Tuesday, July 29, 2014

so angry....

am angry.... so so angry
at the , at her, at me,
at the way things have to be
wish i could just show them whos who
who right
not because i am

but because it hurts

this feeling that you think youre strong but you realise ... they were
although their life has changed and i hope it collapses like a rolling mountain down the valley with thunder and terrible storms
i hope their life shatters and she never buys another toob again
i hope they are disgusted and their souls meltiwth tragedy

and yet when i ask t hat i feel the same for me
for my heart isnt used to being so cruel no matter what

and yet
im angry
i want to be bitchy
i want to be mad
i want to shout at their face
and be horrible to them

at her

always under
always begging for approval
theyre so much bettter cleaner wiser
and yet
we beg for their approval
i hate her for being weak
i hate her for being so//// damn weak

and yet i feel the same way
i hate myself for being so weak
and so  pathetic
she just wont get it
and neither will i
and in the middle is my portal of sanctuary which sometimes is a hellfire


wish i could just be sweet to myself first
and then to to to others
but im not
im angry
so so angry



day 2 of devlish power its 2 days since they are back
it must be them that make us feel bored or mean or angry

it must be

and i must fight it even if i want to feel it

help me fight it

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Inability 1

There is no more inability
no feeling of instability
just fresness in my heart
yes I can do it
no i will not fail

No more insecurity
these feelings of anger
for they dont deserve
and i dont deserve to
for anger is just a form of pain
missing healthy silence within me

No more infidelity
to myself
always breaking my own heart
always lying to myself
always telling myself the wrong thing

now its time for honesty
isnt that what they asked?
isnt that they want?
and i dont want to lie

I want to be better first to llah
then to myself
then ..to my sweet family

Ya Allah
i asked and yougave
and i thank you so much
please help me
and never let me be alone
Ya Allah
i want to change
 and next time im seen and felt am heard
I want to be steady
and ready
for a woman inside me yelling to break free

 Ya Allah
I dont her to cry no more
they say she cant stop talking
I cant stop crying... inside

because i see myself unable to reach my full ability
and im tired of just seeing inability

 I want to be like these nemophilas
fresh, clear, adamant, proud, strong,great  and ..... beautiful

help me -- Ya Allah

never weak, never wrong
and if I am let me be regretful and charmed by the world of understanding
for the last thing i want is to be a bulldozer of incorrect fate
just passing by
it could be like this
it could be like that
its fine
that will do
when its not

Ya Allah
I ask your help
your kindness
your beautiful intentions
for mine are all wrong
however i will try to hold them and change them
and make them
to Ramadans satisfaction

Ya Allah , please dont let me forget thesed ays
their importance
their kindness
their wishes
their hopes
their loves
please help me

Please help me fall in love with
with you Ya Allah
with my deen
with my strengths and
with my challenges
for I need to survive better than all

Ya Allah
help me
be the one you love
the one forgive
for i so badly need your assistance
and i dont want to be alone
in this world without you

Ya Allah
help me
Ya Allah

Friday, July 18, 2014

womens jail 3

am locked in a wrong body
a body so heavy
so not ready
for life
and yet
i try
to cycle again...
find a purpose
find a strength and a reason to believe
I am worthwhile
so easy
i almost deny it
but i ask myself why?
Ya Allah its only to help me
I feel so proud , so confident, so proud, so important
and yet my body fails me
a body in a state of shock, left running all the time, without a break, without understanding, a body going right and I going left
a body weak, getting weaker and heavier
and i am the loser
dont even know who i am anmore
and now
it is up to me
my faults will touch others

she says
sure i dont want to do it until im in trouble
i get mad
i get angry
sense would say you must do it if you need it

and then i shut up and think of myself
for I needed to do this a long time ago and never done it
so whos the one at fault but me
ironic and mean
only looking at others mistakes

that egyptian one
the one where the voice seperates from the insides to mean something in pain
that woman screaming or crying or in denial or anything
that sigh
the one from deep inside where it hurts
where i cant touch anymore
where i dont want to look anymore

Ya Allah you gave and i promised and I will keep to that promise

Project Bed - 1 August (to be continued)

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

dear dear Allah _

Ya Allah, I dont know how to thank you, you have given me a present so expensive and meaningful, so important to me
you keep never letting me down when i do
you keep helping me when i dont help myself
you keep remembering me even after i forget oyu
you keep thinking of ways to make my life better even when i dont
you stop my problems when i cant

ya allah
I thank you
and this new ramadan where i would never want  anything but your forgiveness i still ask and ask
and you still give and give

Ya Allah
thank you
I pray you forgive me
I pray you still want me
I pray you forget my sins
and my terrible things

and help me change
help me ......... in project BED

to be continued////////////

ps am sorry for being mean, for being like them, the worse thing in the world is to copy someone's actions, someone who is unhumane,  just because they do it to you - and that is exactly what i did.

I kept asking myself why dont i feel good about writing that , or thinking that , or being that girl
and the reason is I was brought up to be a kind woman, a woman who holds firm her beliefs and intentions are well - no matter what
taking your revenge is not the sunshine i want to fill my heart with
and i realised that all im doing is letting their venom poison me

no that is not me
i am better
i am kinder
i am faithful
i am the one who knows im right
and knows Allah will be there to prove that
and I am the one who is going to be......


to be contuned

ive let this place down - i.e ive let my emotions . feelings, goodness and sadness fall down the drain, instead of collecting them and making my life interesting and poetic no matter what im writing about

i miss writing
for me
changing and thinking and breaking free

i feel locked not from other peoples ways but from my own
i feel sad not because they make me sad but because i let them
i feel weak not because i am weak but because i see them as strong

God this is not the woman i should be

and i wont be

Ramadan countdown to the 10 beautiful nights is here
The Quran , showering our hearts till now
Ramadan the beautiful days the first time ever I am with family and friends
and I love it

ya Allah

I am here and I am here to be yours
because i love you so much

dear Allah

Saturday, July 12, 2014

womens jail 2

she breaks my heart, that one
just misery over pain
her life when you look at it beautiful and free
and yet she lives a tragedy
now in jail
a place she once controlled
now controlling her

people can be devils
devils can be people
which one are you
or which one do you befriend, do you love?

I know I chose a great man
want to write about him always
want to love him more
want to understand his feelings
and want to be there for him
want to take care of him forever
because hes changed my life for the better
want to change nice for his eyes
and be kinder from his lips
and be sweeter for his ears
and be thinner for his mind
and be easier in his life

I want to be the memories ive lost and the treasures I knew, the sunsets i used to write about and the paradises I drew - in my head and my heart - I hope ill pass these coming exams - of trials and tribulations of a woman shaky and needy - forgetful but....innocent

yet- innocence sometimes doesnt matter
for ghalia is going to prison
and she is innocent
while the guilty are free
maybe ill be locked up in my innocence
and no one will know that i was

but i really want to be me
the one I loved and respected

Ya Allah if you help me go
 I promise I'll change and be someone else
be devoted and strong and adamant
and proud
be delved into hope
find her
ill go find her
i will
ill go search under the clouds and the rain
and the red buses
and i'll search everywhere
in coffeee shops and guestrooms
until i find her

Monday, July 7, 2014

womens jail 1

Long time I didnt search for something
care about something
want something

Long time Ive been feeling in jail
unable to be the women i need to be

young and happy

Long time Im not filled with hope
just images of  despair

long time my insides are tearing, my heart is starting to change
my mind has forgotten all that is good

Long time I miss being something important
not for people but for myself
Long time I miss being something great
within myself
holdiing myself up high
in regards to the love I give myself
and deserve

long time i feel like I am no longer in control
just pushed by dark waters
into somehwere
far away

a womens jail?

am I in jail
locked up from my true freedom
locked up from what i can really do
how much i can really stay strong
locked up from the real me?

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Ramadan Taraweeh 3

I want to be happy
I want to be glamorous in soul
in love with good things

I want to be like Ramadan
pure, innocent, strong, kind hearted
filled with forgiveness and generosity

I want to be optimistic
words that come out are educated
and not primitive

I want to be educated and not primitive
want to be that glitter in heart
 that sprinkles memories over shoulders

I want to be early and not late
free and not troubled
I want to be productive
and yet
smooth like the calm ocean

never windy, never stirred
I want to be my own direction and not
a roundabout taking me where it wants to go
I want to go where I want to go

I want to be the unexpected
the open minded one
that one that respects and
not disrespectful

I want to be successful
the one who earns her own sweat and not buys it

or worse
steals it

I wonder at those and what theyve done
breaks my heart and makes me so angry i could scream
hate them
I hate them
all the things that could be terrible in a person

Ya Allah help me, I need your helo
being hateful is so negative
please help me,

Ya Allah in this Ramadan give me the power to love you and never leave you
to be kind and yet if my feelings are stronger , let me be able to control
better than anything
better than anyone

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -