Friday, July 18, 2014

womens jail 3

am locked in a wrong body
a body so heavy
so not ready
for life
and yet
i try
to cycle again...
find a purpose
find a strength and a reason to believe
I am worthwhile
so easy
i almost deny it
but i ask myself why?
Ya Allah its only to help me
I feel so proud , so confident, so proud, so important
and yet my body fails me
a body in a state of shock, left running all the time, without a break, without understanding, a body going right and I going left
a body weak, getting weaker and heavier
and i am the loser
dont even know who i am anmore
and now
it is up to me
my faults will touch others

she says
sure i dont want to do it until im in trouble
i get mad
i get angry
sense would say you must do it if you need it

and then i shut up and think of myself
for I needed to do this a long time ago and never done it
so whos the one at fault but me
ironic and mean
only looking at others mistakes

that egyptian one
the one where the voice seperates from the insides to mean something in pain
that woman screaming or crying or in denial or anything
that sigh
the one from deep inside where it hurts
where i cant touch anymore
where i dont want to look anymore

Ya Allah you gave and i promised and I will keep to that promise

Project Bed - 1 August (to be continued)

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -