Tuesday, July 29, 2014

so angry....

am angry.... so so angry
at the , at her, at me,
at the way things have to be
wish i could just show them whos who
who right
not because i am

but because it hurts

this feeling that you think youre strong but you realise ... they were
although their life has changed and i hope it collapses like a rolling mountain down the valley with thunder and terrible storms
i hope their life shatters and she never buys another toob again
i hope they are disgusted and their souls meltiwth tragedy

and yet when i ask t hat i feel the same for me
for my heart isnt used to being so cruel no matter what

and yet
im angry
i want to be bitchy
i want to be mad
i want to shout at their face
and be horrible to them

at her

always under
always begging for approval
theyre so much bettter cleaner wiser
and yet
we beg for their approval
i hate her for being weak
i hate her for being so//// damn weak

and yet i feel the same way
i hate myself for being so weak
and so  pathetic
she just wont get it
and neither will i
and in the middle is my portal of sanctuary which sometimes is a hellfire


wish i could just be sweet to myself first
and then to to to others
but im not
im angry
so so angry



day 2 of devlish power its 2 days since they are back
it must be them that make us feel bored or mean or angry

it must be

and i must fight it even if i want to feel it

help me fight it

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -