think of him
so why am i thinking the worst
I feel like i want to scream in silence
scream get out !
you tremendously heavy fears get out
GOd is mine
God is my own

Thursday, July 14, 2011

volcano feelings

I have a lot to do but one thing holds me one thing annoys me
and it is to write to say whats wrong how I feel
i feel like a furious volcano not wanting to erupt but having to erupt not wanting to kill but having to kill the cool
I feel like all that trapped lava hot and dangerous - spontaneous yet scientific
i feel like the crunch of the earth and I feel like I dont want to be here in this explosion
Instead I want to be making relationships with the ocean with the creative washes and cool breeze
I want to take all my anger and redness and heat and slam it into the wild rushes of water
 Iwant to drown in comfort and understanding
happy and content
a nice situation of nature to be in
I want to wake with love have love for myself before anything
yes for the lave inside me will burn me consume me win me mould me and I do not want to be changed
I want to change myself
I want to be beautiful for GOd
i know the power of destruction has started to destroy me
I know I feel agitated like the volcanos sudden movement
I am thinking why cant I stop? just stop
and the answer is ...........

Sunday, July 10, 2011

lostbut not forever

i may have lost the battle
but I still have not lost the war
I lost the battle of motivation/ patience/elegance/ true thinking
but I have not lost the war against true faith
that faith that secretly protects you and keeps you awake no matter how asleep you are
that true faith that cries and cries until you wipe it clean
that true faith that sirens and screams even though there is silence
I may have lost the battle but I did not lose the war
I did not lose the war
I didnt
right now the others are winning but it doesnt mean i have lost

Elegance......and I lost all of it

unfaithful 2

I wish I could take something back
but I cannot
i wish I could get amnesia and forget
but I am only remembering more
I wish I was the hope I knew
but I have changed
I wish I was stornger
but I was weaker
I wish I was not in so much pain right now
but I am
I wish I was not unfaithful
but I was
I wish I remembered the moon glaring at me
and the clouds trying to help me
and God testing me
maybe I could have passed
but I failed as i alwayes do in other aspects in my life
and here I am with nothing
but deep disgusting  regret and a shamful feeling of failure
I failed
I let myself fail
I let myself fall
i let my mind stop working
I let it happen
and now I have no one to blame but myself

but.......if i keep like this then life will have stopped for me on that train
then life would have stopped for me in that moment and then whats the point in living the rest of my life
the only point i have now is just to get back to the woman i was ....4 days ago
I cannot take back time
 I cannot stop time and come from the future and tell myself, show myself how wrong i was
I cannot do anything to take my problems away
 Ican only .......... move forward
I can only move forward and the more I move the further i will be the more ties will be cut
I can only think of what I did not think of that night
and jealousy?
I am jealous as I am the traitor
here I am thinking........I'm the best I'm the best and I'm the worst
I'm a terrible person
I'ma real betrayor
I'm a real monster
maybe even the devil in disguise..............maybe even the worst memory


That moment in the film when she coud have gotten the taxi in stead of going inside to the man apartment.......

at the beginning you think - best she went with him - exciting dangerous feelings come rushing in as what appened next and you want to see that discover that you forget  your whole world your simple world it becomes meaningless and you dont remember any guilt or regret .......then
and  then days pass, or maybe even hours and you begin to miss your simplicity you begin  to wish you DID get int othat taxi - and you dont know how to get rid of what youve done and just simply walk away......

my unfaithfulness might not be as serious as what happened in the film but it certainly feels like so in my mind - and my body and most importantly in my faith and that is enough to make me feel ...all this pain
 up until one minute my life was beautfiul , wondeful, I was filled with a beauty to become a better person - and then suddenly suddenly it was like someone pushed me in to hell
at first it didnt seem like hell
it seemed like heaven actually
were my dreams coming true/?
I had to see
was it meant to be ?
I had to know
nothing else mattered
not even GOD

this is probably what hurts me so much right now
for once....God did not matter
I didnt care if I was doing the wrong thing or not
I didnt care of GOd was watching or not
deep down I knew he was but I thought
Ill think about it later..........

and here I am ...... in deep pain thinking about it later

it was like this black hole they keep talking about in space
the nearer you get to it the bigger it becomes and then it sucks you inside and you cannot get away
I got closer and closer and closer and then I was sucked inside I couldnt get away - it got bigger and bigger and bigger and my sanity the real me got smaller and smaller and smaller
and I felt.....minature in this big gaping hole
and sure enough even when the morning came I felt night was st ill there that dark night the darkest nights - and the hole continued to get bigger ......and bigger.......and bigger
temptation desire lust no caution curiousity the feelng of attraction
so even when I was gone the damage was there - just a day ago I was thinking of so many other things
and then just a day after I am a totally otehr person one who i want to rip in pieces
suddenly I am thrown back in to anger/hate/inner turmoil/ fear/ regret
terrible regret
I suddenly miss the simple things in me - like being alone
I suddenly miss the good in me - I cannot fathom how I became so ugly in just under 4 hours - and ill never know
but now
right now
 i am still being pulled into the black hole
I am still being sucked in - the aftermath of destruction

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -