Tuesday, July 19, 2011

screamin in silence

screamin in silence lookin for an answer falling down like a poorly trained dancer
broken down useless and concerned
its like my battle has been played
sprayed with anguish and no chance for me to fight
its like im watching my battle being fought for me by the devil
I feel only evil hitting my heart
I feel only misery attacking what I want to start
Ive never felt like this
so so so lost
so so so far away from faith
its like my battery has died
has totally died
its like the charge inside me has been torn and I Cannot find a charger for my good feelings my good remedies theyre i nteh past its like im in the futre withut my past
im in this future where fverything is terrible and i am alone
this future without anything nice
its like my future isnt mine
and I am so afraid it iwll come true
all becasue I have lost faith
I have lost loving god
knowing god
praying
simple reading quran
simple contorlling my thoughts my actions
its amazing how a simply guilt can take you break you change you
i feel awful
I feel like I need to be punished
and iTell myself or I hear GOd does what you think of him
so why am i thinking the worst
I feel like i want to scream in silence
scream get out !
you tremendously heavy fears get out
GOd is mine
God is my own

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -